Transformers
So, I want to talk to you about this sex comedy film I
just saw called Transformers.
It’s a story about this sex maniac, played by Shia LaBeouf, who collects
porno, wallpapers his room with pin-up girl photos, and masturbates
chronically. He cruises the internet
using the screen name ‘Ladiesman’ and he uses eBay to sell his family heirlooms
to get money so he can buy a car and have sex in it. Early on in the film Shia goes to a car
dealership with his father to buy a car.
Like Borat, Shia is looking for a vehicle with a pussymagnet installed.
Shia’s character wears a t-shirt for the band The
Strokes. This is either another joke
about chronic masturbation or an indication that this film takes place five
years ago when all that garage rock was cool.
Shia’s character never listens to much rock music in this film because
he’s trying to pull the ladies and so he mostly plays R&B, the greatest
genre of music in the world. Well,
that’s not accurate, Shia doesn’t play the R&B music in his car, his car
plays it on its own because it’s a robot warrior from a distant planet
disguised as an old Camero. And that’s
where this film really separates itself from the American Pie pictures.
It turns out that, like Shia’s quest for sex, the
robots are on a quest for something overrated as well, a giant cube with the
magic power to become a smaller cube. Of
the two, I’d rather have sex. It turns
out the robots have been disguised and looking for this cube while living among
us for quite some time and that Shia LaBeouf holds the magic artefacts needed
to find it. So the robots and Shia make
a little trade. Shia helps them find the
cube, they help Shia on his dates by playing funky R&B music and
transforming into flashier sports cars.
But the robots get understandably pissed when Shia can’t find some of
their magic artefacts because there’s too much porn all over his bedroom.
Shia’s love interest is played by Megan Fox, who is by
far the weakest link in this cast. She’s
obviously studied acting at The Angelina Jolie School of Acting where they
teach you to act all smug and like you’re better than the movie you’re in while
sticking your lips out a bunch. I really
don’t like this approach to acting in blockbuster films because the audience
likes to watch such films with a smug sense of superiority and if the actors
shoot the same vibe right back at them then we all might as well be those
asshole hipsters who work in record stores considering how cool we’re all
trying to act. I recommend that Megan
Fox go back and study at The Nicholas Cage School of Over-Acting where they
teach you to embrace the cheese and run with it.
Shia loves Megan Fox because she dresses like a skank
and her cleavage is all oily like the girls in the magazine to which he
wanks. Apparently they’ve been in the
same school since kindergarten, but she’s literally never noticed he exists. Making her, in my opinion, pretty
oblivious. But Megan Fox seems most
concerned with making sure her hair is blowing in the right direction and that
her lips gloss and cleavage oil have been reapplied within the last ten
minutes, so I can see how she might not notice little things like her
surroundings.
It turns out her character is an ex-con carjacker,
which has enormous potential in any action movie but especially one about
cars. Later during the action parts she
gets to use her ex-con skills, and by that I don’t mean that she shoves a
curling iron up the snatch of robot that stole her smokes, she just hotwires a
car. Big whoop, so much wasted
potential. I’d rather she sharpened a
toothbrush into shiv and kidney jabbed a robot in the line at the cafeteria or
something a little more ex-connish.
This movie has some interesting touches concerning the
robot characters. It turns out they
learned how to speak by studying the internet.
The fact that their knowledge comes from the internet makes more sense
of why they consider a porno addict to be their saviour. I just hope they didn’t learn how spell from
the internet and certainly hope they don’t make too many strategic decisions
based on Wikipedia.
There’s a robot who turns into a cop car. But when he’s in his robot form he acts like
a bully corrupt cop who roughhouses informants like Dirty Harry. I liked that.
There’s one robot that actually speaks jive and does some little break
dance moves. I wanted to see more of
that character. I would’ve also liked a
violent Irish robot.
Hell, I would’ve actually liked a movie that focussed
on the robots at all. Call me crazy, but
I think there is a market for a movie where the robots are the main characters
and there’s no sex comedy stuff at all.
How about this Optimus Prime robot guy?
He seemed like a really stoic leader and I liked that he was a Mack
truck. He would be a good main
character. Think about it,
There are also a bunch of other stories going on in
this movie. There’s one involving a
bunch of American soldiers in the
In Transformers Tyrese once again gets no love
interest and I’m starting to think he is uncomfortable with love scenes or
something. The closest he comes is when
this Johnny Knoxville-lookin’ guy wants Tyrese’s phone card and it’s in one of
Tyrese’s many back pockets. Instead of
just taking it out himself he gets Johnny Knoxville 2 to go through all of them
before naming a butt cheek. I guess in
the army you really do put your ass in another man’s hands. Maybe in real life Tyrese has some
super-possessive girlfriend who won’t let him have girlfriend characters in
movies because otherwise I really can’t explain why a handsome charismatic actor
in action movies never gets a lady.
There’s also some stuff with a Donald
Rumsfeld-inspired Secretary of State doing some pump-action shotgun fighting
against a killer robot. I remember
seeing this movie called Air Force One and finding it weird that a 50
year old political figure was turned into an action hero. Well, I find it even weirder as a sub-plot in
a robot sex comedy. But the robot he’s
fighting has obviously used the internet to download Die Hard because
this robot has mad John McClane skills.
He knows how to wriggle through ventilation shafts and duck behind
office furniture during shoot-outs just like a young Bruce Willis. I just hope this robot doesn’t move on to do
lame hitman comedies like The Whole Nine Yards.
There are also even more subplots involving hackers like
the ones depicted in the movie Hackers.
They’re all quarky and glamorous and spend their time dancing to rap
music and making smart-assed jokes yet somehow end up with huge technical
expertise at a really young age. I think
these hacker subplots would definitely be the easiest to cut from the film,
especially when you could be focusing on the bunch of jive talking robots who
urinate on people and are the title characters of the film. I mean, when they made that movie called Hackers
giant robots didn’t show up and steal the movie from them, so what gives?
Anyway, the whole action robot subplot thing comes
down to a showdown for the cube with the good robots fighting the bad robots in
a big city. The robots all do John Woo
moves like jumping sideways while firing two guns. The thing is, in a John Woo movie the guys
misfire and leave a hole in the wall that can easily be plastered over. The robots are several stories tall and when
they miss they destroy entire buildings giving this film what I think is an
unintended similarity to Team America.
After the big fight the government decides to chuck
the dead bad robots into the ocean where nobody will find them and deny the
whole thing. Seeing as a dozen
eight-storey robots were fighting in city streets, I’m sure only a handful of
witnesses will have to be shot to keep this thing under wraps.
But the main sex comedy plot ends in an even wackier
way. Shia LaBeouf gets to have sex with
Megan Fox on the hood of his transforming cyborg car. I was there puzzling about whether that
counts as a threesome until the camera pans out to reveal all the good robots
standing around watching LaBoeuf and Megan go at it while Optimus Prime beams
out a message inviting even more transformers in outer space to come and watch.
I’ve frequently criticized director
This film is actually a complete failure, sorry to
tell you that now that you’ve been reading for several pages. I should’ve made that my opening line. I liked Shia LaBeouf’s charisma and think the
main American Pie story about a teenager’s quest to get laid was the
best of this terrible film’s too many plotlines. Maybe in the sequel Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox,
the hackers, The Secretary of State, and the
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Okay, I actually review it this time instead of just making fun of
you guys who went to see it.
Merry fucking Christmas
Winner of the lifetime disgrace award for Mila Jonovich.
A little