Spiderman 3
Okay, so as we all know, I dislike Mr. Spiderman and
his films. I don’t relate to him and
figured after two outings that I really had a feel for what he was about and when
part three came out earlier this summer I passed on seeing it with many of my
friends because I didn’t want to be there poo-pooing on a film that everybody
else was enjoying. I’m a nice guy that
way.
But then it happened.
Everybody I know and the whole internet came back with a flood of hate
for this instalment. It got me thinking:
if people who thought the first two films were good think this is bad, does
that mean it will be good to me? People
complained that there were apparently dance sequences in this one and I was
actually starting to kick myself for missing the fall of Spiderman. But I was never going to actually go out and
rent it.
I mean, there’s this movie called Zodiac. Everybody says its great. I love the director. I like detective movies set in the pre-mobile
phone pre-high tech era. Yet I have
passed on renting Zodiac every time I’ve gone to the video store for
several months now. I have no idea why I
never feel like seeing this undoubtedly worthwhile film. But I think if a day came when I went to the
video store, saw Zodiac there on the shelf, and then walked over and
rented a Spiderman sequel I would get home and go Oedipus on myself
clawing out my own eyes and howling in shame.
But I got stuck on an airplane that happened to be showing Spiderman
3, so it seems fate does have a plan, or at least those megalomaniac
marketing assholes who run movie studios have plan. Either way, I ended up seeing Spiderman 3.
I could actually not believe the film as I was
watching it. It was like somebody
responding to my criticisms of the first two films, but going overboard just to
shine me on. But I still laughed my ass
off. I thought the first two films were kinda
sparse and slow-paced. Well, this time
they’ve modelled the script on the Moscow Metro system. There’s a new plotline starting every minute,
on the minute. I think each of the first
forty minutes of this film are like mini movies that have nothing to do with
each other.
I actually thought they might have replaced the directed
with one of these artsy types who makes overloaded compound tragedy epics like Magnolia,
Considering this movie was obviously already way
overstuffed, I liked that they still paid homage to the classic plot-filler
devices of more sparse films. Not only
do they throw in a pointless romantic misunderstanding, but they actually go as
far as to give you an amnesia plotline. That’s
right, memory loss, it’s done wonders for daytime soap operas and now you get
to see it on the big screen.
But the romantic problems are definitely my favourite
portion of this film. Spiderman decides
that it would be a pretty good idea to make out with a way better looking chick
in front of his homely girlfriend and a whole crowd of people. I think we’ve all been there. You go for a big gesture to impress your lady
and she just misunderstands your intentions.
Spiderman’s girlfriend doesn’t seem like the kind of chick who really
values romance. She would probably even
fail to appreciate the classic sure-fire Valentine’s Day standards such as
leaving your smut films in the DVD player or glancing down her friends’ shirts
at parties.
There’s also a part where Spiderman is planning on
proposing the institution of marriage to his girlfriend so he takes her to a
snooty French restaurant. I guess
because he’s Spiderman that makes him a celebrity and he doesn’t have to
pretend to be Abe Froman, “The Sausage King of
Spiderman works out some complicated hand signal
system with the staff so that they can bring the ring over and play music at
the right moment to surprise his girlfriend.
This goes horribly awry and the waiters all end up bumbling and tripping
over each other while Spiderman waves his arms.
I was surprised that the waiters were played by actual actors seeing as
they usually use computer animation anytime somebody has to move in these movies. The actor who played Spiderman, Tobey
Maguire, even seemed to use his actual hands for waving at the restaurant
staff. Or maybe those animators just did
a really good job animating his arms.
But my favourite part in the movie is when Spiderman’s
girlfriend is sad about how she lost a gig on Broadway and Spiderman tries to
relate to her problems and she just explodes and screams a bunch of random
nonsense like “This isn’t all about you!”
I couldn’t believe this scene! I
mean, in real life women’s hormones make them do nutty unpredictable moody shit
like this all the time, but never in the movies. Part of the entertaining fantasy of movies is
that PMS does not exist and that when women get angry with men it’s actually
because of something the man’s done. So
I guess this a landmark in terms of realist cinema, except for all the stuff
involving hoverboards, magic space semen, magic spider powers, superstrength,
and everything else.
The most troubling portion of this film is when the
space semen infects Spiderman and turns him “evil”. My problem is that when Spiderman is supposed
to be “evil” it is the first time I actually relate to him as hero. He finally seems to figure out that since he
does not work for the police and runs around in alleys in a goofy spandex suit
that he is, in fact, a vigilante and begins acting as such. He finally starts just beating people up and
getting sassier.
There’s a part where Goblinman’s son comes after him
for revenge by throwing a grenade at Spiderman’s head but Spiderman whips it
back at him. Good fucking job! It’s about fucking time! But the filmmakers make that seem harsh and
Spiderman later regrets it. In my
opinion this is pretty far from “evil”, in fact, I’m pretty sure it would hold
up in court as self-defense. But I guess
that’s why I don’t relate to Spiderman.
He’s sort of a gymnast Jesus type of action hero and not a Mad Max type
guy like I prefer.
During his “evil” period he also finally tells
Goblinman’s son to quit whining about his dead dad because his dad was a
murderous asshole who dressed like a goblin and hated him. This also cleared up a lot for me. All through the second film this guy kept
whining and grieving and I actually doubted whether I remembered the first film
correctly.
There was even a part in the second film when Spiderman
threw himself a birthday party and Goblinman’s son showed up and acted like a
big stick in the mud. I’m pretty sure I
would’ve pulled him aside and said something like “Look, your dad was fucking
freak and if you don’t shut the fuck up you’re not coming to Chucky Cheese with
the rest of us!” But again, Spiderman’s
not like that, he’s more of a pacifist action hero who doesn’t fight so much as
he does catch falling people and stuff.
They even make a big point of Goblinman’s son finding
out that technically Spiderman didn’t kill Goblinman. Spiderman moved out of the way strategically
so that Goblinman would run into a spike.
What’s even stupider is that it’s this piece of evidence that compels
Goblinman’s son to forgive Spiderman, not the realization that his father
dressed like a leprechaun and flew around killing innocent people and maybe
needed to die to protect that whole society thing.
But that’s okay.
Overall, this is definitely a great film in terms of its dissection of
modern romance. Way better than Chasing
Amy, at least. The dance numbers
were pretty good and I don’t think they played any Nickelback this time, so
this series is clearly on the road to recovery.
I hope the next film revolves more around Bryce Dallas Howard’s
character who happens to be the police chief’s daughter, a cheminstry genius,
Spiderman’s lab partner, and a rising fashion model who also happens to be
modelling in a building that crumbles and she gets saved by Spiderman. I think her superpower is either plot
contrivance or absurd coincidence or perfectly formed breasts in a conservative
but fitted turtleneck. I’m not sure
which, but would like to see the next film examine this.
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