Skunk Farm Skanks

The film opens with a long wordless sequence. We see early morning in the countryside with the sun just starting to rise and a bunch of Harry Dean Stanton type farmer guys getting out of their beds on their respective farms. We see them quietly go downstairs and going through their morning routines and each one at one point looks around to see if their wives are awake and then goes back downstairs and sneaks a peak through binoculars. We then see what they are all looking at: it’s the skunk farm gals, played by Elisha Cutherbert, Jordana Brewster, Shannon Elizabeth, and Rachel Nicols (that chick from P2, apparently she has a name).

We see the skunk farm gals all springing about and doing their farming. Their farming will be done all Zhang Yimou style where the gals exhibit endless grace and agility in feeding grain to the skunks, herding the skunks, cleaning the troughs, etc. They do all sorts of flips and cartwheels and stuff that’s completely unnecessary but shows off their level of physical fitness. But they all look really sexy too. They wear really revealing outfits and get all sweaty in that sexy way, but maintain very stern facial expressions that denote discipline.

We cut back to the odd farmer guy getting caught by his wife (always some Cathy Bates type) while he’s engage in voyeurism oogling the skunk farm gals. The guys will always kinda pretend like they weren’t looking over at the neighbouring skunk farm or they’ll clumsily fumble the binoculars away into a drawer looking all guilty. But the wives won’t say anything about it, they’ll just glare disapprovingly.

The opening farming sequence comes to a close when we cut to the farmer’s market where the gals have their little cart set up selling skunkmeat hotdogs, finely embroidered skunkskin jackets, and various products made out of skunk fur. They play with baby skunks and sell their goods and we get more shots that show how the farmer men all drool over these chicks and their wives are jealous of the attention they attract. The town sheriff (Scott Adkins) and his two deputies come by the gals’ cart and get them to show them a bunch of merchandise, but it’s just so they can look down the gals’ shirts while they get stuff out for them. The cops don’t buy anything.

When they drive their pickup truck back to the skunk farm they see Brittany Murphy dressed all skanky and looking sullen and waiting on their doorstep. They all leap out of the truck pulling out Ninja Turtle type weapons such as sais, daggers, nunchucks and Brittany leaps back in fear. The gals all fire questions at her like who sent her, and what she wants. Brittany gets all flustered and panics in reaction to their assertiveness but eventually spits it out:

“I heard this farm was a place where a girl could go if she wanted to get off the street.”

Rachel fires back “This ain’t no goddamn woman’s shelter.”

Brittany begs “You guys can’t help me? Please, I can’t take no more pimp’s beatings or nights workin’ a corner. You can’t give me protection er nuthin’?”

Elisha coldly states “What we offer here is a way of life, if you’re willing to work for it. Nothing more.”

Brittany hesitantly asks “Well, what do I gotta do?”

Jordana says “You wake up at dawn, one hour of flexibility training, meditation, then it’s on to daily chores, feeding the skunks, cleaning their pens, milking them, bottling the skunk milk, slaughterhouse duty, then into the farmer’s market, then back here for combat training, the afternoon skunk herding, fine stitching of leathergoods, evening feedings of the skunks, weight training, and meditation gets you back into bed by ten p.m.”

Brittany looks kinda defeated “Shit, I got mono, I can’t do all that stuff. Ain’t there sumthin I could do? You girls can’t send me back to the city. My pimp’ll kill my ass.” And she starts sobbing.

Elisha takes pity on her and says “You have no place here with us. But go up to Jack Hollingbrooke’s (played by Nick Nolte) farm, you’ll be doing the kind of work you’re used to, but he’ll treat you well.”

Brittany expresses gratitude and trots off. We then get a shot of Hollingbrooke opening his door and her looking all sexy at his doorstep and a big grin spreading across his face. We then get a long shot of the whole farming community at night hearing the loud sounds of Hollingbrooke and Brittany shagging over on his farm.

The next morning we get a more streamlined montage of the morning routine ending with the meditation. Then Elisha gets up, goes over to a jewellery box and takes out a necklace with a gold skunk medallion and puts it on Rachel’s neck and says it’s so she won’t forget her time on the farm. Rachel says she never will, but that she now is ready to move on and move back to Canada and restart her life the way it was before she came to Hollywood to become an actress and ended up a hooker. The four of them pile in the pickup truck and drive through the farmer’s market and the farmers all look surprised that the gals aren’t stopping to set up their cart, expect for Hollingbrooke who’s too busy making out with Brittany Murphy at his corn stand.

The gals keep driving into the city and to the airport, where they hug Rachel goodbye and she takes her bags over to the check-in counter. The guy working at the airline check-in counter is played by Paul Dano, who checks in her in and is making chit-chat about the weather. He looks around to see nobody’s looking flashes a grin showing that he has gold teeth with the word ‘pimpin’ engraved in the upper teeth. He does a spin kick and knocks her onto the baggage conveyor belt which quickly flushes her to a secluded baggage handling location, and he jumps in after her. He pulls of his airline employee outfit to reveal a pimp outfit and the two have an extended martial arts fight. Rachel is winning until two more pimps burst in with machetes. She’s gets hold of one of the machetes and kills the two guys with machetes when Paul Dano whips a ninja star right into her throat and she dies. Dano looks around, picks up one of the machetes, looks at Rachel’s dead body and says “No one quits the street.”

The next shot is Dano strutting arrogantly through the airport pulling a small piece of baggage behind him and whistling. He gets into a cheetah pattern Cadillac and tells his chauffeur to drive. They drive back into the city, Dano pops out of the Cadillac with the little luggage and struts into a big building still whistling as he ultimately enters a giant boardroom where there’s a big plaque identifying it as The United League of Pimps. There’s a big circular table around which are gathered various pimps played by Rade Serbejiha, Snoop Dogg, Elton John, Michael Jai White, Vanessa Redgrave, and Enrique Iglesias. Dano jumps up onto the table clicking his heals and opens the little piece of luggage and pulls out Rachel’s head and they all applaud.

They discuss that the time is now, since the skunkfarm girls are down to three, a successful siege on their farm can now be mounted. They reiterate that killing them will restore the precedent that nobody quits the hooking life without a pimp’s okay and set an example for their working girls.

We then cut back to the gals returning to the farm unaware of Rachel’s demise at the airport. They begin doing their evening work. Shannon tells Elisha that she thought she’d take in Brittany to replace Rachel to which Elisha replies that no one will ever replace Rachel and that they must maintain their standards of never helping some one until they’re ready to help themselves. The sun begins to set and we get more noises of Hollingbrooke and Brittany screwing like rabbits.

The next day we see the pimps all getting dressed in their big fluffy fur coats, boas, and selecting pimpstaffs that also function as weapons such as having little blades in them or that function as muskets. They start loading up their weapons into their pimpmobiles and rallying their hookers telling them that the skunk farm gals are traitors and snobs who abandoned their sisters of the street. A big convoy of pimpmobiles gets rolling out of the city in a Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior type scene of Lord Humongous’s convoy.

They all roll up on the skunk farm while the gals are tending to the skunk pens. They hear the rumbling of all the hydraulic jumping of the Cadillacs and look out the window and see all the pimps and hos lined up around the farm property. Elisha tells Jordana to call the sheriff’s office, and Jordana does. Then they all move to their battle stations which are turrets in their main home, there they arm themselves with shields and assault rifles. Waves of hookers storm the farm whipping switchblades and ninja stars that the house while the gals mow them down with their assault rifles. One hooker uses her dying breath to whip her stiletto heal through the air and it pierces Shannon’s calf muscle causing her to limp a bit the rest of the movie.

The hookers are all dead in bloody piles all over the farm. The sun goes down and the pimps start making stealthy attacks to infiltrate the skunk farm. We get a series of fights around the skunk farm complex where our gals fight the pimps using farming equipment as makeshift weapons resulting in all sorts of grisly deaths.

We see Enrique Iglesias gets kicked into the grinder and come out as a link of sausages. We see Elton John bust out a pimp staff that has a little pick the comes out of the end when he presses a button, like the ones convicts use to pick up garbage only ruby-encrusted. Elton’s pimp staff gets taken away from him and shoved up his ass by Shannon who then presses the button and he vomits up blood and dies. Jordana impales Vanessa Redgrave on a meat hook and then pulls it over the skunk pen and skunks all start spraying her until her flesh melts off her bones. Elisha beats Paul Dano into the rabid skunk quarantine where skunks eat him alive like piranhas (of course the door has to be glass so that Elisha can watch calmly as the rabid skunks tear him apart). Rade gets beaten into a skunkmilk processor and neatly bottled into six little bottles. Michael Jai White reveals that his pimp coat contains hundreds of concealed weapons and all three girls take him on together in the meditation chamber (this will be a fight scene similar to the climactic Buddha battle against Eric Roberts in DOA: Dead or Alive). Michael Jai White’s pimp staff is a blow torch, his brass knuckles contain retractable switchblades, and he’s got oodles of throwing stars and daggers but they ultimately beat him to death.

The three girls stumble outside, exhausted from fighting when Snoop Dogg comes up over the horizon being carried on a portable throne like Xeres in that movie 300, only Snoop’s throne is carried by hookers. His portable throne has a bunch of hatches that open up and start firing missiles. He fires a bunch of missiles destroying other farms as a demonstration of his battle station, then commands his hookers to turn his throne to face the gals and we get a Sergio Leone staredown for a moment until the mayhem starts.

A missile impales Shannon and keeps flying right into their home which then explodes. Now only Elisha and Jordana are left alive to protect the skunk barn located behind their residence. They do all sorts of flips and cartwheels to evade the missiles as they work their way towards the giant throne run up it and choke Snoops with his own pimp chain. Then Elisha delivers a cold monologue shaming the hookers who were carrying his throne and telling them they’re free and to honour that freedom and the hookers wander off.

Elisha and Jordana run over to a neighbouring farm where one of the Harry Dean Stanton farmer guys who was oogling them earlier comes out and tells them to come in and he’ll help them with their wounds. They go in and he tells them to sit down while he runs out to his barn to get his first aid kit. Then his Cathy Bates type wife comes in and starts blaming them for all the mayhem. Bates pulls a shotgun on them and she goes on to say that the pimps who invaded their skunk farm are no worse than they are for invading their country community and filling their husbands with lust.

Harry Dean Stanton comes back with the first aid kit but Cathy Bates points the shotgun at him and tells him to put it down and stand back because she’s going to blow his little voyeuristic entertainment away. Bates aims the shotgun back at Elisha and Jordana and is about to pull the trigger when her head gets blown off and we see Brittany Murphy standing behind her with a rifle. Murphy makes a statement that she realized it was time she get off her back and learn to do something with her life.

The three go out on to the veranda and are tending to their wounds and surveying the flaming wreckage and dead hookers all over their property. Elisha asks “What do you see?”

Jordana replies “Lots of burnt out Cadillacs.”

“What cars don’t you see?”

“There’s no cop cars.”

“They never came.”

They exchange a knowing glance and we cut to the inside of the small rural community’s sheriff’s office where we see the sheriff and his two deputies counting a big bride and trying on pimp jewellery and estimating its value while one of them gets a blow job from a hooker in the corner. They all laugh about how not responding to one call paid better than taking one ever did.

Skunks start flying through the windows and spraying stink everywhere like tear gas and we cut to the outside of the sheriff’s office and see Elisha, Jordana, and Brittany all using slingshots to fire the skunks into the building. The three cops all stumble out coughing and we get three gritty one-on-one fights like the one on the lawn at the end of Lethal Weapon. Elisha and Jordana beat their cops first and stand around watching as Brittany takes out the one she’s fighting until she beats him. He falls to the ground dead.

They take a long pause and then Brittany asks “What do we do now?”

Elisha answers “Sun’s coming up, we get farming.”

Jordana asks “The whole community’s gone. Who are we farming for?”

Elisha answers “Ourselves. Like always.”

Cut to a shot of Elisha, Jordana, and Brittany all meditating on a mountain top with inspirational music playing and the credits roll up.

If you liked this, here are some other recommended writings:

Wolf Pope

My attempt at writing a religious action movie like Constantine.

This is not a story about if I were the Pope.

Onyx & Ivory

This is my attempt at writing an adventure fantasy movie.

Facebook: The Murderation of Bloodified Killenings

Treatment for my horror movie based on the Facebook phenomenon.