My Ideal Steven
Seagal Picture
Back
in the fall I interviewed Mr. Vern, the world’s leading Seagalogist
and author of Seagalogy, an academic textbook on the
subject of Steven Seagal’s films. While writing the intro and extro for the interview I discussed an idea I had for an
original Steven Seagal video game. The idea never really left the back of my
mind as I pursued the study of Seagal films using
Vern’s book as my guide. I’ve now seen a
fair amount of Seagal films and have taken my idea
and worked it back into a full movie.
I
used Vern’s book to help me write something that had all of the elements of a
true Seagal film:
Ø The philosophical and spiritual
overtones.
Ø The use of said philosophy and
spirituality as a coy smartassed taunt against
threats.
Ø The smashing of glass.
Ø The sampling of other cultures
into an American action feature.
Ø The lead character having a
shady ex-CIA background.
Ø The use of Seagal’s
musical abilities.
Ø Lots of people getting fucked
up.
So
here it is, hope you enjoy.
The
film opens with a long montage of Jack Hawk (Steven Seagal)
working in a glass factory. We get all
sorts of wind flute music accompanying the visuals of Hawk putting meticulous
care into making a glass figurine of a dragon.
We then move back to show a little boy named Max watching him with interest. Seagal notices Max
and invites him over to his workstation and hands him the glass dragon and Max
holds it in his hands in great awe.
Hawk says “This
is a lesson in how we must strive to be.
Man must strive to become a glass dragon, his intentions transparent and
his strength is his weakness.” (this statement is
accompanied by a flute noise)
Then a big
hillbilly named Chuck (played by some WWE wrestler like Steve Austen) who just
wears overalls and a trucker hat calls to Max “Max! Get over here son, you
stay away from old Jack Hawk. He ain’t our kind.”
Chuck then turns his attention to Hawk and starts insulting him in lame
obvious ways like saying he should change his last name to Off. All the other glass factory workers have
rallied around Chuck and laugh hysterically at his insults and make menacing
gestures at Hawk. Hawk retorts in
typical Seagalian awkward smartassedness
“Chuck, before I found inner-peace, I did ugly things that I thought
protected our nation’s freedom, but you’re uglier, and beating you wouldn’t be
something I’d want hidden in some classified file somewhere. I would advise you not to direct my spiritual
journey against thee.”
Chuck swings a
punch at Hawk, but Hawk dodges and Chuck’s fist goes into the hot liquid glass
and he shrieks and pulls it out. All the
other factory workers move in to attack Hawk but then out of the office on an
above platform enters a well dressed Mr. Pettigrew (C.
Thomas Howell), the owner of the glass factory and tells everybody to break it
up and go home. Hawk goes outside to
find the loving embrace of his native Indian girlfriend River Broadfoot (probably played by Tia Carrere) and all the
other factory workers sneer at them, especially Chuck who has bandaged his
hand.
We then see
Hawk and River take off into the Arizona desert on his Harley motorcycle and
get the title:
The
Smash Menagerie
We see Hawk
ride up to a native Indian reservation where he is greeted with enthusiasm by
the children and Hawk nods respectfully to the elders.
We cut to nighttime
and Hawk is amusing everybody around the campfire by playing his glass
flute. One of the elders thanks him for
his playing and Hawk returns the gratitude with an expository monologue:
“Before
I came here I was haunted by things I had done for what I believed to be
national security. But it was not my
nation, it was yours, and you taught me that true security comes from
within. I used to drink because I had
lost all sense of soul and humanity.
When you all took me in it was a second chance. I felt my spirit begin to grow anew like a
lotus blossom trapped in a cave that had suddenly been graced with exposure to
sunshine by the simple shifting of Mother Earth.”
Then some shots of Hawk and River sleeping peacefully
in their wigwam and some nature shots of owls and the sun coming up. The next day
at the factory we get a scene of Mr. Pettigrew in his ornate office (think Ben
Horn’s office from Twin Peaks) where he is scolding Chuck and his inner
posse for menacing Jack Hawk and telling them that Hawk’s glass art sculptures
are valuable to the company and they are not to disturb him. Chuck and his little buddies go back to work
on the assembly line making boring glass things like windows and when Hawk
rolls in they all sneer at him and grumble as he goes to his work station and
makes a beautiful glass panda bear.
Pettigrew comes
up to Hawk’s workstation and asks him about ‘the special project’. Hawk lifts up a tarp and reveals a giant
glass unicorn. Pettigrew compliments him
on its exquisite beauty and asks if he would like to present it to the town
mayor himself at the ceremony to be held that night. Hawk accepts saying “I feel this would be
a worthy destination and accept with humility”. The other workers grumble in envy at Hawk’s
skill.
We cut to later
that night at City Hall where the mayor, Joe Sturgeon (played by Gary Busey), makes a big speech about how the town’s glass
factory is so vital and how important this glass unicorn is as a decoration and
a symbol in City Hall and thanks Hawk.
The crowd claps and we cut to a reception later where everybody is
mingling. Hawk and River are dancing and
Mayor Sturgeon comes over to personally thank Hawk and River excuses herself to
go for a smoke. River goes outside to
the Harley to get the cigarettes when Chuck and bunch of other factory guys
attack her. She fends them off a bit and
then makes a run for it and they chase her.
They chase her along the edge of a canyon and one of the little guys
tries to tackle her but ends up knocking her into the canyon.
Hawk hears the
screech and goes outside and goes looking for her. He sees Chuck and the others all hop in their
pickup trucks and drive off. Hawk goes
over to the edge of the canyon and looks down and sees River. We then cut to Hawk mourning in his tipi and
one of the elders trying to console him.
In the next
scene we then see Pettigrew, Mayor Sturgeon, and Sheriff Diggs (played by
Dwight Yokam) in the mayor’s office. Diggs is saying that more than half of the
glass factory’s labour staff were probably there
attacking River and the other half are covering for them. Pettigrew gets all pissy
and says that Diggs can’t arrest his whole factory, it
will put him out of business. Sturgeon
agrees that it would sink the town to put the glass factory staff on trial and
there’s only one thing they can do.
The cops pick
up Hawk saying they want to ask him some questions and lead him into a cell and
then lock the door behind him and tell that they’re actually just going to
charge him with the murder of River Broadfoot! Hawk explodes and starts crying and there’s
some Charles Manson type drooling maniac in the cell across from his who just
keeps babbling Manson type nonsense while Jack bangs his head against the wall
and whimpers for Buddha to give him strength.
We cut to a few
hours later and that Manson guy is still babbling and a guard comes back to
check and doesn’t see Hawk in his cell.
Hawk emerges from behind him chokes him with his own nightstick, shoves
a doughnut in the cop’s mouth, and pours scalding coffee on his crotch and
handcuffs him to the cell bars. The
Manson guy asks Hawk to free him and Hawk backfists
him in the face through the bars and the Manson guy is knocked out face first
into his own toilet.
Hawk heads out
into the office area of the police station and hears a page over the police
walkie-talkie saying that they’re going to break the news to the native
reservation that Jack Hawk has been arrested for River’s murder and requesting
all backup because they know Hawk is a hero to those people and the cops are
planning just to bust the heads of anybody who starts asking questions or
threatening them. Hawk picks up the
walkie-talkie and says “10-4, I’m on my way.” And opens the cabinet and
takes out a bunch of shotguns, grabs the keys off the desk, and gets into the
cop car out front.
We then see
Sheriff Diggs and some deputies in hostile verbal confrontation with the native
community who don’t believe that Jack could do such a thing. One of the deputies sees the cop car approaching
in the distance and says “Cletus is coming, good, we’re going to need the
backup. Let’s bust some heads.” The cops pull out their nightsticks but
Hawk blows one of their arms off with the shotgun and they all look back and
see Hawk standing beside the cop car with the smoking shotgun. We then get a shootout between Hawk and the
cops in the native village, with some of the natives helping choke the odd the
cop.
Hawk eventually
hunts Sheriff Diggs to the same canyon edge where River died and holds him over
the edge. Diggs says “Buddha says we
are all to be reunited in the red circle, but I’ll see you in hell.” and
throws him over the edge. Hawk walks
back to the village and begs forgiveness from the tribe elders and they tell
him he loved River with all his heart, and has nothing to feel sorry about,
least of all, what they know he must now do. (accented
by mystic flute noise)
Hawk then shows
up at the glass factory and starts fighting all the factory workers. Hawk keeps kicking them through the new
sheets of glass as they come off the assembly line until the ground is covered
in broken glass and broken men. He
squares off with Chuck and blows a bubble of glass around Chuck’s head, then
pops the bubble and the scalding liquid glass covers his face and is melting
his face when Hawk kicks him in the balls and throws him into a cauldron of
boiling liquid glass.
Hawk makes his
way up to Pettigrew’s office and flips through his agenda and sees that he’s at
City Hall having lunch with the mayor.
Hawk walks across all the broken glass and beaten up factory workers and
before he leaves he turns and looks at them all lying on the floor and says “That
which is excreted without enlightenment or purpose, is thee.” (accented by mystic flute noise)
He goes to City
Hall and fights both Pettigrew and Mayor Sturgeon and ends up killing them
both. First he impales Mayor Sturgeon on
the horn of the glass unicorn, then Hawk grabs the
legs of the glass unicorn and breaks off the back half of the unicorn sculpture
and beats Pettigrew to death the glass unicorn’s ass end.
He then lies
down in a pool of blood and says to himself “Confucius grant me the wisdom
to mourn with purpose.”
We get a scene
where Hawk drives by Chuck’s house and gives the little glass dragon to Chuck’s
son Max and Max’s mother kinda nods like she knows
her husband Chuck deserved what he got.
Then the next
shot is Hawk playing his glass flute at River’s grave, which is adorned by a
headstone that is a scale glass sculpture of River that he has obviously made
himself. A tribe elder puts his hand on
Hawk’s shoulder and the two walk off.
Fade to black. (accented by mystic flute noise)
If you liked this, here are some other recommended
articles:
Vern’s Book On Steven Seagal is this Christmas’s
Tickle-Me-Elmo
I score a rare interview
with the author of Seagalogy!
My attempt at writing a Mark Wahlberg
movie.
It was either this or The
Passion of the Christ. So here’s your Easter-themed movie review!