Traitors Bonanza!
I’ve
always wanted to do a huge series that could take up like a whole weekend on
some cheesy television station that has no original content. Like when show all the James Bond movies back
to back or something.
My
series is called Traitors and by
rough estimate represents 45 hours of cinema.
Traitors
(Traitors
logo by special guest artist Ironic Name)
The
series starts off with Traitors, a Hong Kong style action film about
betrayal and espionage. We meet Jimmy as
a young Los Angeles boy desperate to have a brother. His parents buy him a pet budgie, but it just
won’t fill that void.
When
Jimmy sees an English couple on vacation pushing a stroller he performs an act
of deceit by distracting them and then stealing their baby, Sean. He then takes the baby home where his mother
is napping. He places the baby between
her legs and then throws a jug of red Kool-Aid at her crotch causing her to
wake up and he convinces her that she gave birth in her sleep to his new baby
brother Sean.
The two grow
up, join the army, pull all sorts of special-ops and get recruited into
Traitors Inc, a division of the CIA that specializes
in counter-intelligence and betrayal of America’s enemies and has a giant glass
headquarters in Los Angeles clearly marked Traitors Inc: A Division of the
Central Intelligence Agency. Jimmy as an
adult is played by James Woods and Sean is played by Sean Bean. They’re tight brothers and work well together
as partners deceiving other countries and organizations. But aside from his love of origami, Sean
keeps exhibiting English characteristics that he can’t explain. His preference for tea over
coffee as well as his speaking accent and uncontrollable urge to watch cricket.
Jimmy and Sean
get sent on a mission to traitorize England in a big
deal for a Kazakhstan oil field, but Sean double-crosses Jimmy and defects to
MI:6 revealing that he’s been in the pocket of the
British secret service for years. Then
it’s all out war. The rest of the movie
will be endless Spy Versus Spy shoot-outs and mask reveals until the big
shoot-out at a warehouse in Los Angeles harbour at the end in which Jimmy
finally kills Sean blowing him into the ocean with a rocket.
Traitors2
Then we move on
to Traitors2. We meet up with
Jimmy in Hong Kong, he spent all his money in the
pursuit and assassination of his adopted brother, Sean. He’s now a drunken starving mess who sleeps
in the backseat of his diamond-encrusted Mercedes, which other than his pet
budgie, is his sole possession. He
spends his days rolling down the gold-tinted window and sticking his hand out
to panhandle strangers who pass by on the street in
hopes of gathering together enough change each day to buy a loaf of bread or a
bottle.
A passing
police officer does a check on the licence plate of Jimmy’s car which triggers
an alert on the computer of a brutal Hong Kong policeman named Detective
Spencer (played by Hugh Laurie). Spencer
sees that Jimmy has finally showed up in Hong Kong and begins calling in
favours to put the screws to him. The
cops hassle Jimmy, reposes his car, throw him in jail on trumped up
charges. Spencer then enters Jimmy’s
cell telling him that he’s Sean biological brother and that he’s getting him
back for abducting his brother so many years ago. Spencer is an Englishman who grew up in Hong
Kong and speaks fluent Chinese. When the
British gave Hong Kong back to the Chinese in 1997, Spencer had lots of local
connections so he decided to stay and become a cop and use police resources to
track down his brother’s kidnapper.
A series of
betrayals leads to Jimmy breaking out of a Chinese prison and the ensuing war
between Detective Spencer’s corrupt squad and Jimmy comes to a head when Jimmy
loads his diamond encrusted Mercedes up with explosives and sending it rolling
into the police station and detonating it so that the diamonds all fly off like
little bullets blowing holes through Spencer and all his corrupt goons.
Traitors 3:
Balls Versus Boobs
This instalment
will open with Sean’s ashes being delivered to his widow, Rachel (played by
Rachel Weisz) who vows revenge. Rachel flies to New York to sabotage a
betrayal operation of Jimmy’s. Jimmy’s
job is to infiltrate the Toronto Maple Leafs and assassinate the goalie of the
New York Rangers on the ice during the playoffs because the goalie is a traitor
who has been spying on his own country for the Russians.
Jimmy enters
the rink pretending to be a Leaf player and gets the puck on a breakaway but
then stops right in front of the goalie’s crease, throws his stick down,
everybody watching him in puzzlement, he pulls out a pistol and says “You
should’ve expected the Russians to double cross you, Charlie.” the goalie
pulls of the big mask revealing she’s Rachel “Expecting somebody else? My husband sure was.” Jimmy tries to
shoot her but she’s switched his pistol with a water pistol. She pulls the big goalie’s glove off to
reveal an uzi and starts chasing him around the ice
trying to shoot him while he dodges behind the other players.
Jimmy gets away
and we get an ensuing cat-and-mouse game in New York involving a chase through
The Plaza Hotel where Jimmy and Rachel chase each other by straddling tea carts
and propelling them forward by using brooms as paddles while trying to kill
each other with sugar cubes and tea bags.
The tea cart chase ends up on the Brooklyn Bridge where Rachel rams
Jimmy off and sees him tumble into the East River and not emerge.
We then cut
back to England where Rachel is having tea with her identical twin sister,
Mabel. Rachel goes upstairs to fetch
something when Jimmy kicks down the door, aims his gun at Mabel and says “Surprised
to see me alive, Rachel?” to which Mabel replies “Rachel’s upstairs.”
Jimmy doesn’t believe her and shoots Mabel dead and leaves. Rachel comes back down and sees Mabel dead
and starts crying. Rachel’s other two
sisters hear the crying and come rushing downstairs and we find out that the
four sisters were actually identical quadruplets.
Traitors 4:
Blowjobs are Forever picks up right where the last instalment left off. With the three surviving sisters (Rachel,
Laurel, Morel) plotting to kill Jimmy.
They split up searching all over the world for him. Laurel spots him wandering the streets of
Rome and calls in the other three. The
result is lots of action-packed shoot-outs and chases leading up to the epic
climax in which the three sisters hoist a shark up and carry it like a
battering ram chasing Jimmy through the Vatican. Jimmy rides a tricycle to keep ahead of the
three women chasing him with a shark and uses a water pistol full of
hydrochloric acid to shoot over his shoulder and melt the sharks teeth until it
is rendered harmless and he uses his traitoring
skills to play the sisters against each other until only Rachel is left and
they’re both in a Mexican standoff with water pistols full of hydrochloric
acid.
Jimmy says “You’re
husband traitored his nation. He deserved to die.”
Rachel coldly
states “You don’t understand. I blew
my husband, and blowjobs are forever.”
Jimmy
retorts “Blow this!”
They
both fire their water pistols but only Rachel melts and we get a quickcut flashback to Jimmy replacing her hydrochloric acid
chamber with Tang. We cut back to
present day of Jimmy licking his face then getting a disgusted look on his face
and we get another quickcut flashback to Laurel
replacing the Tang with Lime Orange Crush and we cut back to present and Jimmy
screams “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Jimmy runs
around pulling at the faces of Rachel, then Morel, then
Laurel’s face comes off revealing it was a mask some dude was wearing. Jimmy pulls the dress the dude was wearing
off to reveal an undershirt stamped ‘Discount Mercenaries: Traitoring
On a Budget’.
Jimmy scowls and then scrambles to his feet and starts running around
looking for Laurel until he ends up in a giant crowded courtyard with too many
people and just staggers around looking hopelessly for Laurel as the camera
pans up to reveal Laurel watching from a distant rooftop through binoculars and
she says to herself “It has begun.”
Traitors 5: The Traitoring
(poster by special guest artist Ironic Name)
This one will
involve Jimmy getting abducted by space martians
while searching the Italian countryside for Laurel. We get a fair bit of the aliens scanning
Jimmy’s brain, they discuess that it is impervious to
their advanced mind-reading device and that he has the ability to cloud his
thoughts and deceive anybody trying to read his mind.
On board the
ship it is revealed that Laurel was actually a space martian who took human form to study our
species. Laurel chose to infiltrate a
family that already had three identical children because the parents would just
figured they miscounted or lost track and wouldn’t notice a fourth one. And Laurel was right. She blended in perfectly until Jimmy killed
Rachel’s husband, Sean, and they all started turning on each other and it
threatened to reveal her true alien identity.
But the aliens
feel Jimmy has great traitoring skills and that their
species could learn much from his ability to deceive and become better at
infiltrating other civilizations. Jimmy
agrees to help them, he journeys across the galaxy to their alien civilization
where everybody is eager to learn his traitoring
techniques. He starts showing them that
the key to becoming a great traitor is to walk around with a timebomb strapped to your chest. Soon all the aliens are wearing dynamite
vests with the time ticking down.
Jimmy says he
forgot a key textbook on traitoring on his nightstand
back on Earth and requests an escort to take him back. As they’re flying away from the alien planet
the dynamite vests all go off causing the planet to illuminate. The crew of the ship figure something’s wrong
and that they should go back and check it out.
Jimmy knows once they see that he’s destroyed their civilization they’ll
be furious, so Jimmy rigs their ship to explode and bails in an escape pod
crash landing in Hawaii.
Jimmy’s all
out-of-it from the crash landing and taken to the hospital. While lying on the stretcher on the way to
the hospital Jimmy overhears the paramedics talking about how the news is
buzzing over some big explosion in space.
One of the paramedics goes on a big rant saying “I don’t care if it
was a Russian space station exploding or Chinese missiles or what. Somebody fucked somebody and the somebody who walked away is the motherfucker not to fuck
with and that’s all that matters.”
Jimmy
smiles a contented grin.
Traitors VI: Fucked
We then move on
to a bit more family drama in Traitors VI: Fucked. Jimmy is recovering in the hospital when a
nurse walks in to treat him and it’s his daughter, Alicia (played by Elisha
Cuthbert). It turns out the two aren’t
very close and that Alicia has been attending the Maui Med School for Hawaiian
Nurses on scholarship and is currently interning at the hospital where Jimmy is
recovering. At first she doesn’t want a
relationship, but then Jimmy saves her from being attacked by two escaped
mental-ward patients and she sees the good in him.
The two try to
patch things up and actually start bonding.
But then the evil dean of Maui Med, a man named Mr. Weevil (played by
Hugo Weaving), sees that Jimmy and Alicia’s relationship is precarious and
starts blackmailing Jimmy. Weevil
threatens to revoke Alicia’s scholarship and get her flunked out unless Jimmy
cooperates with him and helps in a plot to hijack a submarine so that Mr.
Weevil can use it for catering functions in a silly business scheme.
Weevil’s
submarine catering business is a total disaster and he tries to blame Jimmy and
the two end up in a big food fight using the stuff from the buffet onboard the
submarine and Jimmy kills Mr. Weevil with a pickle. Jimmy then has to turn the sub around and
floor it to get back from South Korea to Hawaii for his daughters
graduation. Obviously it ends up with
the submarine driving right up onto land and Jimmy driving it like a car through busy Hawaiian streets even though it
doesn’t appear to have wheels. He gets
the sub to the Maui Med campus just in time and gives his daughter a big hug.
Traitors 7:
Chirp of Deceit
Jimmy is using
some time off work to become a motorcycle racer. Traitors Inc (the CIA division he works for)
catches on that he’s healed from his alien abduction and orders him back to
work. He pulls some traitor ops but
sneaks out to keep up on the world of motorcycle racing. He then sees his former pet budgie competing
in a race. He doesn’t know how the
budgie got the financing and skills to compete in the world circuit. He does some investigating and finds out that
the budgie sold him out to the Hong Kong police back in Traitors2 and
used the bounty on him to get into the glamorous world of motorcycle racing.
Jimmy traitors Traitors Inc into thinking he’s off on an op when he’s
really at the big world championship of motorcycle racing to confront the
budgie. The budgie wins, through
cheating, and Jimmy is waiting for him in the winners circle disguised as the
bimbo who hands him the trophy. Jimmy
whips off his mask and confronts the budgie who admits to traitoring
Jimmy but then tries to escape on his motorcycle and Jimmy jumps on another
motorcycle and chases him. But Traitors
Inc catches on that he’s not really on an op and sends out another squad on
motorcycles to track him down and drag him back to work immediately. So the Traitor Personnel Recovery Motorcycle
Squad are chasing Jimmy who’s chasing the budgie and Jimmy ultimately takes
down the budgie and beats him to death before he gets dragged back to work.
Traitors 8:
Fall of the Fuckback Empire
This eighth instalment
opens with Jimmy back at work on assignment.
Jimmy is leading the All Traitor Lethal Action Squad (A.T.L.A.S.) in a
mission in China. A.T.L.A.S. steals some
defense secrets with intention of selling them to
Russia and traitorizing the two countries against
each other. While journeying into Russia
A.T.L.A.S. falls into the turf of Lord Fuckback (Kyle
MacLachlan) a brutal leader of a traditional
clan. Lord Fuckback
claims to be the bastard descendant of both Ivan The
Terrible and Genghis Khan. He rules over
his community with an iron fist, forcing them to train constantly in the ways
of ancient weapons and kung-fu. He
forbids modern technology passing through his turf and demands that anybody who
does pass through his turf pay tribute to him.
A.T.L.A.S.
decides to try and sneak through Lord Fuckback’s turf
undetected, but one of Jimmy’s crew (Evan Handler) double crosses the team in
exchange for some time with the clan’s hookers.
All the members of A.T.L.A.S. are captured and all are killed except
Jimmy who is left alive and allowed to pass through Lord Fuckback’s
turf as long as he pays tribute to him by bowing and kissing Lord Fuckback’s robe in front of everybody. Jimmy negotiates to do this as he gets on the
ferry to leave Lord Fuckback’s turf and Lord Fuckback accepts these conditions.
Jimmy kneels
and kisses the robe and all of Fuckback’s minions
cheer in pride. Lord Fuckback
asks Jimmy if he acknowledges him as the supreme master of the universe and
Jimmy says ‘yes’. Then Jimmy
steps onto the ferry and Lord Fuckback looking
pleased with himself says “Then there’s nothing
else to say.” Jimmy looks him in the
eye and says “Fuck you.” and sails away with Lord Fuckback
looking shocked and embarrassed. Lord Fuckback sulks back to his fortress just muttering to himself
in disbelief. He even takes no pleasure
in usual favourite activity which is bathing in the ashes of the ten thousand
villages he’s burnt to the ground during his career as a tyrant.
He pulls
himself together a week later and demands that Evan Handler be executed, but
he’s told that Handler already escaped.
He then demands that his army mobilize and march the earth looking for
Jimmy.
We then cut to
Jimmy’s meeting with the Russians. Since
Lord Fuckback seized the laptop with China’s defense intelligence, Jimmy just makes a bunch of shit up
and sells it to the Russians as facts then quickly flees to Tokyo before they
catch on. In Tokyo he finds love with
Paz Vega but their romance is interrupted when a Chinese intelligence agent
(B.D. Wong) catches up with him and tries to assassinate him resulting in a big
shootout in the streets of Tokyo. Jimmy
captures Wong and tortures him for information.
Wong ultimately starts to cackle saying that the Chinese just wanted to
be the ones to kill him, but since Lord Fuckback’s
clan and Russian intelligence have joined forces he can die happy knowing that
Jimmy doesn’t stand a chance.
We see Lord Fuckback’s clan march onto a big Russian battleship in
Vladivostok. Jimmy and Paz jump in a
speedboat in Tokyo harbour and head out to meet them mid ocean. The climactic action showdown is Jimmy and
Paz in a speedboat taking down a giant Russian battleship using only grenades
and rocket launchers and pistols. The
closing credits will roll over a montage of Jimmy and Paz shagging in the
speedboat while reggae music plays and the big flaming Russian battleship sinks
into the sea in the background.
Traitors 9: Traitorbabies
(poster by special guest artist Ironic Name)
Traitors 9: Traitorbabies will be a
strong departure from the rest of the series in that James Woods as Jimmy will
have very little screentime in this one. The story will mostly revolve around Dr. Paxfelter Jurgen (Jeff Goldblum) a mad scientist obsessed with Jimmy. Dr. Jurgen owns a
giant Chicago skyscraper that looks normal from the outside, but inside is an
80 storey science lab full of weird trapdoors and experiment facilities and
bizarre Dario Argento style lighting schemes.
Jurgen has his main
lab covered with large framed photographs of Jimmy and framed newsclippings of stories about Jimmy and stuff like
that. Evan Handler (who betrayed Jimmy
in the previous instalment) shows up to sell Jurgen a
sample of Jimmy’s DNA, for which Jurgen pays an
exorbitant sum. Jurgen
sets to work using Jimmy’s DNA to grow traitor clones and quickly develops a
perverse nursery where the traitorbabies (Gary Oldman, Barbara Bach, Kiera
Knightly, Sammo Hung) are
subjected to a battery of tests and they prove to be capable of a high level of
treachery. They can beat lie detectors,
they can con people out of money over the phone, they
are all naturally compulsive liars and keep playing each other against each
other until the whole nursery turns so violent that Jurgen
has to separate them. Jurgen cackles about soon having an army that will be able
to betray the whole world.
During a
psychoanalysis session Kiera Knightly seduces Dr. Jurgen and he quickly becomes a fool for lust. He begins giving her special privileges
letting her leave the lab skyscraper. At
nights Kiera goes around Chicago causing all sorts of
mayhem and destruction. She causes a
huge barfight in a blues bar where Jimmy plays
saxophone and he follows her back to the lab.
Jimmy breaks in and sees all of Jurgen’s
experiments and leaves undetected.
Paz (Jimmy’s
love interest from the previous entry) urges Jimmy to stay out of the traitoring life so Jimmy decides to inform the police and
let them deal with it. When the cops
show up Jurgen locks down the whole building and SWAT
team outside can’t get in. He’s built
the building as a fortress and all the windows are missile-proof.
He continues
his experiments in peace but soon the traitorbabies
all start to dissolve into steaming piles of baking soda because their genes
ultimately betrayed themselves causing them to self-destruct at a cellular
level. Only Kiera
is left because the others’ DNA was just Jimmy’s DNA but Kiera’s
was mixed with Jurgen’s own DNA. But he finds out Kiera
was betraying him by faking her orgasms and Jurgen
becomes distraught and the two begin to fight and Kiera
ultimately snaps Jurgen’s neck between her legs. Kiera uses the
skyscraper’s attack functions and wastes the SWAT team that has now been
sitting outside for a month.
She runs out
into the flaming streets reeking havoc until Jimmy confronts her in a propane
tank disposal yard. The two run around
chasing each other using propane tanks and lights as makeshift flame
throwers. Ultimately Jimmy kicks Kiera into a big pit full of propane tanks and fires a shot
into the pit resulting in a huge explosion that incinerates her. When Jimmy gets back home his wife is angry
with him for getting back into traitoring wars and
Paz leaves him.
Traitors X Pussywarriors
The game is on
in Traitors X: Pussywarriors as Jimmy goes up
against Larry (Lawrence Fishburne), his main rival at
Traitors Inc. As it turns out Traitors
Inc has a traitorpoints reward system for
successfully completed traitor missions.
The traitor agents can redeem their traitorpoints
for various appliances, vacations, and even time with a roster of beautiful
hookers employed by Traitors Inc. The
most beautiful of all the hookers is Josie (played by Josie Maran). Larry makes no secret about using his points
to buy an evening with Josie once he has enough. Josie hates Larry and doesn’t want to have
sex with him and so she personally hires Jimmy to go head-to-head with Larry
sabotaging all of Larry’s missions to prevent him from reaching the amount of traitorpoints necessary to fuck her.
The two go back
and forth trying to beat each other but ultimately Larry gets enough points and
heads to the traitorbrothel to redeem them. He swipes his traitorcard
at the main desk and the host (Seymor Cassel) takes
him to Josie’s room. Josie looks all
sexy and Larry takes off his clothes and then Josie rips off a mask to reveal
it’s actually Jimmy, he pulls a gun out and shoots Larry. Then the host comes in, peels off a mask to
reveal that it was Josie. Josie thanks
Jimmy for killing Larry and asks him if he wants to now claim his ‘payment’. Jimmy says yes and Josie says ‘fat chance’
and pulls a gun on him and shoots him in the chest. She then goes over to Jimmy’s body and
notices his face is kinda loose and pulls it off to
see it was Larry wearing a mask, she feels around the wound to see it was a
bulletproof vest with a squib rigged inside.
Then Josie feels a gun against the back of her neck and it’s Jimmy, who
had been disguised as Larry and lying on the floor on the other side of the
room. The real Larry, who had been
disguised as Jimmy disguised as Josie, gets up and also draws his pistol on
Josie. Then a team of traitors
agents come in and apprehend Josie and arrest her for breaking her contract as
a traitorhooker and thank Jimmy and Larry for their
cooperation in keeping Traitors Inc’s brothels in order.
Traitors 11: Gamblenuts
We turn to the
high stakes world of underground gambling in Traitors 11: Gamblenuts.
After Jimmy destroyed Lord Fuckback’s regime
back in Traitors 8: Fall of the Fuckback Empire,
it left a huge chunk of turf ripe for the taking in eastern Russia. Since then, Boris Cologne (Udo Kier) has established Gamblograd,
a republic built on its anything-goes casinos.
When a Kazak oil magnate loses his oil business to the house, Cologne
decides to shut down the pipeline just to spite the world and demonstrate his
power.
America begins
hurting for oil and the CIA call their Traitors Inc division to send their top
operative to Gamblograd and play in a high stakes
poker game to win control of the pipeline.
But Cologne only agrees to wager the pipeline if Jimmy literally bets
his balls. Cologne reveals that he has a
facility set up where he’ll handcuff Jimmy into a seatless
chair and flog his bare nuts with a rabid flaming weasel on the end of a long
cord of barbed wire.
Traitors Inc
tries to rig the big poker game by placing other operatives as the other
players, but Cologne catches on and wipes them all out during an
intermission. So the final round of
poker is just Jimmy versus Cologne. They
both cheat and accuse the other one of cheating and then Cologne calls in his
goons to take Jimmy to the torture chamber.
Once there they strip him of his trousers and tie him to the chair. Cologne walks in and begins flogging Jimmy’s
balls until eventually his whole package falls on the ground and Cologne looks
up to see Jimmy has a vagina underneath.
Jimmy pulls open Jimmy’s shirt to see big breasts and then picks up the
severed penis to see that it’s wax and pulls off
Jimmy’s mask to reveal it’s a female Traitors Inc operative and that she
switched places with Jimmy during the intermission. The real Jimmy and an A.T.L.A.S. team of
commandos swoop in and rescue the female operative named Judy Throatslitter (Laura Linney) and
reveals that while Cologne was busy playing poker and torturing, that Traitors
Inc stole all the oil and it’s now back in America. Jimmy and Judy tell Cologne that he’s going
to go down with his ship, they shoot him and fly out on helicopters as all of Gamblograd explodes behind them.
Traitors 12: Day of the Clusterfuckbackstab
Things get
political in Traitors 12: Day of the Clusterfuckbackstab. Jimmy receives a briefing that his partner
from the Gamblograd operation, Judy Throatslitter (Laura Linney) has
gone rogue. She took a bunch of weapons
from the Traitors Inc Armoury and relocated to the Middle East where she struts
around the Gaza strip in a bikini as a one-woman peacekeeping force. Traitors Inc says she disrupts their entire
strategy of playing the Middle East against itself and they need Jimmy to take
her out.
Jimmy gets
there and does some reconnaissance watching Judy in action doing a bunch
of Rambo stuff blowing up suicide bombers before they can get near
anybody. Jimmy quickly discovers that
Judy is training her daughter, Trixie Throatslitter-Jones, (Alexis Bledel)
as her apprentice when Trixie sneaks up behind Jimmy
while he’s spying on Judy and she kidnaps him.
While kidnapped Judy explains to Jimmy about her righteous quest for
peace and he decides to betray Traitors Inc and work with her.
Jimmy returns
to Traitors Inc headquarters in Los Angeles to report that he’s killed
Judy. Jimmy’s superiors ask him “Is a
traitor who betrayed a traitor who betrayed Traitors Inc really a
traitor?” To which Jimmy makes a
confused face and notices out of the corner of his eye a ninja sneaking up to
slit his throat to which Jimmy does a spin with a switchblade and slits the
ninja’s throat and says “Never try to slit the throat of a Throatslitter!” and rips off a mask revealing that it’s
really Judy disguised as Jimmy and she has to do a bunch of violent tactics to
escape where Jimmy is waiting in a getaway car outside wearing a disguise of a
moustache. The two speed away in a
highly destructive car chase.
The suits who
tried to kill Judy back in the Traitors Inc boardroom stand around stroking
their chins and saying that operation Clusterfuckbackstab
is going as planned.
Jimmy and Judy
make it back to the hideout where Trixie is waiting,
but Trixie then shoots Judy dead. Jimmy jumps on her and pulls off the mask
revealing it was just a Traitors Inc operative disguised as Trixie. Jimmy then hears the sound of a big SWAT team
outside. But then the real Trixie shows up, takes them out and rescues Jimmy and the
two ride away on a yacht.
The last scene
will be Trixie burying Judy at sea and cursing Jimmy
for her death.
Les Traiterus Treize: French Kiss of Death
Things take a
turn for a melancholy jazz shoot ‘em up feature in Les
Traiteurs Treize: French
Kiss Of Death. Jimmy meets up with
Paz Vega (his love interest from Traitors Eight: Fall of The
Fuckback Empire) in Paris, France. Jimmy tells her he’s out of the traitoring game and she agrees to settle down with
him. He plays a saxophone in a small
jazz club and the two are fabulously happy.
Until one day the owner of his jazz club (Francois Borleand)
is threatened by local Friz Frou
(Romain Duris as a maniac
who runs around with a giant assault rifle / rocket launcher and a pet
bunny). Jimmy says he won’t let Francois
pay protection money to that scum and so Jimmy goes out for one last betrayal
operation. He goes to Friz Frou’s stripclub
and quickly recruits the help of a stripper (Juliette Binoche)
to give him inside information on Friz Frou. Juliette tells
Jimmy about Frou’s country estate in the south and
Jimmy makes her lead him to it. They
drive to Nimes and sneak up on Frou’s country estate
where Jimmy sees Frou breaking bread with Trixie Throatslitter-Jones. Jimmy and Juliette storm the country estate
but Trixie and Frou see
them coming after Frou’s pet bunny alerts them and a
high-powered gunfight ensues.
Frou takes out
Juliette and Jimmy takes out Frou and then goes after
Trixie but she gets away. He returns to Paris to find out this whole
thing was an elaborate rouse so that Trixie could get
Jimmy out of Paris long enough for a crack team of Mexican mafia art thieves
could steal the Arc of Triumph and relocate it to the home of Llama Vargas
(Scarlet Johansson), a wealthy Mexican heiress who just always wanted the Arc
of Triumph in her own back yard.
Trixie calls up Jimmy
saying she blames him for the death of her mother and that he’ll never escape
the world of traitoring as long as she’s alive.
Jimmy goes back
home to find Friz Frou has
dragged himself there bleeding and maimed and extracted his revenge by killing
Paz Vega. Another fight ensues and Jimmy
really kills Friz Frou this
time and then just slouches down feeling defeated.
Traitors 14: Eye of the Shitstorm
When we begin
this fourteenth instalment we learn that Jimmy has used all the money he’d
stashed away in his Swiss bank accounts to purchase his own space station and
lives like some Howard Hughes type recluse in space. He spends his days in remorseful solitude
regretting all the betrayals he’d committed in his life and re-enacting key
moments from his life (mostly scenes from previous Traitors movies) with
dolls and generally behaving like a madman.
He keeps seeing a spaceghost played by Bjork, but figures it’s another one of his hallucinations.
Down on Earth
the American president’s top advisor (Keith David) is warning the president
(William Hurt) about climate problems and says that the Earth is rapidly
preparing for total devastation in the form of tornados, hurricanes,
earthquakes that will wipe mankind off the face of the Earth. David reveals that NASA has security cameras
all over Jimmy’s private station and fastforwards
through mostly footage of Jimmy staggering around naked playing with dolls
until he shows a glimpse of the spaceghost tracing
her appearance to the beginning of the climate shift. Vice President (Wesley Snipes) disagrees
about there being any connection.
They decide to
send up Major Tom (David Bowie), retired astronaut and bounty hunter, to kill
the spaceghost.
He gets up on Jimmy’s space station and Jimmy freaks out screaming that
Major Tom is trespassing and starts chasing him around with a shotgun. Major Tom takes cover and starts explaining
to Jimmy that the spaceghosts are getting ready to
destroy Earth and that they must be stopped.
But then the spaceghost shows up argues that
it isn’t true, and that Earth’s climate has nothing to do with her and that he
must put his traitorous past behind him and learn to trust his own eyes. Jimmy shoots Major Tom and proclaims that
he’s ready to believe the spaceghost.
The White House
is furious and launches a missile at Jimmy’s space station in retaliation. The ship is a flaming wreck and the spaceghost says she must return to her home planet but
wishes Jimmy well. Jimmy puts on a space
suit and skydives back down to Earth and lands on the White House lawn and
fistfights Keith David and the President to death.
Traitors 15: Bubblebloodbath
Determined to
bust Jimmy for beating the President and his key advisor (Keith David) to
death, the Vice President (Wesley Snipes) hires an eccentric wizard (Harvey Kietel) to hunt Jimmy down.
But the wizard is one of these joker types who tricks
everybody and so he cast a spell on Jimmy and Snipes making them tiny like in Honey
I Shrunk The Kids. Kietel commands Snipes to do his own dirty work and kill
Jimmy himself and presents the two with a bunch of bath toys re-geared for
combat. Kietel
sits in the bathtub watching and giggling as the two chase
each other around on rubber ducks that zoom around the water like jet skis and
these types of miniature antics represent the bulk of Traitors 15: Bubblebloodbath.
Ultimately
Jimmy defeats Snipes and has to put on a little scuba diving suit and crawl
down Keitel’s throat with a pennyknife and threaten
to slit his intestines from the inside unless he makes him big again. Kietel says the
magic spell but then realizes he shouldn’t have done it while Jimmy was still
inside him. Jimmy expands causing Kietel to rip apart and die.
Jimmy pokes
around until he finds a hologram machine and turns it on to find out that the spaceghost (Bjork) from Traitors
14: Eye of the Shitstorm was just one of the
wizard’s illusions. Jimmy chuckles to
himself.
Traitors 16: The Piss-Infected Wound of
Valour
We get a blood
and guts WW2 epic in Traitors 16: The Piss-Infected
Wound of Valour. Jimmy and several
of his old army buddies and Trixie Throatslitter-Jones are all kidnapped and put on an island
by a sadistic millionaire and history buff named Monty Cash (Casey
Affleck). Cash is a suicidal maniac who
uses all of his fortune to equip and island with antique WW2 era weapons and
hires a bunch of soldiers to dress up and Nazis and our try to kill our heroes
who all dress as the allies. The heroes
realize they’re outnumbered and so Jimmy and Trixie
will have to work together until all this is over.
Cash locks
himself up in a huge castle on the island dressed as Hitler hoping for some
good entertainment and that Jimmy and his troop will kill him ending his banal
life. The heroes are Jimmy, Fox Talespin (Billy Zane wearing outfits made out of toy
foxes), Sergeant Gunnar (Kevin Bacon), and Lieutenant Skullberg
(Aaron Eckhart with a golden bejewelled skull for a head). Talespin tries to
defect and Trixie kills him winning Jimmy’s trust
temporarily. The remaining group make a
final attack on Cash’s castle during which Gunnar dies. Jimmy and Skullberg
confront and kill Cash who’s rigged the whole island to explode upon his
death. They notice that Trixie had escaped before and figure her as part of the
double cross.
The island
explodes and the two swim to shore.
Where they track down Trixie who is selling
footage of their WW2 re-enactment and capitalizing on Skullberg
and Jimmy’s assumed deaths. Jimmy and Skullberg track her down to a book signing and a huge shoot
out in a big box bookstore results in Trixie’s death.
The public
confrontation gets lots of media attention and Skullberg’s
enemies now know he’s still alive and start to come after him. Jimmy offers to help but Skullberg
says he wants to fight his own wars and it’s better if
Jimmy knows nothing and he rides off into the sunset.
Traitors 17: Never Bring a Grenade to a
Nuke Fight
(poster by special guest artist CarusoStalker217)
In the wake of
several natural disasters Jimmy capitalizes on a grief-stricken America as well
as his status as the world’s youngest World War 2 veteran and runs for
president, since he killed both the president and the vice president in the
previous instalments.
Jimmy hires
Nicholas Cage, a former journalist for some leftist rock and roll magazine to
supply him with all sorts of vacuous catchphrases and vague mutterings about
health care and whatever to get himself elected. Once elected Jimmy decides
to make the government more accountable by shutting down his former employer
Traitors Inc, a CIA front. He
publicly executes all the Traitors Inc brass who may
still have grudges against him. This
move comes under attack from the brazen newly elected President of Mexico,
former socialite Llama Vargas (Scarlet Johansson) and Canadian Prime Minister Harpo (Jim Belushi). Llama Vargas stages all sorts of absurd
public protests where she shows up dressed like a showgirl, makes a few
anti-American comments, and then shamelessly plugs her album of mariachi covers
of Tom Waits songs.
Nick Cage keeps
freaking out about how Jimmy betrayed him by using his suggestions as a
campaign platform, then betraying the people by not giving them the health care
he promised. Jimmy keeps telling him to
shut up and Cage ultimately betrays Jimmy and immigrates to Canada and publicly
mutilates himself with the intention of receiving superior medical attention
believed to exist in Canada in an effort to shame Jimmy’s presidency. But this backfires because Cage chose to
mutilate himself in Quebec where there are no doctors and he died before the
drunk Quebeccor ambulance driver could make it to
Ontario where they actually have some functioning hospitals. Canadian Prime Minister Harpo
feels shamed by this whole ridiculous incident and calls up Jimmy on the
presidential red phone and says “This means war.” Jimmy retorts saying “No, this does!”
and presses a button firing nukes at Canadian parliament. He sits back and smiles a contented smile
until he hears all this chanting outside and goes to his window to see Llama
Vargas leading a protest through the streets of Washington. Jimmy gets up on the White House roof and
fires a rocket at the Washington monument knocking it over and crushing Vargas
and all the protestors.
Jimmy hires PR
mastermind Cuba Gooding Jr to plan huge gala to
celebrate having destroyed the other two members of NAFTA. But then Canadian Prime Minister Harpo shows up on the White House lawn “Hey asshole, you
missed!” Harpo
starts using his hockey stick to flick grenades through the White House windows
until Jimmy runs out onto the lawn and in a symbolic act uses a baseball bat to
deflect one of the grenade back at Harpo blowing him
to smithereens.
Traitors 18: The Devil’s Fluff Girl
Jimmy has
retired from political life after a disastrous failure at getting re-elected
following the release of images of him running from the exploding White House
leaving all his gala guests to roast inside so that he could fight Harpo.
Jimmy now owns
and operates a crab shack in New Orleans with his new girlfriend Velma (Famke Jensen). All
seems well until the two go to enjoy an evening at a monster truck show. The main monster truck stuntwoman, Francesca Tarino (Cate Blanchette),
is a crazy voodoo freak with the power to suck people’s essences out through
touch. Her desire is to be the most wicked person in the world. She normally wears giant oven mitts to avoid
getting her wickedness diluted by accidentally touching normal or good
people. Plus, whoever’s essence she
absorbs, dies.
When Jimmy is
in the audience she senses his capacity for betrayal and immediately seeks to
drain his soul. She swerves and starts
charging the stands. She drives all over
the stands crushing the innocent fans while Jimmy and Velma escape. They hide out at the home of a customer who
frequents their crab shack, but Jimmy catches him betraying them on the
telephone and starts to fight him, pulling off his mask to reveal it’s Cuba Gooding Jr out for
revenge after his PR business went under from representing Jimmy’s
presidency. Jimmy sees the monster truck
barrelling through the swamp towards the shack and ties Cuba to a chair and
flees with Velma leaving Cuba to get crushed by Francesca’s monster truck.
The whole thing
comes down to Velma sacrificing herself by jumping into Francesca’s hands and
Francesca turning good, Velma dying.
Traitors 19: Big Fuckback
at Shitbreak Ridge
Loose strings
get tied up in Traitors 19: Big Fuckback at Shitbreak Ridge when we catch up with Jimmy he’s living
a survivalist lifestyle hiking around the highlands of Scotland. He runs around constantly thinking about the
betrayals of his life. One day he
notices Paz Vega (his former love interest who he believed to have been killed
as a result of his involvement in traitoring by Friz Frou back in Traitors 13:
French Kiss of Death). He only
catches a glimpse of Paz as she boards a ferry and he runs to catch it but
misses it. We then see that Jimmy’s
being watched through binoculars by Evan Handler, who betrayed him several
times throughout this series. Evan
returns to his home where we see he lives on a strange farm but with no real
animals, just giant origami animals posed in pens.
Jimmy finds out
where that ferry goes and takes the next trip to an island known as Shitbreak Ridge.
While on the ferry Jimmy uses the loo and gets clubbed on the back of
the head by an unseen attacker and passes out.
Jimmy gets to Shitbreak Ridge island and discovers it’s a crazy cult who all wear possum
skins and are led by The Prince of Possums (Rutger Hauer).
Jimmy wanders
around looking for Paz, then we see the original Jimmy
wake up in the ferry loo and get off and start doing the same. Jimmy spots Paz going up a hill and chases
after her but once he makes it to the top of the hill the whole cult and The
Prince of Possums are waiting there. Paz
pulls off her mask to reveal that she’s Josie, the malpracticing
hooker he got reprimanded in Traitors X: Pussywarriors. We see the second Jimmy watching from far off
as the scene unfolds. Josie tells the
Prince of Possums his sacrifice has arrived and the Prince thanks her for
luring him.
They strap the
first Jimmy to a big idol on a platform above a giant pit of hungry possums who gnaw at the pillars and eventually it will crumble into
the pit and they will devour him too.
Then Evan Handler flies in riding a giant origami crane, dismounts and
walks over near the possum pit and looks at Jimmy and says he couldn’t believe
he could never tell who he really was, Evan rips off his mask to reveal it’s
Sean (Sean Bean), Jimmy’s adopted brother who was believed to have been killed
back in the first film. The tied up
Jimmy shocked says “Uncle Sean!
You’re alive! You bastard!” to which Sean realizes it’s not Jimmy
and jumps over onto the platform to pull off the mask and reveal it’s Jimmy’s
daughter Alicia (Elisha Cuthbert) wearing a mask as Jimmy.
The real Jimmy
pushes his way out of the crowd and pulls a pistol and shoots Sean in the head
and he falls into the pit of possums and is eaten alive. Alicia shouts out about knowing it was a trap
and trying to protect her father and Jimmy says he appreciates her saving him
from this grim fate. Josie pulls a gun
on Jimmy and shoots him knocking him down, but he rolls over and shoots Josie
dead but misses the chance to save Alicia because the possums work through the
final pillar and she goes tumbling into the possum pit where she is eaten
alive.
The Possum
Prince commands his worshippers to attack Jimmy for taking one of their
kind. But Jimmy fistfights the Prince
and beats him to death and we get an Apocalypse Now moment of the crowd of
worshippers all looking at Jimmy in awe and the crowd parting as he makes his
way down to the harbour looking sad.
Traitors XX: Veritas
Things reach a
David Lynch style mindfuck conclusion in Traitors
XX: Veritas.
We start off with Jimmy running around the crowded streets of Los
Angeles in all sorts of shakey cam panic. Jimmy runs around looking like a madman and
sweating with bug-eyed mania while a calm voice (Mel Gibson’s voice) narrates
in side his head:
“There’s
no one left Jimmy…You’ve fucked everybody over…There’s one left to betray.”
Jimmy starts
screaming to himself that there must be somebody left and falls on the floor
screaming like an infant. Once he cries it all out he get
up and notices the whole city is deserted Devil’s Advocate style. He asks where everybody went and the voice
tells him:
“You
have the sight now, Jimmy. You see the
world only for the people in it who you consider worth betraying. And there’s no one left.”
He keeps
arguing out loud with the voice and looking around at the empty streets until
he turns around and sees the big glass office building of Traitors Inc where he
spent the bulk of his fuckback career. He walks closer and sees that the sign that
used to read ‘Traitors Inc’ has been replaced with ‘The Halls of Fuckback’. He
wanders inside and the place is an immaculate museum (like The Hermitage) full
of giant paintings and sculptures of all the people he’s fucked over throughout
the Traitors movies.
Jimmy looks
around and starts freaking out and smashing them until he stumbles into a house
of mirrors where his reflection is replaced with Rachel Weiszes. He starts firing his gun through the mirrors
which shatter to reveal manikins of himself standing
in a circle around him. He starts
beating the manikins until they are all in pieces on the floor then he looks up
to notice a long hallway with light flickering at the end. He gets there to see it’s a cake shaped like
the White House and a clone of himself pops out and starts singing ‘Happy
Birthday Mr. President’.
Jimmy shoots
the clone and it falls to the floor where he starts ripping it’s
mask off only to reveal another Jimmy mask underneath. He keeps doing this but there are endless
Jimmy masks and he then turns on himself pulling on his own face pulling off
endless masks of his own face until the whole floor is covered in masks of his
face and he sinks into them like quicksand coming out in what seems to be a
maternity ward. He wanders into the room
where they have all the babies in the even rows of plastic cradles. He notices that all the babies have his head Being
John Malkovich style and a candystriper
who also has his head comes in and the two start fighting, but realize that
their gasps of pain and punching of each other wakes the babies so they try to
muffle their cries of pain and wrap their fists in cloth to soften the noise of
the punches. But the fight turns brutal
and wakes up the babies who all cry at a high pitch and Jimmy covers his ears
and closes his eyes.
When he opens
them he’s back in his former office at Traitors Inc and he sees an assignment
envelope on his desk. The voice tells
him:
“You
only have one enemy left. Your worst.”
He opens up the
envelope and takes out a pistol and photograph of himself. He turns the pistol on himself and blows his
head off falling dead on the floor. The
voice says:
“Now, doesn’t
that feel better?”
THE END
I’ve also got
some video games based on Jimmy’s screen adventures.
If you liked this, here are some other recommended
articles:
Here’s my big budget trainwreck attempt.
It’s kinda
swords ‘n sandals meets fantasy versus reality.
Here’s my take on a Straw Dogs type of movie.
The title was inspired by Bad News Bears.
My Ideal Steven Seagal Picture
I use what I learned from
Vern’s book Seagalogy to try writing a Seagal picture.