Traitaz

 

My original Traitors series was twist-ridden 20 film franchise starring James Woods as Jimmy, a compulsive liar sociopath who’s natural affinity for deceit gets him recruited into Traitors Inc, a counter-intelligence division of the CIA.  Once there, Jimmy enjoyed a series of adventures but ultimately ended up squaring off against his adopted brother, Sean.  Jimmy and Sean battled it out, bringing more players into the fold such as Sean’s biological brother, his wife, and his wife’s identical quadruplet sisters.

 

After facing off against the barrage of enemies brought on by Sean, Jimmy went on new adventures working for Traitors Inc to weaken rival nations’ economies, keep world political forces divided, and gain control of natural resources.  Frequently losing faith in the system and growing to despise himself, Jimmy sought a new life several times by opening Cajun restaurants, living as a recluse on a privately owned space station, competing as a motorcycle racer, and working as a saxophone player.  But he could never shake his traitorous ways and just kept amassing more enemies than friends and getting pulled back into his old ways.

 

Jimmy’s traitoring ultimately cost him everything: his relationship with his adopted brother Sean, the love of his life, Paz, his daughter Alicia, his jewel encrusted luxury sedan, his pet budgie, and even his soul and sanity.

 

When it came time to reboot the series for a new era of economic woe and for a younger sexier audience, I looked for ways to bring back classic characters and lots of action, but apply them to more contemporary scenarios with more bestiality.

 

 

Traitaz

 

The first film in the reboot will be simply titled Traitaz.  We meet Jimmy (James Franco) and his brother Sean (James MacEvoy).  Both are a pair of young sexy Los Angeles brothers, although Jimmy has a typical American accent, Sean speaks with an English accent and takes darts seriously as a sport and chuckles heartily at P.G. Wodehouse novels.

 

The two work for Medi-Crush, one of those evil giant movie corporations so huge that nobody knows it exists yet everybody works for them.  Medi-Crush secretly runs America’s health care industry end to end.  They own all the hospitals, develop most drugs, and supply all health insurance.  However their insurance never pays out due to meticulous contract language and their drugs are designed to cure one disease and cause another forcing clients into a cycle of diseases and constant drug purchasing.

 

Medi-Crush studies who uses their services and who doesn’t and it’s Sean and Jimmy’s job to get more people paying for Medi-Crush’s health insurance and to bring revenue into Medi-Crush owned hospitals by causing car accidents and disease outbreaks among those who are not covered.  They get targets and go and attack those people so that they have to be rushed to a hospital and pay for treatment.

 

They get their weekly assignment and it is to infiltrate a popular New York whorehouse and infect its hookers with STIs to cause an outbreak and boost sales in Medi-Crush’s crab lice shampoos and herpes gels.  They’re told it won’t be an easy assignment because Larry The Pimp (played by rapper T.I.) has a disease screening chamber that he forces his clients to go through before touching the ladies.

 

Jimmy and Sean show up wearing disguises of each other’s faces plus moustaches with the infection injection hidden in their wristwatches.  Once inside they are greeted by the Fruit Aisle Twins, Peaches and Mel(ons) (both played by Heidi Montag).  They take Peaches and Mel off to one of the love rooms and attempt to infect them, but Larry is watching them through hidden cameras and tries to save his ladies.  He pulls a shotgun out and runs downstairs and blows Sean away and then goes after Jimmy.  Jimmy escapes but big government choppers and SUVs are all over him and he can’t understand how a pimp could call in this much heat.

 

Jimmy kills one of the government agents, assumes his identity by putting on a latex mask and changing his clothes and doubles back to the whorehouse and finds Larry.  Larry thinks Jimmy is an agent and speaks openly about the operation and apparently the whorehouse is a front for something called Traitors Inc, a division of the CIA.  The whorehouse attracts prestigious clients from the UN and various embassies in the New York area and Traitors Inc then uses the leverage to manipulate global powers.

 

Jimmy finds out that Traitors Inc is headofficed in his hometown of Los Angeles.  He gets the address out of Larry and kills him.  He heads off to Los Angeles to avenge his brother Sean by attacking Traitors Inc.  Jimmy infiltrates the Traitors Inc Headquarters and sneaks through the vents until he stumbles into a trap.  At this point the Traitors Inc brass restrain Jimmy and tell him that they are most impressed that he was able to infiltrate their whorehouse and to kill several of their agents.  They go on to say they’d like to offer Jimmy a job.

 

They tell Jimmy that his target will be his brother.  Jimmy screams out that his brother is already dead and that they killed him, but the brass show him surveillance video of Sean in the whorehouse putting a mask of himself onto Peaches and putting a mask of her face on his so that Larry would shoot Peaches and Sean could escape undetected.  Apparently shortly after Sean snuck into Medi-Crush’s Headquarters and embezzled trillions of dollars before infecting the Medi-Crush mainframe with a virus.  They tracked some of the moneytrail to a shady organization in Europe that Traitaz Inc has been chasing for quite some time.

 

Jimmy accepts the mission to track down Sean.  He uses hacking to hack into the world’s credit card monitoring systems.  Jimmy remembers that Sean would always have the same Sunday routine: he’d get a massage, get a few pints at the pub while watching the darts championships, go to the pet store and buy a cat and set it free.  Traitors Inc monitors the world’s credit cards like Batman with the cellphones in The Dark Knight, to wait for the sequence of a massage parlour, a pub, and a pet store on a Sunday and they track down Sean’s location, which turns out to be in London England.

 

Through various action-packed footraces and car chases Jimmy ultimately tracks Sean down and corners him in the London Eye giant Ferris wheel.  Sean reveals that he’s actually English and not Jimmy’s real brother at all.  We get flashback scenes intercut with his big revelation speech that show Sean being recruited as a baby by a big evil organization that is out to sink the American economy.  We see baby Sean crawl into the hospital where he sees Jimmy’s mother giving birth and he goes into the maternity ward and swaps the real baby with himself.  We see baby Sean in a riveting fistfight with Jimmy’s real baby brother until Sean chucks him out a window.  I’d rather the fight scene between the babies be down with puppets instead of CGI babies.  If there are actually martial arts experts under the age of one out there, that would be even better; or possibly adults wearing baby costumes in a set built to a scale to make them look the size of babies.  Anyway, I’ll let the director worry about that shit, Sean crawls into the crib to assume the identity of Jimmy’s brother.

 

Jimmy kills Sean with righteous indignation by severing the glass pod from the London Eye Ferris wheel and letting Sean plummet into the Thames below inside of it while Jimmy holds onto the metal rim.

 

We cut to Jimmy being sworn in as an official Traitor.  The top brass make him swear the oath of compulsive betrayal and issue him his pistol.  They tell him nobody becomes a true traitor and sheds their conscience overnight and that it’s okay to feel bad about having killed his brother, to which Jimmy replies that all he killed was an impostor and his real brother is still out there.

 

 

Traitaz 2: Fuckominoes

 

The sequel kicks off with Jimmy on his first assignment.  Prominent American psychologist-chemist, Professor Byron Brick (Gary Busey), has developed a softdrink called Joi Jooce.  He describes its contents as “pure happiness in a can” and it makes whoever drinks it euphoric and totally satisfied.  America considers Joi Jooce on the same level of any other narcotic like marijuana and bans its sale inside the United States, but smugglers keep bringing it in.

 

The drink is sold everywhere in Europe and is manufactured on a small man-made island off the cost of England.  Joi Jooce penetrates America and becomes widely consumed and impossible to trace in the bloodstream.  The economy gets worse because people are just so satisfied that they don’t feel compelled to buy stupid shit or take pointless vacations or even work anymore than they have to in order to afford food and Joi Jooce.

 

Jimmy is sent to England in order to go after the source.  He finds that Professor Brick’s Joi Jooce plant only has three employees, Jason Statham, Josh Hartnett, and Freddy Rodriguez.  Jimmy pretends to be some official from the European Union to gain access to the plant where he interviews Professor Brick.  Brick’s office has a triple-paned darkly-tinted soundproof window overlooking the production area which is a giant rainbow-coloured playroom where the three men play on a seesaw and dress up in goofy outfits and put on musical shows for each other and a device in the middle of the room distils the aura into liquid form.  Brick explains that as a psychologist he was able to seek out the world’s three most happy men and put them in the most joyful environment possible and then turn the feeling in that room into a liquid and sell it to people.

 

Brick goes on to say that it’s impossible for a regular man to enter the playroom or even observe it unfiltered because he would overdose on happiness, hence they view the playroom through a tinted soundproof window with blinds that close automatically for 45 seconds of each minute.

 

Jimmy waits outside the plant and follows the men as they come and go from the playroom and finds they’re all fucking Rachel (played by Natalie Portman doing that same awful English accent she always tries to do).  Rachel is the widow of Jimmy’s impostor brother, Sean.  After one of the men leaves Jimmy kicks down the door and starts interrogating Rachel who says that after Jimmy killed her husband she needed to provide for her pet beagles and got a job as a company prostitute for Joi Jooce.  It turns out the three happy men need to have all sorts of sex with her in order to reassure themselves of their heterosexuality after their workday prancing around in silly costumes and singing disco songs in a rainbow-coloured room.

 

Jimmy begins sabotaging the Joi Jooce gang’s lovelives.  He busts the motor on Freddy’s car and then puts on a Freddy mask and fucks Rachel.  When the real Freddy shows up Rachel tells him he already had his turn for the day and so he shows up for work with blueballs and throws off the mood in the playroom.

 

Rachel’s beagles catch Jimmy trying to break into Rachel’s house again and start attacking him.  This leads to a big action sequence where Jimmy keeps ducking beagles that pounce at him so that they miss and go flying through the walls and eventually destroy the beams of Rachel’s house and it collapses.

 

Needless to say, Rachel isn’t in the mood for love that night when Statham comes around for his company entitlement.  Statham goes home to jerk off in the shower but Jimmy pops up out of his toilet and thus commences a kung-fu sequence in which a clothed man is trying to pin a chastity belt on a nude man.  It will be kinda like the fight in Eastern Promises.  Freddy then pops out of the linen closet and Josh Hartnett out of the medicine cabinet revealing that the Joi Jooce guys were expecting this ambush.  They kick Jimmy into the shower stall and bolt the door closed and then start singing and dancing in front of him until he passes out with giddiness.  They leave the apartment tower building that has been rigged with ropes that are attached to harnesses on the beagles who begin to pull the building down.  Inside Jimmy wakes up, breaks through the shower stall door and dives down the laundry shoot just as the beagles pull the building over where it smashes into a pile of rubble.

 

The boys have a foursome with Rachel and are back at work in high spirits the next day with Prof Brick grooving in his office as he monitors the happiness output levels.  Meanwhile Jimmy builds up for his final assault on the Joi Jooce plant.  Jimmy knows he’ll have to shield himself from the pure joy of the plant’s playroom by wearing protective gear and building up a good depression beforehand.  He gets drunk watching Five Easy Pieces and goes to the casino and purposefully loses lots of money to become sad.  Then he puts on a welder’s mask and some headphones blasting Metallica in his ears and heads off to the plant.

 

He first takes down Prof Brick.  He beats Brick and chucks him through the protective window and into the playroom where the happymen are dressed up in cutsie Halloween costumes and performing Inside And Out by The BeeGees.  The pure unfiltered happiness quickly penetrates and oversaturates Brick, who begins smiling wider and wider and he can’t stop his feet from tapping and a boner from popping up in his pants.  But his ever-widening smile ultimately splits his head open and his dancing limbs rip themselves off and he dies of happiness overdose in less than a minute so Jimmy knows he’ll have to move fast when he enters the playroom.

 

Jimmy jumps in and quickly begins fighting the men on the seesaw.  He pins Josh Hartnett underneath and hammers the seesaw seat down on his head smashing it open.  Jimmy shoots the discoball so that it lands on Freddy’s head then kicks him so that he falls backwards and is impaled on Rattle-Me-Bones (a popular toy involving a plastic skeleton that chuckles and teaches children pick pocketing skills). 

 

Jimmy feels himself getting happier and cranks his Metallica louder as he goes after Statham.  He chases Statham through a series of large stuffed dominoes that are like 8-foot versions of those fuzzy dice people hang in their cars.  He ends up smothering Statham to death with one of the giant fuzzy dominoes and then bolts out of the room, rips off his mask and headphones and lets his grin and boner subside and we fade to the next scene.

 

Rachel is in an alley living as a homeless woman crying to her beagles asking them how she’s ever going to be able to support them when Jimmy appears out of nowhere with a pistol aimed at her and says “Try getting better taste in men.” and fires a shot at her but one of her beagles jumps up and takes the hit and she’s vanished.  Jimmy grunts in frustration and struts off.

 

The next scene will be of Jimmy getting kudos back at Traitors Inc for killing the three happiest men on Earth and restoring general dissatisfaction, saving the economy and every American’s God given right to live in a circle of debt.  Jimmy asks if his superiors have had any leads about the whereabouts of his biological brother, to which they tell him he’s got a promising career at Traitors Inc and not to jeopardize it with those types of person pursuits.

 

The top brass at Traitors Inc go into a private room and discuss how Jimmy can’t find out who his real brother is or it could sink their mission to take down the big evil unnamed organization in Europe.  We then get a final Blofeld type scene of a giant office where the head of the big evil European organization sits unseen and rants about how Joi Jooce was one of their most profitable companies and that this has harmed their revenues and they’ll get their revenge on Jimmy.

 

 

 

Traitaz 3: The Fuck-Fuck Doublefuck Panda Conspiracy

 

We meet up with Jimmy and his new bride Paz Lowlands (Jamie King) living happily in the suburbs.  But of course Jimmy’s traitorous instincts drive him to infidelity.  In the morning he wakes up early, climbs out the window, over the fence, and into the home of his sexy neighbour (played by Rihana) who he has sex with and then sneaks back home into his own bed just in time for his wife, Paz, to wake up and give her his sloppy seconds.

 

What he doesn’t see is that the second he leaves Rihana’s place, a panda bear climbs in after him and gives her a better time than Jimmy could and the panda then waits for Jimmy to leave for work and then fucks Paz too.

 

Jimmy goes to his office at Traitors Inc HQ and spends his smoke breaks shooting the shit with Frank The Janitor (played by Eminem).  Frank is a surly blue-collar type who complains in a witty way that amuses Jimmy.  Today Frank is complaining about how people keep leaving condoms full of black and white fur in the parking lot and he has to clean them up.

 

Jimmy comes home to find his wife in the throws of passion with a panda and kills them both.  He goes next door to find solace in the home of his mistress, Rihana, and starts crying about having just killed his whore of a panda-fucking wife.  Rihana’s panda lover hears this from the closet where he’s hiding and bursts out and kills Rihana and tackles Jimmy to the floor but Jimmy manages to shoot that panda too.  Jimmy bolts back to his office where some other Traitors Inc agents start telling him he’s got to come with them and draw their pistols.  Jimmy looks closely and notices they all have panda hickeys and panda bite marks on their collars and fur on their suits and quickly deduces that they are pandafuckers.  Frank bursts in and sprays them all in the eyes with Windex to save Jimmy who then shoots them all.

 

Jimmy and Frank go on a thrilling investigation that leads them to the zoopark.  They begins studying records in the lab to find that an experiment to make pandas breed had not worked according to plan and the pandas were now attracted to people.  The pandas had performed a mutiny and raped and killed the zookeeper and used the lab to develop a pheromone that would make humans reciprocate pandas’ affections.

 

The whole thing leads up to Jimmy finding out the first panda who raped the zookeeper had become pregnant and gives birth to a creature like the newborn in Alien 4: Resurrection, half human half panda.  Jimmy and Frank take on the giant creature.  Jimmy and Frank kill the beast and Frank develops cleaning agent to neutralize the pheromone that makes humans want to fuck pandas.

 

 

Traitaz 4.0: iClusterfuckbackstab.cnt

 

We pick up where we left off with Jimmy and Frank trying to eliminate the panda menace.  They sit around a computer searching the web for anybody left who is trying to promote pandafucking and stumble upon a blog with a link to a sex video of Jimmy with a panda.  Frank quickly turns on Jimmy, Jimmy professes his innocence but Frank doesn’t believe him.  Jimmy reaches for his pistol but Frank squirts his Windex sprayer full of acid onto the gun and it melts away.  Frank tells Jimmy it’s hard but he’s got to kill him.  Then Frank drops dead and we see that he’s been shot dead by Judy Throatslitter (played by Sophia Bush).

 

Judy says that the same blog also posted images of her with a panda that wasn’t true.  They make a quick alliance and investigate.  The blog is written by Danny Ratzo (played by Justin Timberlake), who uses the images of government agents engaging in pandafucking to discredit the government and sell t-shirts and downloads.  The sound of Jimmy fucking a panda has become the number one ringtone in Japan and images of Judy snuggling with a panda appear on thousands of t-shirts and merchandise worldwide.

 

Jimmy and Judy need to repair their images, or at least get a share of the profits.  But it isn’t easy.  Ratzo lives aboard a privately owned spacestation and hasn’t been to Earth in years.  He bases his blog on things written in other blogs.  Judy suggests using a giant magnet to pull him down to Earth and it just so happens Traitors Inc has that technology.  They go to Traitors Inc’s office in NASA but when they get there Judy traitorizes Jimmy by knocking him out, putting on a mask of Jimmy and going into the control room and using the giant magnet to pull Ratzo’s space station down so that it crashes on a Palestinian target she was hired to destroy.  It turns out she submitted the photos of herself to Ratzo so that she could use the story to gain alliance with Jimmy and use the space magnet to cut costs in her business as a professional mercenary in a contract for the Mosaad.

 

Jimmy quickly has to get to the Middle East and recover Ratzo from the wreckage so that they can torture information out of him.  Ratzo reveals the source where the Jimmy panda sex tapes are emailed from and Jimmy tracks the address to a slum in Toronto.  Once there he discovers that his presumed dead impostor brother Sean and Sean’s wife Rachel were behind the video.  They would pay homeless people to wear a mask of Jimmy’s face and fuck pandas and they would film it and then sell the videos to Ratzo.  Rachel pleads that it was nothing personal, she just had to feed her beagles.

 

Jimmy scornfully tells them they’re about to star in a video of their own.  Jimmy then turns on the camera and sprays them with bamboo-flavoured perfume and the panda eats them in front of him.  The video of them getting eaten by a panda quickly becomes all the rage on YouTube and everybody forgets all about the Jimmy panda sex tape.

 

We cut to Ratzo running through the streets of Tel Aviv as Judy chases him.  Judy corners Ratzo in an alley and aims a big gun at him and says she’s just tying up loose ends.  He looks defeated but then starts laughing and says “How could you be so stupid?  Jimmy wanted you to find me.  He wanted me to draw you out.  I’m the bait!”  At which point we see Jimmy observing them both from a rooftop where he clicks a detonator and a bomb that was inside Ratzo’s head explodes killing Ratzo and Judy.

 

 

Traitaz 5: The Luxembourger Who Loved Like a Liechtensteinian

 

Having finally murdered his impostor brother Sean and his wife Rachel and cleared his name of pandafucking, Jimmy heads to Luxembourg for a little rest and relaxation at a picturesque mountain brothel.  There he contracts the services of Josie The Hooker (Mischa Barton).  He enjoys her lovemaking style so much he rents her out for the week and just stays in her room.  He keeps the whole country awake because his wails of ecstasy echo through the mountains and valleys.  Men start flooding in and lining up to fuck Josie figuring she must be good but Jimmy becomes possessive and arrogant not letting her go.  Jimmy uses his martial arts to beat the crowd of patrons away from his door so that he can continue fucking Josie.

 

Jimmy hollers out during one of their sex sessions that she fucks like the primo hookers over in Liechtenstein which she quickly tells him to hush but it echoes through the mountains and everybody hears.

 

Mel (Heidi Montag), of The Fruit Aisle Twins from the first Traitaz, is still alive and still working as a hooker.  She is still upset about Jimmy’s involvement in her twin sister’s death and the loss of her job back in New York.  She made more money as a hooker in America.  It turns out Americans don’t want to fly to Europe to fuck an American girl and so she is bitter.  She picks up the patrons who can’t get in to fuck Josie but are still horny.

 

The Liechtenstein Brothel Assocation sends out a ninja team to recover the Liechtenstein Love Bible from Josie, who as it turns out, stole it from them and fled to Luxembourg.  They steal the Love Bible and take off on skis down the hill and Josie begs Jimmy to stop them.  Jimmy chases them also on skies for an action sequence like in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.  Jimmy skis after them taking out a samurai sword and using it to chop their torsos off.  The scene will end with Jimmy arriving at the bottom of the hill holding the Love Bible and then a bunch of severed legs still held into the ski boot arriving slightly after him.

 

Jimmy then turns around and looks back up the hill and sighs realizing he’s got to climb back up it using a pick and spikeboots like Cliffhanger.  He climbs back up the mountain and when he’s almost back at the top when he sees Josie’s severed head floating by him attached to a small helium-filled balloon.  Mel leans over the edge saying to give her the Love Bible or she’ll blast him off the face of the cliff.  Jimmy throws his satchel to her, she opens it and it is full of explosives and Jimmy pulls out a detonator and blows her up and then surfs her smoking corpse on the resulting avalanche.

 

Jimmy then pulls the Love Bible out of his parka revealing it is safe.  He takes the Love Bible back it the Liechtenstein Brothel Association Headquarters, which is in a big castle, and offers it back to its rightful owners.  They thank him and look down at the Love Bible and look up and he’s appeared to have left.  But then the Luxembourgers show up say its theirs now.  Jimmy reveals that he had snuck into a suit of armour that was standing by the door and says “You can all use your superior lovemaking tips to fuck each other in hell!”

 

He then runs out of the room, slams the door behind him and locks them inside.  They bang on the door for him to let them out.  Then they look inside the Love Bible to find it is just a replica that’s been hallowed out and filled with C4.  Jimmy blows a detonator destroying the whole castle.

 

We cut to a control room and get a Blofeld type shot of a mysterious figure stroking a pug dog in a superman costume.  The mysterious figure asks an assistant “The Luxembourg and Liechtenstein brothels themselves didn’t even know they worked for us, how did he?”

 

We cut to Jimmy back at Traitaz Inc headquarters where he still hasn’t taken off the suit of armour.  His superiors praise him for taking down another revenue stream of this evil European organization.  Jimmy asks if they’ve uncovered anything about his biological brother, they say not yet.  They ask him if he was able to escape with the Liechtenstein Love Bible, he says no.

 

He walks out the front door, hops in his car and drives through the red light district, picks up a hooker and takes her back to his home.  They walk into his bedroom and he tosses her the Love Bible and tells her to study it and he’ll be back in twenty minutes to test her.  She nods, he goes downstairs to play darts on his panda-shaped dart board.  She flips through the pages and then goes into the bathroom and takes off her mask revealing she is Pumpkin (Heidi Montag again), the third of the Fruit Isle Twins/ Triplets.  She takes out a photo of the three of them together and says “Two out of three will be all he gets.”

 

 

Traitaz 6: The Piss-Swappers

 

We open right where we left off.  Pumpkin (Heidi Montag) is avenging the death of her triplet sisters Peaches and Melon (also both played by Heidi Montag).  She has got her way into Jimmy’s home by wearing a mask of somebody else, seeing as she is identical to her sisters.  She is the bathroom and talks to herself in the mirror a bit, then puts the mask back on and then dowses her panties in chloroform and puts them on.  She heads out into the bedroom when Jimmy is waiting on the bed.  She straddles him and shoves her crotch in his face.  He realizes her panties are soaked with chloroform and leverages her off of him.  He is in somewhat of a daze running through his own home trying to escape as she chases him.

 

He grabs the ashes of his dead panda-fucking wife Paz (Jamie King) off the mantle and whips them at her.  She is blinded but she rips off her panties and whips them at Jimmy and they get stuck on his face as he’s running for the front door causing him to trip and smack his nuts on the door handle, fall over gasping and inhaling the chloroform from the panties and ultimately passing out.

 

She rinses the ashes out of her eyes and then signals to a van parked outside.  Friz Frou (Jamel Debouzze) and O’Dripp (Colin Farrel) get out and come in with milkcrates full of science equipment.  They hook up all sorts of IV units and shit to Jimmy and we get a medical montage of them doing experiments on his unconscious body on the floor of his living room.  They take out a Hummel figurine and grind it up into dust, mix it into a liquid and pour it into Jimmy’s bloodstream.  But then Jimmy’s alarm clock (which is a cuckoo clock of a little man beating a panda) goes off in the next room and Jimmy wakes up.

 

They all jump back, he quickly surveys the room and starts fighting them but he quickly cramps up and hunches over clutching his abdomen.  They all strut out the front door and Pumpkin taunts him “This is what you get for fucking with the Fruit Aisle Triplets!”

 

He staggers to the toilet and pisses out a fully formed Hummel and passes out.  He wakes up days later with a beard.  He takes the Hummel out of the toilet and goes around town investigating its origins.  But he has no control of his bladder.  He pisses himself in public all the time.  He ultimately finds the Hummel maker  (played by Uwe Boll) and dangles him off a cliff by the straps of his lederhosen until he tells Jimmy who it was that ordered the Hummel that Jimmy pissed out.

 

Jimmy then goes to the city water purification plant and tries to find out who’s got his bladder like that scene in the old Black Christmas where John Saxon is running around trying to trace the phone call.  Jimmy drinks grape juice, Orange Crush, Five Alive, and lemonade, then waits for a rainbow strain of urine to pass through the system.  Jimmy tracks his piss to some cranky old asshole who tells Jimmy to fuck off because he prefers pissing Jimmy’s piss instead of his own.  The cranky guy then makes a coy grin at Jimmy and purposefully releases his bladder causing Jimmy to piss himself and then slams the door in Jimmy’s face.

 

Jimmy goes to a pay phone and first calls the Hummel maker and then orders Pumpkin’s hooker services to the old man’s address.  She comes over and when they start humping on his bed the ceiling opens up dropping melted porcelain on them sealing them in a giant Hummel.  Jimmy pays the Hummel maker and transports the giant Hummel to the Piss Swappers layer.

 

Jimmy tells them he wants his bladder back.  They say they took a contract from Pumpkin to swap his bladder and that would be breaking the contract.  Jimmy looks over at the Hummel and smashes Pumpkin’s porcelain head revealing a bloody stump inside the porcelain.  Jimmy says that she’s now no longer around to hold them to their contract.  They still seem hesitant to swap Jimmy’s bladder back.

 

Jimmy sweetens the deal “You fellas like pissing, donchya?  It’s your passion in this here life?  Well, how about this, I’ve got something that feels as good going out as it does going in.”

 

Jimmy reveals that he has a six-pack of Joi Jooce that he salvaged from when he took down the Joi Juicers back in Tratiaz 2: Fuckonminoes.  They agree and swap his bladder back.  He tosses them the six-pack and they hold it in their hands chugging it, but the paint comes off the cans to reveal that it is a six-pack of Whoop-Ass painted like a six-pack of Joi Jooce.  They curse Jimmy for betraying him and he replies “Sorry for the betrayal, I’ll bet it’s a real pisser.”

 

The Piss-Swappers then overdose from having chugged a sixpack of Whoop Ass and explode.

 

 

Traitaz 7: The Man With The Cat-Flavoured Dog

 

While Jimmy was off fucking prostitutes and chasing his own piss around, a major development occurred at Traitors Inc.  Conan Thorneycroft (Tom Cruise) defects to Traitors Inc.  He reveals himself to be the head of RECTUM, the big nameless European crime syndicate that Traitors Inc has been chasing after.  He reveals that he is the biological brother of Jimmy and wants Jimmy to help him in taking RECTUM down.  Traitors Inc is more than pleased.

 

Jimmy and Conan go for dinner in Conan’s castle in Germany where he lives with his talking pug dog who wears a Superman suit, Snuggles The Wonder Puggle (voiced by Katie Holmes).  Conan explains that when Sean took his place as Jimmy’s brother, that he was taken by RECTUM agents and raised by them in Europe.  Over the years he gradually worked his way up the ranks but found he could never shake his American sensibilities such as the desire to do an entire month’s grocery shopping in one go and frustration with political systems that involve more than two political parties.

 

Conan elaborates on how even though he has become head of RECTUM, it is a terrorist organization and he wants to help destroy it, but he fears that simply resigning would allow any of his top generals to simply take his place and that they would be more brutal than he ever was.  Conan wants Jimmy to kill all the top brass at RECTUM and to help Conan fake his death so that no lower level assassins and agents will come after him for revenge.

 

Jimmy accepts and Conan tells him of a big RECTUM meeting at a fancy hotel in Barcelona.  Jimmy goes to the hotel and bakes a cannon into a big cake so that it pops out and shoots up everybody in the room.

 

Jimmy is walking away from the mayhem and calls Conan but the number has been disconnected.  Jimmy speeds to Conan’s castle walks inside to see Conan sitting at the end of a dining room table.  Conan tells Jimmy to sit down and eat a nice meal sitting there.  Jimmy sits down and Conan informs him that he has fooled Jimmy into killing all the agents from his own agency who remotely threatened RECTUM.  Conan then puts on a mask of Jimmy’s face and says that it’s okay, because he’ll explain it to Traitors Inc in his place.  Jimmy is shocked by the betrayal and blurts out that Conan won’t get away with this.  Conan replies that he will get away with it because he has perfected the technology of betrayal.

 

Jimmy doesn’t understand and Conan tells him that he just ate Snuggles’s shit.  Jimmy looks down and sees that he has been munching at a bowl of dog shit.  Conan says that if he can make dog shit smell like spaghetti to a seasoned traitor, he can make himself smell and look like anybody.  Conan says he can deceive people at a sensory level making him more effective than Jimmy’s outdated techniques of lying and omitting the truth.

 

Jimmy jumps up on the dining table and charges at Conan but dives right through him.  Conan chuckles that he is simply a hologram and is proud that it fooled America’s greatest traitor and looks forward to assuming his identity and destroying Traitors Inc from the inside.  He presses a button and the castle doors all lock shut.  Jimmy quickly puts on one of the suits of armour before the whole place explodes.  The explosion fires him through the castle’s stone wall but the armour protects him.

 

Jimmy uses the old “look behind you trick” to get onto an airplane and smuggle himself back to America.  Jimmy assumes the identity of one of the Traitors Inc agents he accidentally killed back in Barcelona.  He stalks Conan watching how he has infiltrated Traitors Inc doing a great impression of Jimmy.  Jimmy realizes Conan smells more like Jimmy than the real Jimmy and so revealing him as a fraud will be tough.

 

Jimmy follows Conan and sees he’s even living in Jimmy’s house with his disgusting little pug dog.  Jimmy breaks in while Conan is out walking Snuggles.  Jimmy goes into the basement and finds all of Conan’s sensory deception devices.  Fancy perfumes, seasonings, holographic projectors.  He hears Conan come home with Snuggles and gives Snuggles instructions to fly back to Europe and bring in all the top generals in RECTUM to America for a big meeting as to how they will take down Traitors Inc.

 

Jimmy use Conan’s devices to injure Conan by doing things like making the sink smell like a bed so that Conan will sleep in it and end up with back pain; and flavouring whiskey like coffee so that Conan will drink it and become drowsy.  Jimmy uses the holographic projector to make other cars suddenly appear on the road so that Conan swerves suddenly and has several accidents.  When he arrives for the big meeting with his generals he is a mess.

 

Then Jimmy bursts into the room wearing a mask of Conan’s face and telling all his generals they are fools for letting a Traitors Inc agent deceive them.  Jimmy convinces them he’s the real Conan and that Conan is he.  He gives all the RECTUM generals rifles to assassinate Conan in a firing squad.  But Jimmy has made them reverse so that they shoot themselves in the face.  Jimmy laughs at this, but while he’s cackling, Snuggles The Wonder Puggle jumps in and unties Conan so that he runs free.

 

Conan runs off into a large electronic store that is closed.  Jimmy and Conan stalk each other among the televisions like the finale from Heat.  Jimmy remembers that Conan is an American with American sensibilities so he uses it against him by putting the Superbowl on the televisions and Conan is powerless against it.  He cannot resist watching.  But Jimmy is the same so they have a big fight scene during which they don’t look at each other and occasionally cheer even while getting punched because their team is winning.  Jimmy kills Conan with a DVD player and then kills him again in high definition with a Blu-Ray player.

 

Jimmy goes back home a goes to sleep and in the morning returns to Traitors Inc to deliver his report about having taken down RECTUM.  His supervisors go into a back room an discuss how they can’t believe they were fooled by an impostor Jimmy and they’re not sure how they can be sure this one is the real Jimmy.  They decide to put him somewhere far away where he can do no damage.  Cut to Jimmy in the middle of a desert dressed like Lawrence of Arabia muttering “Fuck.”

 

 

Traitaz 8: Fuckbackistan

 

Jimmy is given the odious task of creating a fake country with fake resources so that other countries will spend huge amounts of money to attack it and come up empty handed so that way America becomes richer by relativity.  Jimmy is given only a doctor, Dr. Paxfelter Jurgen (played by Mortiz Bleibtreu), to keep him alive in the desert while he does this.

 

Jimmy finds an area known as The Fuckback Empire, ruled over by the ruthless Lord Fuckback (Ben Kingsley).  Jimmy tricks him into betting his kingdom in a rigged game of Boggle.  Jimmy takes over and renames it Fuckbackistan to be more modern.  Jimmy and Dr. Jurgen build a cloning machine so that Jimmy can have clones of himself as his top generals.  Jurgen breeds the traitorbabies (Scott Wolf, Megan Fox, 50 Cent).  Like that shitty Multiplicity movie the clones all turn out with different sides of Jimmy’s personality being amplified.  Scott Wolf is the violent hyperactive one, 50 Cent is the selfish one, and Megan Fox is a sex maniac.  Jimmy appoints his own clones to be his top generals.

 

Jimmy orders thousands of pens and then empties their ink into a big crater and pretends Fuckbackistan has oil.  He hatches a plan with his generals and tricks all sorts of countries into investing in Fuckbackistan with the plan of baiting them into a war so that he can fake his own death and just run away with all their money.  Traitors Inc asks for their share of the money and Jimmy refuses.  So America then wages war on Fuckbackistan.

 

It turns out they are not prepared for war because Scott Wolf just placed balloons shaped like tanks out in the desert.  And 50 Cent and Megan Fox have not loaded the gold into his getaway blimp because they’ve just been shagging in the broom closet instead of handling his finances and policies.  Jimmy and Dr. Jurgen try to escape through the streets but his own citizens hate him because 50 Cent forgot to implement the bare bones social programs that would placate them.  He escapes the mob by turning around and running back into the palace.

 

He gets up to the top floor just in time to see 50 Cent and Fox take off in the blimp that actually was filled with gold, but they just wanted it for themselves.  Jimmy tells Scott Wolf that he needs to finally step up as Minister of Defence and go retrieve that gold.  Jimmy and Dr. Jurgen use a cannon to launch Wolf onto the blimp at which point he goes all savage and kills Fox and 50 Cent.  But then Wolf turns around and gives Jimmy the finger and tries to steal the gold for himself.  Jimmy turns to Jurgen and asks if he installed that destruct function in the traitorbabies.  Jurgen says yes and hands Jimmy a detonator.  Jimmy presses it and all the traitorbabies explode causing the blimp to explode too and all the gold bricks to come raining down on the mob below knocking them all unconscious or dead.

 

Then Lord Fuckback enters the town square backed by American soldiers.  The soldiers tell him “Glad we could get you your kingdom back, we’ll just take our fee off the ground here.”

 

The soldiers take the gold bricks and put them in their pockets and Lord Fuckback grins at regaining his kingdom.

 

 

Traitaz 9: Floppy Cockfight

 

After losing their kingdom back to its original king, Lord Fuckback (Ben Kingsley), Jimmy and Dr. Jurgen hide out on the boarder of former-Fuckbackistan in a poultry processing facility.  They cook up all sorts of experiments to get rich quick.  Dr. Jurgen invents self-frying chickens and Jimmy comes up with the marketing campaigns that just lie to consumers and tell them what they want to hear.

 

Lord Fuckback is at first intolerant of Jimmy still existing on his soil, but when Jimmy cuts him a deal to provide chicken meals to Lord Fuckback’s starving subjects, he agrees to let him stay as long as he causes no trouble.

 

Their company takes off and they invent all sorts of crazy chicken-based products.  Jimmy gets cocky and starts wearing a corny rooster mascot costume all the time.  They invent a replacement for airbags that rapidly fills a car with scrambled eggs upon impact.  They even perform grafting of chicken skin onto burn victims etc.  This attracts the attention of Joe Punch (Robert Downey Jr.), a former boxer who is paralyzed below the neck after falling off a sheep dog while trying to ride it.  Jimmy and Jurgen transplant Joe Punch’s head on to a giant chicken body.  He returns to the world of boxing and is a great success.

 

But Joe Punch cannot resist eating himself.  He even nibbles at his own tasty chicken body during fights.  He becomes larger and larger until he is too heavy to fight in any respectable circuit.  Joe flies to former Fuckbackistan to demand a refund.  Jimmy declines.  Joe becomes violent and starts punching him but Jimmy shoves Joe into a machine that seals anything inside a giant egg.  Jimmy then decides enough is enough.  He cuts off the pipeline that feeds the Fuckbackistanians scrambled egg and they quickly become starving.  Then Jimmy rolls the giant egg into the capital city square and smashes it open and all the starving people eat Joe Punch alive.

 

Jimmy tries to proclaim himself their saviour for feeding them, but then Lord Fuckback rides up on a giant chicken and points out that all he has done is tricked good people into becoming cannibal savages and that he is the same man who exploited their nation back when he was its ruler.  The mob turns angry and starts chasing Jimmy who escapes on a giant chicken of his own.  He makes it back to the poultry plant and triggers a giant eruption of scrambled eggs that covers the Fuckbackistani desert and drowns the angry mob.

 

Lord Fuckback rises above the scrambled eggs and he and Jimmy square off for a jousting competition on giant chickens in a desert covered in scrambled egg.  Just as they are about to collide Lord Fuckback’s chicken steed flips him off its back and the Lord lands impaled on Jimmy’s spear.  Lord’s chicken steed pulls off a mask to reveal it was Dr. Jurgen who had been posing as a chicken steed to sabotage Lord Fuckback and help Jimmy reclaim his crown (which is a fried chicken bucket) as supreme ruler of Fuckbackistan. 

 

 

Traitaz 10: Spectrum of Rectum

 

Jimmy is once again ruler of Fuckbackistan, but with no subjects other than his loyal mad scientist, Dr. Paxfelter Jurgen.  Jimmy killed all his subjects either by dropping gold bricks on them in Traitaz 8 or smothering them in scrambled egg Traitaz 9.

 

Jimmy and Jurgen just sit around playing a Wii game that Jurgen programmed where you get to beat up pandas called Pandamonium.  They eat scrambled egg right off the ground and look out on the beautiful empty kingdom they rule.  But boredom starts getting to them and they start getting cabin fever.  While reading Moby Dick, Jimmy gets obsessed with the idea of catching a big fish.  The project helps get them more motivated and happy in life.  Jurgen builds a really powerful pump and they drain a nearby sea to a low level of water so that they can clearly see sea life.  The two grab a shark and put it in a giant fridge and feel pretty pleased with themselves.  They love opening the giant fridge and watching the shark try to bite at them before quickly slamming the door.

 

Then one day they are exploring the sea (which is now only ten feet deep) in scuba gear when Francesca Torino (Mila Kunis) rides at them on a jet ski firing an uzi.  They get back on land and have a really clumsy fight in their scuba gear trying to kick with flipper feet.  She pulls a pistol and shoots at Jimmy and hits his oxygen tank, which explodes and propels him through the air like a jet pack.  She stabs Dr. Jurgen and then chases after Jimmy who has retreated to his palace.  She breaks into his palace where he uses all sorts of tricks of deception to fight her such as trap doors and mirrors and decoy statues of himself.  They eventually start fighting next to the big fridge that contains the giant shark where she tells him that she was sent by RECTUM to finish him off.  Jimmy is puzzled saying he killed the leader of RECTUM, his brother Conan, and destroyed RECTUM years ago.  Torino tells him there’s a new leader now who was content to leave Jimmy be until he fucked with their boat.  Jimmy still doesn’t get what she’s talking about so he just keeps punching her.  Then they both get momentarily distracted when they glace out the window and see a giant nuclear missile heading right at them.  Jimmy uses the distraction to his advantage and kicks her through the window where she plummets several stories and her fall is broken by landing on Dr. Jurgen, who was crawling back to the palace.  The impact of her landing on his head shatters his skull and brains all over the front entrance.

 

Jimmy grabs an assault rifle and jumps inside the giant fridge and dives down the shark’s throat just before the missile hits.  Jimmy’s Fuckbackistani palace explodes in a giant mushroom cloud and the explosion propels the fridge through the air.  Inside the shark, Jimmy realizes the shark was pregnant and begins fist-fighting foetal sharks in the womb of a shark that is in a fridge that is flying through the air.

 

The steaming fridge lands in the egg desert nearby and Jimmy erupts out of the belly of the shark like that movie Alien now with a severed baby shark head on the end of his assault rifle.  Jimmy is furious and looks up in the sky.  He sees the smoke trail of the missile that hit his palace and grabs Torino’s jet ski and follows the trail back to where it was launched from: a giant battleship that has become beached because he and Jurgen drained the sea to catch sharks.

 

While Jimmy is catching up to RECTUM’s warship, Torino emerges from the ashes radioactive and upset.  She mutters to herself about how RECTUM just set her up as a ninja assassin to keep Jimmy distracted so that they could nuke him without him getting away.  She feels hunger and tries stuffing herself with all the scrambled egg all over the ground but it isn’t enough.  She looks down at her glowing hands with shock.

 

She makes her way through the desert and bumps into an opium cartel travelling to Russia.  They see her as a threat and try to kill her but when she touches them she sucks their souls out of their bodies and feels nourished.  She steals one of their trucks and drives back to the RECTUM battleship.

 

Jimmy is working through the ship killing everybody on board with his shark gun from one end of the ship and Torino enters from the other and they’re both killing their way to the middle.  Torino sucks the souls out of a bunch of badassed-looking guards, but then puts on oven mitts to fight regular lackies because she hollers that she only wants to absorb the evillest souls and not have her essence diluted by people who are only sorta bad.

 

Jimmy makes it to the main control room to find that Snuggles The Wonderpuggle (a pug dog voiced by Katie Holmes) who was the pet of the former leader of RECTUM has assumed control.  Snuggles says he was happy to let Jimmy live in peace, after all, it was he who knocked off Conan and allowed Snuggles to take total control.  But then when Jimmy’s lake draining venture grounded their battleship it could not be forgiven.

 

Snuggles snaps her fingers and a pair of ninjas step forward from behind her.  But then Torino comes in from behind them and takes their souls leaving them dead.  She tells Jimmy she wants Snuggles and that she’ll spare him if he leaves.  Snuggles says she wants both of them and they both begin fighting Snuggles who moves like Yoda does in Attack of The Clones.  Torino keeps trying to grab Snuggles but she keeps slipping through her fingers and then starts hiding and popping up out of the shadows like The Leprechaun. 

 

Jimmy ultimately punts Snuggles so that he lands right in Torino’s hands and while she’s drinking Snuggle’s soul, Jimmy picks up his shark gun and shoots Snuggles causing Torino to shortcircuit from a soul going to hell while she was trying to consume it.  Jimmy picks up a tank of nitrogen, puts it in Snuggles’s microwave and we cut him walking away from the battleship as it explodes in the background.

 

 

Traitaz 11: The Heart/ballbreakandenterist

 

After suffering the loss of his only loyal friend and personal mad scientist, Dr. Jurgen, the equipment that sustained the egg deserts of Fuckbackistan can no longer be maintained and the whole country just turned to rotten eggs.  Jimmy returns home to America to burry Dr. Jurgen, who as it turns out wasn’t officially a doctor, he just lied on his application to get into Traitors Inc.  But they put ‘doctor’ on the tombstone because Jimmy bribes the grave engraver to do so.

 

A former word class spy and despotic ruler of a worthless nation, Jimmy now lives as a homeless bum sleeping in a homeless shelter and struggling to find his betrayal inspiration.  He comes up with more convincing sob stories than other bums when he’s panhandling, but feels like something is just missing.

 

Jimmy gets to talking to the other bums at the flophouse and discovers they too were once wealthy men in the high tech sector until the economy went bad.  Many of them recognize him because the video where he fucked a panda brought them much joy and laughs around the office.  Jimmy rallies them to work for him creating an online matchmaking agency.

 

Jimmy makes a big speech saying that people are embarrassed to say what they really want and so they never find true love.  Jimmy says his ideal woman would have big tits that just stare right at him and could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, but he would probably never say that in polite conversation.  So Jimmy gets them to make a helmet that reads people’s minds and matchmakes them with somebody they would really want.

 

Jimmy’s matchmaking service is a big hit.  But he doesn’t tell his staff.  He lets the computer nerds continue to sleep on the streets while he uses the profits to buy a luxurious mobile home.  Jimmy starts to feel lonely and decides to use his own matchmaking service.  But the computer taps into his subconscious mind and finds out that Jimmy is betraying the nerds who built it.  Instead of finding a woman with characteristics Jimmy would like, the computer does some Virtuosity magic and creates a full-grown woman from scratch to ruin Jimmy’s life.

 

Jimmy shows up for his blind date and is surprised to find she looks exactly like his dead pandafucking wife, Paz, only with huge breasts and a lighter for a hand.  They have a really great date, the Heartballbreakandenterist uses her lighter hand to light Jimmy’s cigars and so he finds her incredibly practical, she also leans forward lots and giving him a good view of her cleavage.  They meet regularly and Jimmy uses company profits to take her on luxurious dates to Denny’s where he proclaims that he is in love.

 

They go back to Jimmy’s trailer home to have sex. Jimmy hikes her skirt up and pulls off her shirt to see two heads of his former enemy Jazz (Jason Statham) starring at him and he feels a mouth bite his balls and looks down to see the head of Friz Frou (Jamel Debbouze) in her crotch.  He dashes around looking for where he keeps his weapons but the Heartballbreakandenterist reveals through a narrated flashback that she broke in to his house while he was waiting for her at the restaurant and rearranged everything.

 

The two roll around wrestling with her breasts biting his nipples and her crotch biting his balls while he tries to turn her lighter hand against her.  He eventually uses it to singe her and he kicks her in the crotch knocking its teeth out and she leaps out the window.  Then the trailer starts to roll down the hill because she has literally sucked the chrome of the hitch and it is no longer anchored.

 

His trailer home rolls to the junkyard where all his programmers squat.  The system sent them emails telling them about how he was pocketing all the online dating company’s profits and they are angry at him.  They chase him around the junkyard in a big action sequence involving all the programmers on children’s bicycles throwing propane tanks at Jimmy while he dodges as they explode upon impact like grenades.  He ultimately leads them all back inside his trailer and escapes by flushing himself out the toilet and quickly picking up the trailer with the big claw and dumping it in the compactor which spits out a bloody cube of steel.

 

The Heartballbreakandenterist shows up behind him and has a waterpistol full of lighter fluid which she sprays through her lighter hand’s flame to use as a flame thrower.  Jimmy uses the claw to pick her up and drop her into the compressor, but she escapes and moves through the junkyard trying to find Jimmy.  She comes up on him from behind and fires her flame at him but it is just a bunch of propane tanks with Jimmy’s jacket draped over them arranged to look like Jimmy.  The tanks explode firing her flaming corpse into the compressor which spits out a small flaming cube of bloody meat.

 

 

 

Traitaz 12: Never Look a Candy Ass in the Mouth

 

Jimmy heads to the office of his now defunct online dating agency to find it has already been demolished and is just a big crater.  A van pulls up behind him and several Traitors agents grab him and pull him inside.  He wakes up naked in a white room and sees his clothes hanging on the wall, he heads towards them and smacks his face on a giant glass window he didn’t notice.  He hears laughing behind him and sees a senior agent of Traitors Inc standing there.  He swings a punch and punches right through him and hits the wall hurting his hand and realizing it was just a hologram.

 

The real senior agent enters the room on the other side of the glass and explains that Jimmy’s dating agency has resulted in disaster and was destroyed by Traitors Inc, but too late.  America experienced heartbreak on a national level resulting in high depression and a rise in junk food sales and obesity.  Traitors Inc tells him that he must clean up the mess he caused and destroy Sugar Island.

 

He must destroy Sugar Island, where all the junk food comes from, so that Americans will never be forced to rely on their own discipline for healthy eating habits again.  He is briefed on the people of Sugar Island’s Fudge Pact, which is their constitution.  They allow no outsiders to immigrate.  Their mayor (Woody Allen) has been very successful in keeping out saboteurs in the past.  Jimmy devises a plan to have himself buried inside a giant peppermint donkey and delivered to the shores of Sugar Island as a mysterious gift.  When the giant candy ass appears on the shores, the locals (who all dress like elves) are very impressed and bring it into the village square and begin to lick it.  The Mayor’s assistant (Chiwitel Ejiofor) suggests sabotage and it is quickly established that The Mayor just steals all his assistant’s ideas and passes them off as his own.  So they command everybody to stop licking the candy ass.

 

At night Jimmy drills out of the candy ass and starts sneaking around killing all the top ministers in the Sugar Island government in various candy-related ways and impersonating them by making masks of their faces.  Jimmy starts arranging for Sugar Island to be destroyed by commissioning a park like Central Park to be made out of pop rocks and for several oil tanker-sized cans of soda pop to be parked on top of the pop rock park.  He invites the Mayor to come to the opening of the park where he rapid fires a Pez dispenser so that the Pezes pierce the cans of Coke and it spills out onto the pop rock soil causing giant explosions that kill the Mayor and start the island sinking.  But a rapid response team of helicopters drop ice cream onto the Coke neutralizing it in a delicious Coke Float.  A team of ninjas quickly trap Jimmy, who is disguised as the Minister of Fizz (Ellen Page) and rip off his mask and drag him into a room where The Mayor’s Assistant tells him he is grateful that the Mayor was killed so that he can now assume his job.  He thanks Jimmy for making him a hero and tells him he will be publicly executed by being stuck to the candy ass he arrived in with bubble gum and pushed into the sea.

 

Jimmy is stuck onto the candy ass in the village square where he is booed and The New Mayor grins at him coyly.  Jimmy turns his head and shoves his face into the bubble gum that is binding him to the peppermint donkey and begins to blow until a giant bubble distances him from the donkey.  The bubble pops cracking the candy ass to reveal it was also full of several chambers of ants.  The ants begin devouring the island as the people run in fear.  Jimmy runs to the docks to the speedboat Traitors Inc told him would be there but The New Mayor chases after him holding two giant candy canes as hooks that he uses to latch on to the speed boat as it speeds away from the dissolving island.  Jimmy shakes up a can of soda pop, shoves it in The New Mayor’s mouth, punches him on the top of the head causing him to bite the can and pierce it releasing carbonation that detonates his head.

 

 

Traitaz 13: Fist of the Punch-Hitter

 

Jimmy arrives by speedboat back on the shores of America with the stiff headless corpse of Chiwitel Ejiofor still gripping onto two candy canes which he had used as hooks to latch onto the back of Jimmy’s speedboat.  Jimmy tries to avoid his former employer Traitors Inc because they always try to force him to do things so he sets the boat on fire and quickly grabs a taxi to the airport to flee the country.

 

He plans to go to Austalia because he figures that’s really far and nobody would bother chasing him there, plus he speaks a bit of Australian from having watched Crocodile Dundee movies.  His flight transfers in Frankfurt Germany, the biggest airport in Europe.  A passport control officer tells him his passport has been blocked and he cannot take his next flight to Australia but can also not leave the airport because he is now a citizen of nowhere.  Jimmy curses Traitors Inc for working so fast.

 

Jimmy wanders around the airport pickpocketing and eventually steals a passport of a guy who looks enough like him.  Jimmy uses it to buy a ticket to finish his trip to become a fugitive in Australia and he follows the directions around the airport to get to his terminal.  The airport is an endless maze of hallways, escalators, and doorways.  He finally finds his terminal, the stewardess tears his ticket and wishes him a pleasant flight, he looks down her shirt while thanking her and walks into the tunnel that should lead to the airplane but it falls off into a pit of darkness.  He lands in an underground city where an assortment of bizarre characters is gathered in a semi-circle around an altar with a giant golden lion.

 

A loudspeaker from behind the lion tells the small group that they are the dirtiest fighters in the universe and they have been assembled here for a tournament called Immoral Combat.  The winner gets their freedom and the golden lion.  The loudspeaker does a role call and introduces the combatants: a blue collar ninja called The Pennsylvanian Cobra (James Gandolfini), a vixen who wears a beehive on her head and a dress made of living bees named Bubbleboobs (Christina Hendricks), a penis envy-suffering dildo-wearing warrior from a distant future called The Strap-On Samurai (Katy Perry), a madman in a straightjacket named Bedlam Buck (Chris Bale), and a half-wombat Judo expert called Combat Wombat (Paul Dano).  They are told to go to their quarters and they can challenge an opponent at any time.

 

A couple matches take place for our amusement.  Bedlam Buck manages to defeat Combat Wombat by biting off one of his hands, holding the severed hand in his teeth, wrapping his legs around Combat Wombat’s torso and rapidly pecking at his head with his own severed paw like a woodpecker.

 

The Pennsylvanian Cobra moves with furious speed to slice bumblebees in half right out of the sky leaving Bubbleboobs a defenceless woman wearing only a coating of honey that she used to keep the bees on her body as a dress.  He decapitates her without hesitation.

 

Jimmy manages to get several opponents out of the way by making masks of their faces using his maskmaker, which he had in his carry-on bag.  Jimmy would impersonate one fighter to challenge another and then throw the fight thus eliminating several opponents who are furious that they are declared the losers in fights in which they never fought.

 

Jimmy then seduces the Strap-On Samurai so that he can learn more about her time travelling ways.  He finds out that apparently the Frankfurt airport is so big that it also includes passages to other periods in time and that most people don’t notice travellers from other time periods passing by them in the hustle and bustle of the airport.  The other angry fighters bust in on them accusing Jimmy of the underhanded shenanigans afoot.  Jimmy pushes the Strap-On Samurai onto the ground so that she is balancing on her dildo tip and he spins her like a top so that she spins around the room knocking the others down.  He runs into the main room and shoves the altar with the golden lion so that it falls and crushes all combatants except for The Strap-On Samurai.  Jimmy picks up the golden lion and the voice over the loudspeaker declares him the winner by pulling the dirtiest fight move of all: just stealing the trophy.

 

Jimmy offers to walk her to her terminal so that she can return to her time.  The two kiss, he shakes her dildo like a hand and says goodbye.  Jimmy goes and buys his ticket to Australia and we cut to him in Vienna holding his golden lion asking somebody where all the kangaroos are.

 

 

Traitaz 14: Watchdogs of Warhorseshitbreakdown

 

 

We open with Jimmy sitting at a little drink kiosk, gleefully chugging a Foster’s beer and laughing at kangaroos in the Vienna zoopark while stroking his golden lion.  A huge explosion goes off in the distance and gunfire erupts everywhere.  A bunch of Asian guys run by Jimmy and get shot in the back by a crazy American army squad full of eccentric soldiers and a camera crew move around them.  The soldiers tell him he’s been liberated and Jimmy asks what war is going.  They tell him Vietnam.  Jimmy makes a confused face and the director yells to cut filming.  They stop and tell him that Monty Cash (Topher Grace), a millionaire history buff, is paying to re-shoot Vietnam in the zoopark so that Americans win.  Jimmy looks down to see that the dead Asian guys weren’t acting, they’re dead, so he decides to join these men on a mission.

 

Quickly, Jimmy reverts to his traitorous ways.  He starts a mutiny within the platoon to take down Tailspin (Tyrese).  Private Skullberg comes out on top of a power struggle that ensues to fill the void left after they execute Tailspin.  Jimmy uses this time to defect to the side of the Vietnamese, who are mostly played by poor Chinese Americans and Mexicans wearing rice field hats who didn’t know what they were signing up for.  He leads the Vietnamese to victory.  Skullberg is pissed at his men losing and just says that Vietnam is for losers and quits this whole embarrassing circus.  The camera crew is pissed, but they are convinced they can fix it in the editing room so that America still wins.

 

Jimmy lords over the zoopark turning himself into a guerrilla leader along the lines of Che Guevara.  Monty Cash is one of these Howard Hughes types who makes shitty movies more as a hobby, and so he has a couple productions going at the same time.  He sends in the bunny-costumed cast of a Watership Down knockoff he was producing to take out Jimmy.  The bunnymen shoot through most of the Vietnamese forces but can’t find Jimmy.  The bunnymen nuke the zoopark and assume Jimmy’s death.  But Jimmy actually escaped and quickly invested in all companies that make Easter-related products, and since the new re-written history credits the Easter Bunny with winning Vietnam, Easter becomes bigger than Christmas.  Jimmy becomes fabulously wealthy living in a mansion.

 

Jimmy gets greedy and wants to really push Easter chocolate and candy to new levels.  Rather than paying to make coco and sugar, he comes up with idea to get a salvaging crew together and raise Sugar Island from the briny deep and mine it for its candy resources.  He commits all his resources to this goal.

 

Jimmy is standing on the deck of a giant ship in the sea where Sugar Island used to be.  His fleet use massive chains to pull Sugar Island back up the surface.  Jimmy dances and salivates at how rich he’s going to be.  Then they drop Sugar Island back to the bottom of the sea and every sailor in his fleet keep Jimmy at bay by pulling pistols at him.  A helicopter lands on the deck and Monty Cash gets out and tells him he paid Jimmy’s men to betray and bankrupt him.  Monty tells Jimmy that he’ll let him live if he signs over ownership of all his Easter-related stocks.  He hands Jimmy a contract.  Jimmy struts around looking at it in agony until he breaks down crying and sobbing hunched over the contract at which point Monty simply taps him on the shoulder with a fountain pen, Jimmy begrudgingly signs it.  Monty says that concludes the deal.  Jimmy throws himself physically on Monty begging him to reconsider.  Monty gets on the helicopter with the sailors and yells to Jimmy “Enjoy the life I’ve allowed you to live!”

 

Monty Cash is in his helicopter and begins flipping through the contract to find out Jimmy swapped it and signed a menu from his ship’s restaurant, making it meaningless.  Monty turns the page on the contract and it says to check in his pocket.  Monty pulls a little bomb out of his pocket and it then goes off blowing up the whole helicopter.

 

Jimmy cackles as he goes down with his ship.

 

 

Traitaz 15: The Great Mullet Siege

 

 

After destroying his rival, Monty Cash, and making it back to shore somehow, Jimmy’s Easter empire continues to make him a rich man living in a mansion in Italy.  Sugar Island is still at the bottom of the sea waiting to be exploited.  But Jimmy doesn’t have enough money to get a fleet of ships together again to raise the island, so he just leaves it.  But his former employer, Traitors Inc, betrays him and moves in to take it first.  Their plan is to harvest the remaining candy foundation from Sugar Island and drop it in their enemy countries to make them fat and lethargic so that they’ll be easier to fight.  Traitors Inc puts together The Birds of a Feather, a team of operatives united by dressing in bird costumes.

 

But once they raise Sugar Island it fires a rocket at The Birds of A Feather killing them and the island immediately starts moving on its own.  We cut to Jimmy’s office to see him controlling the island with a video game controller.  We then cut to a quick cut flashback to fill in that Jimmy has been using his funds to employ a team of engineers to scuba dive down to the sunken Sugar Island and attach motors to it and design a giant ramp.  Jimmy steers Sugar Island right into the Panama canal where it clogs up the whole canal system and Jimmy’s team fly in with helicopters and install a giant ramp going over the Panama canal and starts charging half what the canal charged for passage.

 

The world’s transporters quickly pay to have their ships take the giant ramp that goes over Panama and Jimmy becomes even richer overnight.  Traitors Inc seeks to take Jimmy out of the equation of global politics once and for all.  They activate Mulletforce, an elite attack squad united by a hairstyle, and tell them to fly to Italy and attack Jimmy’s mansion.  Jimmy anticipates this move and infiltrates Mulletforce’s airplane (which also has a mullet).  He seduces a pommie stewardess named Zola (Emily Blunt) and screws her in the airplane toilet during takeoff and then while she’s fixing her uniform, he exits and makes his way to the cockpit.  He kills the pilot, turns the airplane around and lands it in front of the Traitors Inc headquarters in Los Angeles.  He puts on a mullet wig and tells Mulletforce they’ve landed in from of Jimmy’s mansion and to attack.  Mulletforce destroy Traitors Inc headquarters thinking it is Jimmy’s mansion.  Traitors Inc HQ crumbles with all the operatives burning alive inside, Jimmy ushers Mulletforce back to the mulletplane and take off.

 

Jimmy tells Mulletforce their mission has been accomplished and they’re now heading back to America.  Alone in the cockpit, Jimmy takes off his mullet wig and puts on a parachute.  Zola comes in for another shag and the two start going at it.  One of the Mulletforce guys (Al Leong) comes into the cockpit and sees the mullet wig on the ground and looks at Jimmy and suddenly recognizes him and realizes they’ve been duped.  He attacks Jimmy, but Jimmy and Zola tag team him and impale him on the steering yolk which sends the airplane into a nose dive. 

 

Jimmy and Zola exit the cockpit to find all of Mulletforce waiting for them with their weapons drawn.  Jimmy and Zola fight their way past Mulletforce and make a dive into the airplane toilet and flush themselves out the ass of the airplane.  Zola clutches onto Jimmy as they float down with his parachute kissing romantically and then gazing off into the distance at the mulletplane hurdling towards the ground.

 

Jimmy looks off into the distance to the grim realization that the mulletplane is in a nosedive aimed right at his Panama ramp.  It crashes destroying the Panama ramp and incinerating all the rotten candy that was plugging up the canal.  Jimmy frowns and Zola asks him what is wrong, he looks at her, looks down her shirt, smiles, and replies that nothing is wrong and the two snog in the haze of burning candy.

 

 

Traitaz 16: Jumping The Gun

 

Jimmy is no longer a public enemy in America, since the only organization aware of his crimes was the top-secret spy network, Traitors Inc, which he destroyed in the previous instalment.  He returns to his native Los Angeles and since Traitors Inc was so secretive nobody can find any property deeds for the land where their headquarters was situated before Jimmy blew it up.  So Jimmy gets into real estate by buying the land lot where his former employer and enemy, Traitors Inc, had their headquarters.  Jimmy hires a bunch of South American workers lead by Danny Trejo to build a giant Trump Tower type acropolis on the site and then has them deported to avoid paying them.  Jimmy moves in to the penthouse with his new love, a pommish ex-stewardess named Zola (Emily Blunt).  Jimmy still fucks around on the side, but does have a strong emotional connection with Zola and so he puts up with standard boyfriend duty shit.

 

Two of his childhood chums, Brittany (Brittany Muprhy) and Brian (Kirkwood Smith) buy condos in his giant tower and the three of them plus Zola all hang out together.  Zola gets all bitchy saying that whenever they discuss shit that happened in kindergarten, she feels left out.  Jimmy says it’s impossible for them to never discuss old times and she just gets all pissy saying he should be on her side and more supportive and then she won’t screw him for a week.

 

Jimmy starts hanging out with Brittany and Brian without Zola, but all he does is complain about his relationship problems or tell them in gross detail about what a good shag Zola is.  He comes home to find Zola waiting with a Wizard (Ian McShane) who claims he can resolve relationship problems.  They talk about their problems.  Zola says Jimmy’s problem is that he’s stuck in the past.  Jimmy says Zola’s problem is female hormones.  The Wizard makes them a deal to help.  He asks Jimmy to get on his flying preying mantis and they ride up into the sky and into a nebula and when they land, Jimmy is a child again.

 

Brittany and Brian come out to the park to play with him and they play childish games only to discover they all have deadly consequences.  Jimmy throws a Frisbee only to have it transform into a buzz saw in mid air and nearly chop Brittany’s head off.  Whenever they try to do anything it turns into a deadly game.  Jimmy screams at the sky and The Wizard flies out of the clouds and tells him he must defeat his childhood in order to return to adulthood.

 

Jimmy goes home and starts playing with his Teletubby doll, but it quickly comes to life (played by Don Cheadle) and starts chasing him around like a The Leprechaun movie.  He quickly makes a deal with the Telecheadle to help him out.  He gives the Telecheadle his lunch money to help him beat his friends at deadly games.  He plays a big game of Hide And Go Seek, in which ‘It’ wins by shooting all the other players.  Jimmy is ‘It’ and the Telecheadle lies in the field like a lifeless doll and observes where everybody is hiding and then tells Jimmy.

 

Jimmy survives playing red ass with a bazooka, hopscotch with uzis, and red rover with tanks, and skip rope with a chain of guns.  He finally makes it to a version of spin the bottle where they spin a bottle and whichever two people it selects must go into a closet and fight to the death.  He ends up in the closet beating Brian to death leaving he Brittany as the only kids left alive.  They must play truth or dare.  Jimmy dares Brittany to kill herself and she does.  Then the Telecheadle pounces on him biting at him because there are no more opponents and so Jimmy won’t be paying him to give him the edge anymore.  Jimmy defeats the Telecheadle and the walls of his childhood home fall down around him revealing it was just a small set in a giant marble room.  The Wizard appears and tells him he has defeated his childhood friends, games, and favourite toy and now he must take the sacraments of adulthood to complete his journey home.  He walks a long way towards a giant altar where he smokes his first cigarette and looks at his first porno magazine and a haze magically transports him back to his adulthood where he is lying blissfully in his bed.  He rolls over to find he’s lying there with Brittany!

 

She and the Wizard both point guns at Jimmy telling him that when Jimmy was a little boy he used to tease Brittany and spread nasty rumours about getting to feel her up in the schoolyard.  The whole school thought she was a skank.  Brittany tells Jimmy that she and the Wizard have used optic trickery and magic to fool Jimmy into killing all of his former schoolmates and now she’s going to leave him to burn.  Brittany reveals a detonator in her hand.  She and the Wizard hop onto his flying preying mantis on the balcony and then jump off, only the mantis doesn’t fly it just plummets to the ground and they both splatter on the sidewalk.

 

Jimmy looks over the balcony and observes their splattered bodies and Zola appears from the balcony on the level below.  She says she figured out that The Wizard was not a real relationship councillor when he tried to trick her into sleeping with a panda, so that Jimmy would return from his childhood to see her in an act that would be especially damaging to his pride.  But she escaped, made it to the floor below, grabbed a bunch of drugs out of the medicine cabinet and drugged the flying mantis.  Jimmy declares his love for Zola and says he’ll never mock her hormones again, she agrees to never to try and cut him from his past again and they kiss with their fingers crossed behind their backs.

 

The last shot will be a Taxi Driver overhead type long pan of Jimmy and Zola snuggling in bed panning over to outside where Brittany, The Wizard, and the mantis are all splattered on the sidewalk.

 

 

Traitaz 17: The Stirsticker Man

 

This entry starts off more like a fast-moving zombie movie.  Jimmy is driving around with Zola and having a thinly veiled conversation about her feelings about marriage when Jimmy’s car gets attacked by thugs who are capable of running almost as fast as he can drive and it startles them.  He goes about his daily routine noticing everybody everywhere becoming hyper.  They all move frantically with unstable moods and sweaty complexions.  He tries to go on a romantic date with Zola but the shakey waitress spills scalding tea on Zola’s leg which ruins the mood.  Jimmy goes to beat up the waitress and finds her stronger and faster than one might expect.  He tries to send Zola flowers but the florist’s grip crushes the flowers and squeezes the life out of them and Zola just ends up getting dead flowers.

 

Jimmy and Zola’s relationship is getting strained.  Then one day taking the lift down to the lobby he hears a bunch of his tenants sounding desperate saying there’s no more coffee and that the supply has been cut off.  Jimmy simply blows them off saying “I don’t drink that shit, and neither does my fine piece-o-ass common law wife!”

 

They mock his common law union that has all the same legal implications as a real marriage and he mocks them for drinking something that looks like diarrhoea and they part ways as he spits out something about when their rent is due.

 

Walking down the street he notices the whole place is all quiet and that all the people are just skinny weaklings who are either too weak to even crawl or dead.  Hordes of bodies are piled on top of each other outside of Starbucks and other cafes which all have signs that say ‘Sold Out’ or simply ‘No More’.

 

Jimmy’s pretty happy to finally have some peace and quite now that everybody is dead so that he can have a romantic evening with Zola and propose.  He takes her out for dinner at a restaurant where he does the cooking since the staff are all shrivelled dehydrated weaklings who only make the occasional groan calling out for coffee.  They walk home to find an army of construction worker guys from South America are gathered outside his skyscraper home.  Jimmy recognizes them as the guys who built it, lead by Danny Trejo who was the chief architect.

 

Trejo is looking at Brittany Murphy’s now very rotten body lying in front of the building.  Jimmy never bothered to clean up the corpses of Brittany, The Wizard, and the mantis.  Trejo takes the detonator out of Brittany’s skeleton’s hand, says that she was going to keep her half of the bargain; Trejo uses it to detonate the building.  Jimmy just curses under his breath about how he should’ve cleaned that mess up.  The crew push the rubble out of the way revealing the vault of Traitors Inc.  Since Jimmy just had his tower built on top of the old Traitors Inc foundation he never thought about what was left in the basement.

 

Trejo busts open the vault and takes the Fuckbackistanian gold bricks that Traitors Inc stole from him back in Traitaz 8: Fuckbackistan.  Trejo holds up the gold proclaiming that there is nobody to stop them from taking this gold home and then coming back for Fort Knox.  Jimmy and Zola split up, Jimmy steals Trejo’s idea and robs Fort Knox first, Zola infiltrates the coffee plantation in South America.  She finds they worship an idol made of stir sticks called The Stir Stickerman who has the power to caffeinate beverages.  Jimmy meets up with her and they both devise a plan.  Jimmy boldly runs right into the village square and steals the idol in a speedboat and Trejo’s cult scramble to their ship to chase him. 

 

But Zola has already put the Fuckbackistanian gold back on their ship and so they transport it to America unknowingly.  They catch up with Jimmy just as he reaches the shores of Los Angeles.  He abandons the speedboat and takes off on foot, they get closer and find that the idol was a fake.  We cut back to reveal that they had stolen the real idol much earlier and replaced it with a fake one for Jimmy to steal later.  Zola had already taken the real one back to America to caffeinate their beverages and bring the coast guard and police back to life, who blow Trejo’s ship out of the water.

 

The coast guard thanks Jimmy and returns his gold to him and they mention that they will go to South America to try and find the gold they believe Trejo stole from Fort Knox.  Jimmy tells them they are welcome and wishes them good luck.  He turns to Zola on the beach and busts out a ring and proposes.  She accepts.

 

 

Traitaz 18: Slayercake

 

Jimmy is now a well-loved public figure for having restored caffeine to the American public.  His upcoming wedding to Zola becomes a big event and the attention goes to Jimmy’s head.  Jimmy becomes somewhat of an unbearable primadonna micromanaging every aspect of the wedding planning to make it the most extravagant event.  He has stacks of bridal dress magazines everywhere and is obsessed with sending multiple rounds of invitations to all the most glamorous people and repeatedly mentioning that he and Zola are registered for gifts and that all the items on their gift registry are things like expensive BMWs and yachts.

 

In negotiating to get several important political figures to attend his wedding, Jimmy has to accept to put his weight behind their causes in exchange.  One such program is an animal rehab program that was created in response to the problem with pandas years ago.  The justice system seeks to take anybody found guilty of being an animal and rehabilitate them through genetic therapy into being humans and finding them jobs.  The program is widely unsuccessful because it’s really hard to get cops to arrest bears and cheetahs and the such, and animals would frequently jump bail and skip their trials.  But Jimmy agrees to have a gorilla (Randy Couture) who is being slowly transformed into a human baker to design his wedding cake.

 

Jimmy’s narcissistic antics spiral out of control as he continues getting into confrontations with everybody involved in the wedding.  He hires Devo to be the wedding band, then replaces the members one by one until there are no original members and then won’t let them sing Devo songs.  He gives the gorilla an endlessly hard time about the cakes he keeps making.  He throws tantrums where he sings Leslie Gore songs while destroying the cakes.  Jimmy gets more and more stressed out by being unable to choose between chicken or fish for the meal and relieves his tension by sleeping with the bridesmaids.  His inability to choose between chicken and fish ultimately manifests itself as a winged shark that eats the chef and Jimmy chases it out into the street with a broom and decides to just order pizza.

 

Things take a turn for the more complicated when Zola discovers she is pregnant and her due date is also their wedding date.  Jimmy decides that this will actually make the event all the more spectacular.  He wants his bride to be wheeled in wearing her wedding dress, pledge her undying love to him and give birth to his first child in front of all of his high profile guests in a luxurious venue.

 

Jimmy arrives at the chapel he had built just for his wedding on his wedding day.  He enters and notices a giant multi-story cake.  The gorilla has his wife hostage and on each level there is a different group of people who are all outraged at him.  He discovers he’s impregnated all the bridesmaids and they are angry with him for this and try to fight him.  He punches them in their hypersensitive pregnant breasts and that brings them to the ground in pain.

 

The wedding band, Devo, attack him with whips.  The florist (David Borneagainz) fights him.  As he climbs the slayercake and fights different enemies and he hears the labour moans of his wife delivering his baby atop the cake and the gorilla laughing and throwing explosive barrels at him.  Jimmy makes it to the second last level and battles the winged-shark, then begins fighting the gorilla, but all his guests show up and start firing shotguns to try and help him.  Jimmy wrestles with gorilla and screams to the guests below that there’s a baby on top of this cake and to hold their fire.  The press starts chattering about all these politicians shooting at a baby and what a great headline that would make and so the wedding celebrity guests all turn their shotguns on the journalists.  During the fight the gorilla knocks his stack of exploding barrels onto the guests below incinerating them and causing the cake to rapidly melt and then just crumble.

 

Jimmy digs his way out from under the avalanched cake to find Zola’s dead body and let out a giant howl like Al Pacino at the end of Godfather 3 only in a sea of frosting.

 

 

Traitaz 19: Salty Discharge at Fuckback Lagoon

 

Even though his wife is dead, Jimmy still goes on his honeymoon to the Fuckblue Lagoon spa resort in Iceland.  Jimmy gets there and is greeted by the resort’s owner, Chuck Rondelez (Daniel Radcliffe made to look older by use of a bald cap and some belly stuffing).  Chuck is being pretty apologetic and offering Jimmy a special rate on his reservation and free upgrades to a room with a balcony because the resort is being attacked by the Sea Ram (a Loch Ness monster with horns played by Sasha Grey).  The Sea Ram pops up out of the fog and eats bathers and rams the side of the resort building.

 

Chuck tells all the guests that he has put out a bounty on the Sea Ram and that celebrity big game hunters will be arriving at Fuckblue Lagoon soon to take care of the problem.  Jimmy watches from his window as the hunters all arrive and Chuck briefs them, telling them that their reward for slaying the Sea Ram, as told by Icelandic folklore, is that they get to peer into Valhalla for a brief communication with the afterworld.  The hunters try their traps and get eaten by the Sea Ram.

 

Jimmy breaks into Chuck’s office to discover that he is benefiting from all this through an insurance policy that pays him for every person who gets eaten by the Sea Ram.  He also finds Chuck exaggerates damage done to the resort by the Sea Ram to collect even more insurance money and that whole resort is basically one big insurance scam that feeds hunters and tourists to the Sea Ram and then charges their credit cards for hotel services they didn’t use before they died.  Jimmy is impressed.

 

Jimmy decides to fake his own death by getting the Sea Ram to eat a mannequin made in his likeness in front of everybody.  Chuck then racks up a bunch of charges on Jimmy’s credit card, claiming that Jimmy had massages 30 times a day and ate beluga caviar room service non-stop.

 

Jimmy sneaks around stealthy and breaks into the room of one of the big name hunters played by Oprah Winfrey.  Jimmy lines her expensive armour with laxatives and then follows her as she goes to confront the Sea Ram and gets eaten.  He then follows the bubbling fart trail to find the Sea Ram in the fog and slays it dressed as a Viking.  Jimmy is given a brief message from the afterlife where his dead wife Zola tells him that their daughter Alicia is out there and he must recover her.

 

Jimmy enters the town square in Reykjavik dressed as a Viking and carrying the Sea Ram’s severed head and is greeted as a hero.  He exposes Chuck’s insurance scam to everybody and an investigation quickly bankrupts Chuck forcing him to sell the Fuckblue Lagoon.  Jimmy buys it, renames it Fuckback Lagoon and offers Chuck a degrading job as a maid in a silly pink uniform.  Jimmy sits in his office looking out at the lagoon where the stuffed and mounted head of the Sea Ram now serves as a decoration.  Jimmy gazes upon his trophy with a contented grin on his face and watches the sun set.  He watches a shooting star and the message from his dead wife echoes in his mind and his face turns to one of worry and we fade to black.

 

 

Traitaz 20: Daddy’s Little Traitor

 

Jimmy finds harsh solace in managing the spa resort but keeps replaying what his wife’s ghost told him about his daughter still being alive somewhere.  After staying put for several months, Jimmy starts receiving demands for child support.  Jimmy dismisses them saying that any true child of his would never be so direct as to ask for what they could steal.  Jimmy calls them “rat bastards” and jokingly sends them dead vermin in envelopes.  Most of his rat bastards are the children fathered with the bridesmaids of his ill-fated wedding, but some are from other love affairs.

 

Jimmy is preparing for the resort’s busiest season: when the Aurora Borealis natural light phenomenon can be viewed from the foggy lagoon.  Guests all start checking in to the resort and the crazy light patterns happen which enhances Jimmy’s traitorvision and he is guided by Zola’s voice.  He sees many of the guests as giant rats which twigs him to the idea that his “rat bastards” have checked in posing as guests and plan to sabotage him for revenge.  Jimmy looks at Chuck and sees that he is in league with the rat bastards and reads his mind to find it’s all part of a plan to reclaim his former resort.

 

Jimmy decides to take the head of the Sea Ram and build a mechanical Sea Ram which he can use to pick off the guests he suspects are out to get him.  He pilots the mechanical Sea Ram popping out of the fog and chomping their heads off.  Ultimately there are just so many rat bastards Jimmy ends up destroying his whole resort to eat them.  His mechanical Sea Ram’s body gets destroyed in all the mayhem and collapses on the ground where Chuck (still wearing the maid’s uniform) taunts him by dancing and doing the ‘suck-it’ motion.  Jimmy breaks the head off his mechanical Sea Ram, which is still furiously chomping and chases Chuck into Reykjavik with it held over his head. 

 

The two end up in the centre of town kicking the chomping head back and forth at each other, and every time it takes a big bite out of some building.  A crowd gathers around them.  Jimmy ultimately kills Chuck by getting the mechanical head to chomp down on Chuck’s lower half and Jimmy grabbing him by the hair and slamming his face into the crotch of the monument made in Jimmy’s likeness as slayer of the Sea Ram until Chuck’s head busts open and Jimmy is covered in blood and brains and turns around to see all the people of the village there starring disbelief.  The public assumes that the original Sea Ram was a fake too and that Jimmy’s been scamming them since the beginning. 

 

He leaves Iceland in disgrace and returns to America to discover that he is now a minority shareowner in all his Easter related enterprises as well as his profit from the Caffeine God and the Fuckbackistani gold and Fort Knox gold have all been moved to a secret location.  He asks his team of lawyers how this could happen and they tell him that in the incident of his death, power of attorney went to his next of kin.  Jimmy protests that his wife is dead and that he is not.  They remind him of when he faked his death and disappeared as part of his scam to takeover Fuckback Lagoon.  During that window his daughter, Alicia, stepped forward and took control of everything, privatized it, and used another corporation to buy up the controlling shares.  She passed a lie detector test and a genetic test and is now in control of everything.

 

A plucky four year old enters the room and tells him that he is now her dependant and that she will allot him an allowance to raise her.  She apologizes for using Facebook to connect a network of all Jimmy’s other descendants and send them against him, but she needed to buy the time to completely get control of Jimmy’s finances.  He hugs her and proclaims that she really is daddy’s little traitor!  She tears up and says she only did all this stuff to win his love and if he can put his traitorous ways behind him and be a regular dad, then she be a regular daughter.  He agrees and she says she just has to go into the boardroom and get her dolls.  She goes in and we see that she actually had a hologram machine that made the ghost of her mother, Zola, that appeared to Jimmy after he killed the Sea Ram.  She switches it off and puts it in her backpack with her dolls and comes out and takes Jimmy’s hand and they walk off together into the sunset.

 

 

 

 

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