Lady Terminator
With all this buzz about a new Terminator movie I figured
I just had to check it out and find what made Christian Bale so upset. I can see why he’s so angry, they cut all his
scenes. Lady Terminator is the
Indonesian re-Indomagining of James Cameron’s classic
cult 80s actioner.
You can tell it is done with a super high budget because the lead
actress is also the makeup department.
The film starts off with two back to back / ass to ass sex scenes, which
made me wonder if this was just one of those softcore
porno spoofs on well known movies. We
meet an ancient Goddess of The Sea who fucks men and then her vagina eats their
phalluses causing death and harsh feelings.
She finally
meets a man (this is the second sex scene) who’s phallus she does not devour
and he starts feeling all special and getting possessive and demanding so she
swears to him that she will reincarnate herself in 1000 years and murder his
great-great grand daughter. People were
pretty unreasonable back in these times, but I guess that’s because everything
was so difficult. If you wanted a piece
of jewellery for your lady you had to pay Sinbad one thousand gold talons so he
could go fight a Cyclopes for it instead of just haggling with some Danny DeVito lookalike in a cage in the back of a pawn shop like
we do today. So this type of threat was
probably just equivalent to modern day hallow threat of a law suit.
We cut to a
futuristic time, much like the possible future of 3 Fast 3 Furious: Tokyo
Drift where somebody has built a bridge from Asia to America and the
cultures have integrated. In futuristic
Indonesia there’s all these Americans strutting around and all the Indonesians
speak English to accommodate them. The
evil Sea Goddess reappears as a snake that flies up the vagina of an
archaeologist and turns her into a steely assassin she becomes The Lady
Terminator. She emerges from the sea
naked and confronts two chucklehead bikers and takes their clothes, their
balls, and their motorcycles.
I’m glad to see
that in futuristic Indonesia there’s no discrimination against the American
minorities. Not only do all the
Indonesians speak English for them, but the Americans also enjoy rapid
promotion to the top of a police force that otherwise seems all local
Indonesian. They even laugh when he says
headscratchingly baffling things like “I’ve seen
more dead bodies than you’ve eaten hot dogs, so eat up!” (please note: there is no hot dog or anything edible in the
scene where this line is delivered.
The Top Cop
quickly becomes the protector of an aspiring Pop Idol who is the great
granddaughter of that fellow with bad pillowtalk and
therefore the target of The Lady Terminator.
He tells her “Come with me if you want to live.” She does want to live and so she does come
with him (notice erotic use of italics).
Many car chases and longing gazes ensue.
All
the locals seem to know the legend of the evil Sea Goddess,
they even make theme rooms in her honour at hotels. The Lady Terminator stays in such a room and
trashes it before doing a little self-surgery on her damaged eye. The hotel staff don’t
like that she trashed the room that was decorated with paintings in her
likeness so they take their standard issue hotel security guard uzis and come after her.
Unlike the shampoo and soap in hotels, the uzis
are full-sized. I guess I kinda disagree with them on this policy. If you theme a room after a God, I think that
God has the right to trash that room the same way I feel Jesus is allowed to
take the Bible from hotels he stays in.
Even though
everybody knows the legend of the Sea Goddess, they still try to kill her with
bullets despite her obvious invulnerability to them. I admire hotel staff for piling into the
corridors with uzis to protect their hotel, but I
can’t call it sage. When the Lady
Terminator comes driving through the police station front desk near the end I
love how everybody rallies together to try and protect the police station. The cops mostly wear non-bulletproof
motorcycle helmets even though they are indoors and all carrying assault rifles
and not on motorcycles. I like that lab
techs are also allotted six shooters and chip in, but it is in vain. Maybe they should’ve tried fighting her with
chemicals?
I really love
this scene where The Lady Terminator rips the police station to shreds. There’s a great part where she comes up to
two glass doors side by side, shoots one of the doors out with her rifle, then
kicks through the other door and walks through that one. She does some inconsiderate shit such as
killing a man in the middle of a phone call and blowing a wizard’s dick off
with an assault rifle. I guess the
wizard did shoot that weird glowing cricketball into
her eye, but still, that’s harsh.
>Click Here To Watch That Scene<
What’s even
stupider is that after the Top Cop sees The Lady Terminator strut thought his
entire police station taking endless bullets in stride he still thinks that the
answer is more guns. He calls in his old
buddies from America, who I’m guessing weren’t busy acting as extras in a Walter
Hill movie at that moment, and they bring in their guns and helicopters and try
and to kill her at the airport.
They ultimately
think of maybe trying that magic dagger that the wizard said was the Sea
Goddess’s only weakeness. I probably would’ve discounted it until the
last minute too, I mean, a wizard who lets his balls get shot off like that
probably doesn’t know shit anyway, right?
I’m surprised he didn’t try using that dagger himself. But shit’s always the last place you think to
look.
Overall, I
liked this movie. I think they did a
good job of re-imagining James Cameron’s story and the lead actress did a good
job with the makeup, though maybe having a second person to help would’ve
allowed her to put some of those bullet wounds on her back. I think they also
make a bit of an improvement on Cameron’s Terminator by making the
target a rising pop star, which is more compelling than some joker who is going
to save our species way down the road. I
want my music now! I like how most of the
dialogue makes no sense and how the actors mourn the recent deaths of their
friends with such cheerful enthusiastic tones.
And I really like the stuff with the wizard’s narration at the beginning
and the end where he tells us the moral of the story is too forget about
dangerous shit but to remember not to disturb it.
If you liked this, then you’re a fucking
professional and you should check out these other related ramblings:
I don’t have much to say
except this film receives my highest possible honour.
A Robostripper
Lindsay Lohan Production
Bloody Bird: A Film About an Owl that Kills Actors with a Chainsaw
This film was also released as “Stagefright”,
“Deleria”, and “Aquarius”,
but you didn’t see it under those names either.