I Was a Teenage Polish Existentialist: The Writing of Dorota Maslowska

I recently read this book called Snow White and Russian Red, it’s an existential stream of consciousness novel about a bunch of crackheads in Warsaw and was written by a teenage Polish girl named Dorota Maslowksa. Maslowska is well ahead of her game for her age. There’s a reason most teenagers don’t get book deals and it’s because they don’t usually have all that much to say. But my theory is that this Dorota Maslowska chick is James Joyce reincarnated, seeing as this book is like Ulysses both literally and stylistically on crack. If the phrase “Ulysses on crack” didn’t make you stop reading this then maybe this is the book for you.

It makes sense that James Joyce would want to be reincarnated as a Polish girl. A lot of people wonder how the other half lives, but aside from the gender swap Poland seems like a natural fit for an Irishman looking to try something a little bit different but a lot the same. They’re both Catholic countries with shitty weather who are dominated by stronger neighbouring nations. I you ask me Poland has to deal with harsher shit, but Irish people would win in a fistfight.

This book centres around a crackhead named “Nails”. The name doesn’t suit him because he’s neither terribly sharp nor hard although he is frequently hammered, but I doubt Ms. Maslowska intended that meaning because I don’t think the expression “hammered” is the same in Polish.

Nails is sort of a cross between the Mark Renton character in Irvine Welsh’s Trainspotting and the Ewan McGregor character in Danny Boyle’s Trainspotting. Nails is a big time loser who stumbles around in a haze and puts up with all sorts of shit in his deluded quest for love, independence and peace. Maslowska does a pretty good job writing a character of the opposite gender. Usually when somebody attempts this you end up with something like that movie Bandidas, which was obviously written by a guy.

The whole novel is told in a stream of consciousness that really helps you feel like you’re on crack with Nails. Ideas become manifestations in various forms, slogans and bits of thoughts float along in the psychological stream of associative narration. One of the book’s stronger motifs is the constant reference to a Russian invasion that is either figurative or actual, and if you flip through any history of Poland the pages basically alternate between the two with those German assholes occasionally showing up with their well-engineered cars and even better engineered cruelty.

This book is also illustrated, but don’t go thinking that it’s like an instruction manual where it makes no fucking sense until you hit a diagram and realize that all they’ve been talking about is plugging a cord into a jack. Oh no. The drawings are only more abstract than the text.

Then near the end Dorota starts inserting herself into the book as a character and writing about herself in the third person. This is usually a sign that an author is slipping mentally and frequently happens later in their career, but she was a teenager writing her first novel and she’s already having trouble with fantasy and reality. Michal Viewegh did this with his novel Brining Up Girls in Bohemia, but that novel was pretty straightforward haute smut. It was like an apathetic slacker Lolita, so he’s fine. I think he was just restless and horny and that’s why he wrote that.

However Bret Easton Ellis’s latest offering, Lunar Park, is probably a good example of this trend of self fictionalization and its connection to an author’s breakdown. It’s pretty wacky that considering Ellis has written endless books about serial killers and doing crack that his novel about himself living in the suburbs is his most fucked up. I think he just wanted to write a novel that couldn’t be turned into a movie and that’s why it’s got stuff like a six-foot budgie exploding out of the anus of a regular-sized dog and there’s a part near the end where he hires the Ghostbusters because a giant hairball attacked him. Maybe Maslowska was going for the same thing, because up until when the existential meltdown begins three quarters of the way through Snow White and Russian Red could’ve been turned into some shitty movie. I’m sure either Zooey Deschannel or Maggie Gyllenhal would’ve signed on script unseen. Once the imagery gets off the chain there’s no turning back. Fuck those adapters, Dorota! You go girl!

I’m sure a lot of the imagery and dialogue has meaning to people in Warsaw and there’s probably more playing on words in the Polish original. I read it in translation, but I must say that translator communicated a very distinct voice that made this novel memorable. I’m currently exploring translation options for my book. Thankfully it’s just a bunch of zombie heads exploding and two girls running around saying “Oh shit!” and “Holy shit!” and stuff like “Oh fuck, zombies!” but I can’t imagine trying to communicate with such a distinct narrative voice as Maslowska.

Bret Easton Ellis claims that Lunar Park will be his last novel because now that he’s used himself as a character he’s got nothing left to explore. The crazy post-modern self-examination didn’t tucker Maslowska out. Just reading her first book left me fucked up, so I assumed her brain just exploded as soon as she finished writing it. But no, she has a second novel out now called Puke of the Queen, which I have yet to read because it hasn’t been translated in Esperanto yet. No translation has been announced because of disappointing sales of her first novel outside of Poland.

It seems Dorota’s not burned out, she’s on fire! I look forward to reading her next novel and if you always wanted to read a book about existentialist Warsaw crackheads then pick up Snow White and Russian Red. Or maybe you are an existentialist Warsaw crackhead and would like to see how your kind are portrayed in literature, then give it a read and let me know how accurate it was. And if while you were reading this and thought that when I mentioned that movie Bandidas you wished I’d just reviewed that instead, then you can just fuck off! Reading is good you dumbshits. Seriously. You’re doing it right now, see, it’s not so hard.

If Maslowska is also a crackhead, like her characters, she should think about writing chicklit. That bullshit sells well enough to buy her all the crack in the world. It seems more people can relate to wealthy attractive successful independent charming funny big city socialites than crackheads like Nails. I have no idea why. Personally, I hope she writes a kids’ book.

If you liked this, here are some other recommended articles:

I Know Who Killed Me

A Robostripper Lindsay Lohan Production

Danica Fuckin’ Patrick: Crossing the Motherfuckin’ Line

Danica, you’ve won the checkered flag of my heart.

Cosmopolitan: America’s Finest Monthly Publication

It’s taken me some time, but I feel I’ve formulated my thoughts as to why Cosmo is king.