Sadisfation

So I’ve decided to do my own type of Ultraviolet or V for Vendetta type futuristic anti-fascist urban samurai flick. I think the result truly honours my respect for Russ Meyer as one of my favourite filmmakers and a genre of film I love that includes such classics as The Matrix and Star Wars. Obviously we’re not at a point where a high budget action porno summer blockbuster would get made, but this is also a story about the power of a dream for a more liberated society, so it seems fitting. Enjoy.

The film starts off in a highly secure vault in which we see the walls are nothing but long shelves with mason jars arranged end to end containing testicles. Each jar has a name on a little label. The vault is guarded by some totally fascist looking guards with all the Nazi clichés of long black leather trench coats with big shoulder pads holding aggressive assault rifles. The vault gets infiltrated by Desmondio (played by Christopher Lambert dressed like Fabio) and his pack of buxom ninjas (played by Lucy Pinder, Keeley Hazell, Sophie Howard and Abi Titmuss). The fascist guards keep attacking but the ninjas use their sexiness to defeat them. We see stuff like Keeley whipping up her shirt and flashing the ninjas and a force wave shooting out of her chest and rippling through the air and knocking the guards off their feet. We also get the ninjas wrestling the guards in all sorts of sexual positions, stuff like them choking them between their thighs and the such. The ninjas are all taking care of the guards while Desmondio browses through the jars of testicles sticking little plastic explosives to the occasional one until he finds one jar marked “Marky”, he takes that jar and tucks it into his cape. One of the guards pulls an alarm and all sorts of bells go off and we see Commander Falk (Ed Harris) wake from his bed and quickly get dressed and dash down to the entrance of the vault.

At the entrance to the vault a whole SWAT team of guards is assembled and they salute Commander Falk who grabs an uzi from one guard and barks at them to follow him and struts into the vault. Falk’s little posse of guards quickly get dispatched by the ninjas, but Falk starts firing at the ninja girls and they take cover. Falk sees Desmondio running off and starts chasing him through the vault, but then Abi Titmuss trips him with a swift kick and he falls to the ground holding his foot in pain and looks up to see Desmondio with the ninja girls all around him. Falk shouts “I’ll get you Desmondio!” to which Desmondio replies “You don’t have the balls!” and clicks a detonator which explodes a bunch of the mason jars sending a flood of water and testicles washing all over the vault floor and all over Falk. Desmondio and the girls escape through a hole in the wall made by the explosion.

We then cut to Commander Falk entering the throne room where Grand Ruler Harden (Tilda Swinton) is waiting for him. He explains that there was an attack on the vault, but not much stock appears to be missing and the men are sorting it out. Harden expresses disappointment. Falk sits down and takes off his boot and starts rubbing the sore spot where Abi Titmuss kicked him and we see Harden starring longingly at his bare foot and licking her lips before regaining her composure and telling him that such failures will not tolerated much longer and that outsiders must not penetrate the city’s sacred chastity, and when they do, they must be trialed and punished as rapists of moral society.

We then cut to a totally different scene the next day in a high school class. We see the high school students played by thirty year old actors as always, living and studying in the repressive futuristic dystopia that is the setting for this film. The students we focus on are Marky (played by Hayden Christiansen), Willow (played by Jessica Alba) and Lance (played by Lance Bass). They are all in class, which is an imposing sterile environment that has the word ‘Abstinence’ in giant letters across the wall. They are listening to their teacher Mrs. Willcocks (played by Shelly Duvall) tell them all about how they are now 18 and social debutants and can now legally participate in the New Year’s Eve celebration, the one night of the year when public displays of affection are not a crime and you can legally engage in sustained intense eye contact and actually pat somebody else on the shoulder. Mrs. Willcocks warns them if they push the lenience on New Year’s Eve too far by doing things such as hugging they will be trialed as adults and punished.

Class lets out and Marky, Willow, and Lance all walk around in the courtyard talking about New Year’s Eve and we get to see more shots of this repressive society and the conservative clothes that people wear and the ads posted on the walls advertising moral virtues. Lance says he heard rumours of an attack on the Testicle Vault the night before, but nobody knows who did it. Willow expresses offense at the act, calling it terrorism and saying it’s probably some heathen who just couldn’t muster the discipline to wait for the government to give him his balls back and she hopes that he was punished.

Willow heads off home and Lance comments on how she’s a little too much of true believer but when Marky doesn’t respond right away Lance looks scared like he said too much and kinda takes his words back. Marky tells Lance it’s okay, that he’s not going to rat him out and they both laugh and Lance kinda ends up starring at Marky with affection in his eyes and then catches himself and makes some excuse and walks off.

Marky heads home and finds his parents (played by Everett McGill and Kelly Preston) are very sad. They tell him that they may not be able to make him a little brother like they promised. Marky gets kinda pissed and doesn’t understand saying that his father filled out all the correct forms. The sad father explains that he was contacted by a government official and it’s because there was some problem in the Testicle Vault last night and so the government won’t be able to loan him back his balls for the originally scheduled weekend, but he still has approval to mate and once they sort out what happened in the vault they’ll get his balls to him. The mom gives an encouraging “It’s okay honey, we’ve waited this long, what’s a few more weeks?” To which the father expresses frustration having set up their bed room with the affection screen (a giant opaque screen with a hole in it at crotch height and markings saying which side the man stands on and which side the woman stands on). Marky goes off to his room and pouts and then pulls out a secret journal and starts writing down dirty limericks which he whispers to himself and laughs.

The next day Marky, Lance and Willow are all hanging out at a central park playing Frisbee and the such. Willow bends over to pick up the stray Frisbee and a guy passing by pinches her ass. Immediately a bunch of the fascist stormtroopers surround them and say that the man is charged with committing an act of sexual harassment and is to be sentenced immediately. The man panics and begs crying out “C’mon you saw those titties, I couldn’t help myself, where’s your humanity?!!?” at which point they shoot him dead and two stormtroopers drag his body off. The cops then tell Willow she’s being charged with arousing a citizen and will be punished immediately. She is taken to a holding cell where Falk explains to her why what she did can lead to chaos and anarchy and why women must not exude sexiness. She accepts her guilt and Grand Ruler Harden enters and says that Willow has been a model citizen, but must still learn greater respect for society’s delicate balance and spanks her mercilessly with an iron paddle that has the word ‘chastity’ engraved in it in big letters until Willow sheds a tear and is released.

She meets up with her family in the city square outside Ruler Harden’s imposing fascist tower and seems totally disillusioned expressing outrage over being punished for doing nothing. Her family tries to calm her to no avail. She starts shouting and asks how her body can be a crime as people passing by just stare at her like a crazy person. She breaks down and eventually takes off her shirt and motions to her breasts asking “Are these a crime?!!?!” at which point a sniper shoots her in the head and a voice over a megaphone tells everybody to move along. Her parents look angry and the father goes to raise a fist in the direction of the sniper and the rest of her family gets mowed down, followed by another calm voice over the megaphone telling people to move along again.

We then cut to Marky’s house. His father is happy saying to the mother that the state just found his balls and they’ll be released to him for the whole weekend and the mother seems really happy. Lance bursts in the door and asks to speak to Marky, the parents direct him to the back yard where Marky is playing with a tetherball. Lance is crying and tells him that the cops shot Willow and her family, Marky gets all pissed with him and says he wishes there was something they could do. Lance boldly says there is something they can do, and then kisses Marky at which point alarms all go off and the two turn and look to notice a security camera mounted on a lamp post and a voice comes over the megaphone telling them Lance is being charged with committing a homosexual act and Marky is being charged with participating in a homosexual act. Stormtroopers pile in, Marky fights a couple of them off but they beat him and Lance with their batons and drag them off.

Cut to a giant stone courtyard with a high concrete wall. A bunch of stormtroopers are lined up as a firing squad with Falk standing beside them in a commanding position and Grand Ruler Harden sitting on a throne on a raised platform. Harden rises and gives them a speech about the heinousness of their crimes and circles them while delivering a berating monologue. Marky notices her starring at his feet and gives her a weird look and she makes a face like she’s just been caught and pauses, losing her train of thought and tells Commander Falk to commence with the execution and heads back to her throne to watch. Falk commands the firing squad to aim but then a bunch of dildos go flying into their heads and he looks up to see Desmondio and his sexy ninja girls standing on the wall above holding bows and using the dildos as arrows.

Desmondio swoops down and unlocks Marky and Lance’s handcuffs and tells them to follow him as he climbs a rope that leads over the wall. Just as Marky reaches the top of the wall he looks down to see Lance get his head blown off by Falk who has drawn a pistol and made a deft shot from quite a ways away. Desmondio says there’s no saving Lance and pulls Marky over the ledge. We see Falk look angry that they got away and Harden just storms off without berating him.

We then cut to later that day out in a barren desert wasteland where Desmondio and his troop of sexy ninjas and Marky are gathered on top of a dune looking back at the walled in city where Marky used to live. Desmondio tells him this is the world beyond the walls of the city, where people are free. Marky asks Desmondio why he rescued him and Desmondio gets into typical action movie prophecy talk, telling Marky that a long time ago society became repressed like it is now and that a saviour called the Marquis de Sade came and liberated people with his bawdy wit and overt sexuality and that before he died he prophesized his return by writing it in excrement on small piece of toilet paper which has been passed down through generations of seekers as a sacred scroll. Desmondio elaborates that he and his followers believe Marky to be the reincarnation of the Marquis de Sade who will once again, liberate the uptight world.

Marky of course looks shocked, and Desmondio pulls out the jar with Marky’s balls in it and casually hands it to him saying “Here, these are yours, you’ll think better once (Abi Titmuss’s character) reattaches them.” Then we cut to Marky recovering from the reattachment on an operating table and maybe even have some Matrix homage dialogue.

“Why do my balls hurt?”

“You’ve never used them.”

Then we get a bunch of training sequences as Desmondio prepares Marky to take on this repressive society. Marky studies martial arts alongside Desmondio for a montage and some short scenes showing weeks of combat training then we cut to night time around the campfire where the sexy ninja girls and Marky and Desmondio all exude a sense of community and freedom by singing revolutionary songs like ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ by Salt N Peppa and ‘Head to Toe’ by Ludacris. The next morning Desmondio wakes Marky from his bed and says he wants him to spar and Marky graciously obliges by jumping into a ready stance, but then Desmondio surprises him saying he wants him to spar with (Lucy Pinder’s character).

He shows better technique but she uses her boobs to distract him and ultimately wins which gets him angry. Desmondio calmly retorts that sex is what they are fighting for so it should also be part of what they fight with, that if he wants to beat Harden he won’t just need to fight better, but he’ll also have to look good doing it. So we get another extended training passage where Marky learns sexiness. We see him starting out with a Dance Dance Revolution mat moving onto studying video of Elvis shaking his hips and progressing through Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing and onto Justin Timberlake. Marky also hits the books and studies the theory of sexiness by examining large leatherbound volumes of R&B lyrics, the Kama Sutra, and Penthouse Letters. Months later he fights Lucy Pinder again and wins by doing some sexy pelvic thrusts and Michael Jackson spinning crotch grabs that distract her and then all the other ninja girls move in to attack and he beats them all too. Desmondio applauds in pride.

We then cut back to Grand Ruler Harden’s throne room. Eric Roberts enters wearing only a sequin thong with a machete sheath and sequin cowboy boots. Harden says to him “I don’t agree with your lifestyle, you know that, but you’re effective and that’s what counts.” To which Roberts replies “I don’t agree with this society that you’ve built here, that’s why I live in the wasteland, but I agree with your gold, woman, and that’s why I do your bidding.” She hands him a sack of gold and clarifies that she wants Marky “eliminated”.

Then we cut back to the sexy desert ninja camp where Marky and Desmondio are sharing a nice moment of master/apprentice bonding where Desmondio tells him how proud he is of Marky and that he knows now that the prophecy is true blah blah blah. Then they go out and have their usual evening campfire party but Eric Roberts show up and tries to kill Marky but Desmondio jumps in his way and blocks the attack but dies giving Marky just enough reaction time to gather himself and fight Eric Roberts and beat him to death.

Marky seems to be mourning alone on a dune and when one of the ninja chicks goes to comfort him he says the best way to honour Desmondio is to fulfill his destiny. We then cut to Commander Falk entering a boardroom in a huff with his top cops, berating them about how vulnerable the upcoming New Year’s Eve celebration is to attacks. He sits down rapidly on a chair not noticing that there was a dildo left on it and that it went up his ass when he sat down on it. Falk jumps out of his chair and pulls it out. He then starts yelling at his top cops “What are you staring at?” then one of them steps forward and says that he’ll have to punished for committing a homosexual act. Falk starts freaking out about how this is ludicrous and pointing out how it was clearly an accident and that they should be more concerned with how somebody infiltrated the city with a forbidden object but the cops don’t listen to him, they just handcuff him drag him out to the courtyard and line up as a firing squad. Just as they’re about to shoot Falk notices Marky hanging like a gargoyle off a building high above watching him, and Marky shoots him a flirtatious wink. Falk screams out a slow motion “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” just as the firing squad blow him away.

We then see all the ninja ladies back at the camp in the desert wasteland making out. Marky approaches out of the desert haze and they all stop snogging and give him their full attention to which he calmly states “Ladies, let’s start planning to ring in the New Year with a bang.”

We cut to New Year’s Eve in the city. All sorts of elevator muzak songs play at an agreeable volume as giant parade floats such as a large balloon shaped like a chastity belt move down the street with giant banners with the word ‘abstinence’ are strung everywhere. Grand Ruler Harden is riding the main float of a giant fig leaf tree. We get an intercutting of the drab ‘celebration’ in the city square with the ninja girls infiltrating various key utilities around town. We see them break into the waterworks and start loading up the pipes with K-Y jelly. And we see them stealthily take out the guards minding the confetti machines, but we don’t find out what they’re doing with them just yet.

Then over the loudspeakers the city suddenly notices they’re playing the R&B song ‘Pony’ by Ginuwine. Marky enters the city square doing a bunch of sexy breakdance moves which causes everybody within ten feet of him to just faint (Marky has pan-gender appeal) so the crowd just parts for him as he dances his way through. On a float behind him the ninja girls are riding and handing out people’s testicle jars and the people just start reattaching their balls and snogging in the street. Harden commands a bunch of guards to seize him and Marky whips out two titanium dildos and starts wielding them as clubs taking out several dozen guards and using his pelvic thrust to shoot a forcewave that explodes one of their heads. He hops up onto the parade float that Harden is on and strikes a sexy pose and a bunch of fireworks go off and the fire hydrants all erupt shooting K-Y all over the crowd and the confetti machines shoot out pages from porno magazines like confetti all over the crowd. The crowd breaks out into a mass orgy all fornicating on the ground in a big pile.

Harden pulls out her spanking paddle and we get an extended swordfight between she and Marky until he ultimately shatters her paddle to bits with his titanium dildos and them spins around and smashes her kneecaps with the dildos and she falls to the ground crippled. Marky looks down at her and says “You know, I noticed something that caught your eye that one time we met. I was too naive to recognize your fetish at the time, but how I have I grown.” Marky slowly unzips his boot and reveals his bare foot and says “Go on, it’s okay.” Harden crawls over and looks truly sad for a moment hesitantly taking a first little lick but then gives in and starts licking his feet with lustful enthusiasm. Marky says “Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? See, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.”

We then we get a shot of Grand Ruler Harden with a devilishly pleased grin on her face snuggling up to Marky’s foot and pan out to a long shot of the giant orgy in the streets and fade to black as a large choir Juno Reactor version of ‘Let’s Get It On’ starts to play.

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