Wolf Pope
The film opens up with Father Andreas Barracuda (Jim Caveziel)
praying in Latin at the altar in his dilapidated church all alone. His concentration is broken when he hears the
shriek of a woman off in the distance from outside. He calmly reaches under one of the front pews
and retrieves an ornate golden double-barrelled shotgun and heads to the
door. At this point the woman is banging
frantically on the door and screaming for help.
We cut to a shot outside the church to see that it has been horribly
vandalized with the word ‘heretic’ spraypainted all over the front and a bunch
of discarded signs from past protests.
Barracuda opens the door shoving the shotgun in the woman’s face
and asking who she is and what she wants.
We see that it is Sister Francesca (Asia Argento) in nun’s habit that
has been ripped to shreds. She
introduces herself and tells Barracuda that she’d read of him and they’re
coming, just like he said, followed by a wolf howling in the distance. Barracuda asks if she was bitten, she replies
no, he quickly inspects her and pulls her inside.
Sister Francesca elaborates on how much she’d read about Father
Barracuda and his dishonourable discharge from the Catholic Church. He simply asks “How many out there?” to which she replies “Two Bishops and a Deacon.”
He then walks over to a statue of the Madonna and starts disassembling
it and reassembling it to reveal that it was a disguised rocket launcher. He walks outside to see three werewolves
barrelling towards his church, aims, fires, and blows them all up in one shot.
Barracuda re-enters the church, Francesca asks him how he knew for
so long. Barracuda tells a story
accompanied by visual flashbacks about how he and Father Dracos were doing
missionary work in Costa Rica and the mountain wolves were always coming and
chewing at their mission in the night, so Dracos set out one day to go to their
wolf’s den and kill them while the slept.
Barracuda says he protested but Dracos went alone, and when he came back
he was just different and much more secretive.
The two continued out their service but one night during a full moon he
saw Father Dracos turn into a werewolf.
When the two returned to the Vatican, Barracuda tried to protest
Dracos’s promotion, but Dracos became a Bishop anyway and immediately used his
influence to smite Barracuda.
Sister Francesca says that she stumbled upon a pack of the top
cardinals all feeding on humans and the Bishop saw her and pounced on her, but
she escaped and he chased her here.
Barracuda concludes “Then it’s
worse than I thought, he’s infected most of the clergy. It’s a good thing The Pope is immune to
werewolfism by divine protection and so we must alert him to this.”
Francesca then reveals that it has been kept a secret for the past
week, but The Pope mysteriously died and Dracos has been elected to replace
him. Barracuda answers that that means
they have little time. Barracuda pulls
back the curtain of a confession booth to reveal it’s a storage unit for all
sorts of weapons that are all decorated with ornate religious symbols. He starts loading the guns into his car.
We then cut to a big ceremony where Dracos (played by Christopher
Lee) is ordained as Pope. All the clergy
look all sombre and official, and then the clouds part away from the moon and
they all turn into werewolves and start howling. Dracos stands up with lighting and storm
flashing through the windows and says “At
dawn we depart!”
We cut back to Father Barracuda and Sister Francesca booting it
from his country church into Rome. He
gets to the walls of The Vatican and drives into the courtyard where he and
Sister Francesca start blasting away as werewolves flood out of the
Vatican. Barracuda and Francesca shoot
their way to the main throne room as the sun comes up the clergy all turn back
into people. In the main throne room
several Cardinals in those cool red satin outfits burst in and reveal that they
all have Kung Lao style circular blades in the rims of their red satin hats and
we get a Kurt Wimmer style action scene where they all start throwing them like
Frisbees and Barracuda does all sorts of fancy flips to dodge them. Barracuda dodges the blade hats so that the
cardinals all take each other out. As
one of them lies dying he says to Barracuda “You’ll
never catch up to him! The Kingdom of
Heaven belongs to us now!” and turns back into a werewolf as he dies and
ultimately melts away into a pile of gross black goop. Barracuda exclaims in anger “The island!
They’re heading to the island!”
We then get Barracuda trying to beat Pope Dracos to the docks in a
car chase between the popemobile and Barracuda’s Ferrari. This will be a very Ronin style car chase through the streets of Rome. Barracuda quickly realizes the popemobile is
bulletproof and so Pope Dracos is invincible and Barracuda must knock him off
the road to win. This Ronin style car chase through the
narrow streets of Rome then turns into a Mad
Max 2 style car chase through the Italian countryside where Barracuda gets
knocked into a ditch and Pope Dracos’s convoy get onto a ship and sail away.
Barracuda and Francesca barter passage to Isla de Blanco aboard a
small transport ship captained by a crusty sailor (Sean Bean in another
thankless cameo). Aboard the ship we
have time for some expository dialogue. Father
Barracuda elaborates about how The Pope has papal immunity to becoming a
werewolf or a vampire etc, but if a werewolf or vampire ascends to the throne
there is no stopping them. Barracuda
explains that on Isla de Blanco lives a colony of virgins and a giant
altar. In case of emergency the Pope can
sacrifice the blood of 100 virgins on the altar and open the gateway to heaven,
but Barracuda is certain that Pope Dracos just wants to open it so that he can
go to heaven and infect God Himself with werewolfism, and if that were to
happen, the souls of mankind would be lost.
Sister Francesca says that she wouldn’t want her own blood used against
the will of God on the island, so the two have sex so that she’s not a
virgin. We get one of those really
explicit 1980s action movie sex scenes and then afterwards Father Barracuda
thinks he hears something and goes out to investigate.
He finds the crusty captain with his throat slit sprawled across
the boat wheel and hears “You didn’t
think I’d just let you go and stop them, did you?” and Father Barracuda
turns around to see Satan (Michael Jai White in red makeup with big horns and a
tail). The two have a swordfight across
the deck of the ship and Father Barracuda ends up chopping the devil’s head
off. He then steers the ship to Isla de
Blanco where a huge storm is brewing and the clouds above are doing all sorts
of unnatural things like in Raiders of
the Lost Ark or Ghostbusters.
The two sneak up to the ceremony where the werewolf clergy are all
howling at the giant altar while two werewolf cardinals force virgins into a
giant golden blender that chops them up and spills their blood out onto a big
Holy mosaic. Francesca pulls out a
minigun and starts mowing the werewolf congregation down by the hundreds while
Barracuda and Dracos have a swordfight on the mountain range above. Francesca runs out of ammo and finishes off
the remaining werewolf priests with nun-chuck crosses. But one werewolf bishop uses his last bit of
strength to shove the 100th virgin into the blender and the gateway
to heaven opens up and so Dracos dashes in.
We get a footrace through heaven all the way to the throne room of
God (Paul Sorvino wearing cotton balls as a big white bushy beard and a
toga). Dracos lunges for God but
Barracuda hits him in the back of the head with a ninja star with the fish
symbol engraved in it. God thanks Father
Barracuda and Sister Francesca and says they must allow Him to show his
gratitude. The next scene is Barracuda
and Francesca working back at the mission in Costa Rica where Barracuda and
Dracos once worked together, only now it’s a posh mission and we see a full
moon come out and none of the kids get scared.
The End
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