Buss 2 Kappz
This is a
sequel to my previous pog movie that was called Buss a Kapp
or something like that. This sequel will
be in 3D.
The film opens
with a fast-paced scene of Darius Fenning (Chris
Pine) as a cocky businessman from The Corpomax
Corporation on a private jet acting like Ellis from Die
Hard. He blathers a bit about how he
can “handle this Eurotrash” while he pinches the bums
of the stewardesses. The plane touches
down in Germany and we cut to Darius on a hunting trip with a bunch of German
businessmen. Even though they are in the
forest they are still wearing business suits, just with goofy hunting caps on
their heads. They are all snorting
cocaine out of the asscracks of fancy-looking
prostitutes while loading their hunting rifles and engaging Mamet style
white-collar macho blathering about profit and which companies they have put
out of business.
Darius makes
all these confident statements about how the Germans need Corpomax
to protect their interests and then says something about it being evolution and
the food chain and blah blah blah. Then Darius commands
“Release the prey!” and one of the hookers, who is bent over getting
cocaine snorted out of her bum, extends an arm and pulls a lever. A cage opens and a bunch of Brazilian orphans
dressed as foxes are released and the businessmen all hunt them. Because this movie will be in 3D we’ll be
treated to lots of 3D bullet-time shots of orphans’ heads exploding.
A hot chick
wearing a bikini and some remnants of a dog costume runs around collecting all
the shot-up bodies of the orphans and piling them up while the business men all
eat fancy food at an ivory table. They
all keep snorting more and more cocaine and drinking booze, laughing
hysterically at nothing. Darius makes a
mischievous facial expression and sneaks off behind the limousine and pops the
boot to reveal it’s full of diamonds. He
gleefully screams “Diamond fight!” and they all start throwing diamonds
at each other like snowballs and laughing until they are all rolling around in
the pile of dead Brazilian fox-costume orphans laughing heartily and the lead
German business guy says “I like how you do business Darius.” Darius
pulls out a contract from his pocket, the German guy signs it before passing
out face first in a pile of diamonds and orphans.
We then cut to
Skill Hudgens (played Tyrese)
the pog all-star champion main character from the previous
film. He is now a businessman in a nice
suit meeting with a bunch of Japanese businessmen in Tokyo. They are in a sushi bar and Skill is pitching
his company hard. The lead Japanese
businessman cuts him off saying “We knew all about your company before you
came here. We chose to do business with
the great athlete Skill Hudgens because we do
business like this.” The Japanese
businessman holds up a slammer (the hard pog used to
flip the other pogs).
Tyrese stretches his neck and calmly says “Bring
it.” But he says it in Japanese and cool 3D subtitles that are all over the
screen like some Tony Scott movie appear to show us that he knows how to say
‘bring it’ in Japanese and is therefore awesome.
Everybody in
the room steps back and the lead Japanese businessman calls upon one of his
executives to step forward. The exec
rips off his shirt and a furious game of pog
ensues. Lots of cool
3D shots of the pogs with Japanese characters on them
flying through the air. When
Skill flips some caps they will land showing Japanese characters and we get the
other Japanese businessmen commenting on the game with distress saying “Those
two caps represented our whole R&D department and he just won them!” Again, the subtitles will take full
advantage of this film being in 3D.
Skill wins the
whole company and his opponent instantly commits seppuku
and the lead Japanese businessman dips a quill in his blood and signs a
contract and on bended knee, hands it to Skill.
We then get the
opening credits which are a montage set to rap music consisting of intercut
scenes of Darius and Skill flying back to America in fancy private jets and
arriving at their office at Corpomax
headquarters. They both relax in their
fancy offices and both get reminded of the big annual review meeting by the
CEO’s assistant Emily (Emily Blunt doing an American accent).
Skill and
Darius both arrive at the boardroom at the same time but Darius smugly muscles
past Skill so that he can be first to shake the hand of the CEO (played by
Pierce Brosnan as one of those characters who’s
probably supposed to be American but cast with an actor who makes no effort to
cover his accent like when Anthony Hopkins plays Americans).
The CEO of Corpomax congratulates Darius and Skill on their
acquisitions of foreign companies and Darius grins really and makes a cocky
stare at Skill. But then the CEO changes
his tone and says that Darius spent an awful lot on ‘hospitality’ expenses to
make his deal happen. Darius has an
outburst of anger where he says Skill doesn’t know anything about business, he’s just a celebrity who gets deals based on his
image as a well-known athlete. The CEO
says they both have their strengths and can learn from each other and that’s
why they’re going to work the next account together.
The CEO
explains that a lot of business are still too chickenshit
to go into Iraq, but that if they get in there first, they’ll have customer
loyalty for the majority of the market.
The CEO explains that they will be getting Iraqi companies to sign up for
Corpomax’s service of trans-fat-free frozen yogurt
that can be downloaded directly to your mobile phone. The CEO explains that currently nobody
provides this service in Iraq and Corpomax could
easily have a monopoly if they work together and work quickly.
On the plane to
Iraq they butt heads a number of times and when they get to Iraq they go on
their first business meeting. They
cruise through the streets of Baghdad in a limousine hummer with an armed
convoy of bodyguards. The camera shakes
lots and everything has that digitally bleached-out look to show it’s hot
because the audience won’t just get that it’s hot because it’s a bright sunny
day in the Middle East.
Skill says that
Darius just uses cheap tricks like whores and coke to make all his business
deals. Darius says he’s got ingenuity
and hustle and doesn’t just coast on his celebrity pog
athlete status. Then the two just ignore
each other in tense silence the rest of the trip.
They show up
for their first business meeting with a rich Iraqi guy who has a crowd
assembled to watch and he proclaims that he will give Corpomax
the contract if they beat his top guy at pogs. The Iraqi guy is kinda
playing dirty and winning, and then Darius puts in a call and a big-titted lady in a low cut dress posing as Skill’s assistant
enters the room, and she leans forward to whisper into Skill’s ear causing the
Iraqi pog guy to get distracted by her cleavage and
miss a key pog.
This gives Skill the edge and he wins.
He then has to give Darius a begrudging respect and Darius reciprocates
by complimenting him on his pog playing.
The two start to bond and we cut forward a few days to show they’ve
worked out a business approach that uses both their strengths in selling
downloadable low-fat yoghurt to Iraqi firms.
They go to the biggest meeting yet.
Everything is discussed in militaristic terms simply because The Hurt Locker was a big movie and we
want to capitalize on that and so we’ll have the characters say a bunch of
stuff about going into an “explosive business
situation that needs to be diffused pronto” and overuse expressions like
this.
They get to a
small fortified building in the desert where they meet with the heads of
several Iraqi companies to negotiate a takeover. The deal goes sour and the Iraqis pull out
guns and rocket launchers and a firefight between them and Corpomax’s
security force breaks out. Darius gets
shot and Skill barely escapes and drives until his car runs out of gas and
spends several days in a montage of him wandering the desert until he makes it
to Dubai, which is in Iraq in this movie, I guess.
He runs around
the streets of Dubai and notices everything is absurdly expensive because
that’s how things are there. Every phone
cabin he finds costs ten diamonds to make a call and one diamond just to stand
in the cabin and not call anybody. He
sees a big television screen in the town square that says this week’s model of
gold-plated mobile phone has just been released. Everybody chucks their old phones into the ivory
garbage cans on the street and Skill goes through the garbage and picks one
out.
He calls Corpomax and gets Emily Blunt’s
character Emily, the administrative assistant chick. At first she’s angry at him for screwing up
that business deal in the desert and that Corpomax
has now lost millions of dollars to the Iraqi companies. Skill puts it together that Darius must’ve
switched sides. We get one of those
flashback sequences where a character suddenly sees everything more
clearly. Skill now sees how that big
eruption back in the desert was for show.
In slowmo 3D flashback mode he can now see
Darius signalling to the Iraqi business guys when to strike and faking his
death.
Like in all
movies Skill gets Emily to believe him by speaking calmly and telling her she
knows he’d be involved in shit like that.
He gets her look up any information she can about the company they were
meeting with that day. She does and
gives him the address of their business suite.
We cut to
Darius smoking a hookah pipe with a bunch of Middle Eastern businessmen in a
luxurious penthouse suite and they’re all grilling him about whether he’s
fulfilled his contract. Darius remains
confident saying they’ll see the results soon enough and that they’d better
keep their end of the bargain. The other
businessmen all leave still doubtful.
Skill
infiltrates the big Dubai luxury tower by stealthily slipping around and
flipping pogs like ninja stars at guards. He makes it to the penthouse and kicks down
the door and glares with rage at Darius.
Darius laughs a nihilistic laugh and tells Skill he’s too late and that
he has already singlehandedly destroyed the American economy. Skill asks why he would do such a thing and
Darius simply replies he did it because he was paid well to. He then of course admits he’s impressed that
Skill survived. Skill reaches into his
shirt and pulls out a pog slammer with a stopped
bullet stuck in it and Darius nods and says “That’ll
do it.”
Darius then
offers to cut Skill in for a payoff and Skill says “Not a chance!” Skill flicks
the pog slammer in a slowmo
bullet-time 3D shot right into Darius’s chest sending him flying ten feet backwards
out through the windows of his penthouse and splattering on the gold-paved
sidewalks of Dubai. Skill then runs up
to roof and grabs a helicopter off the helicopter pad and flies back to
America. He sees that the streets of
America have turned into Grapes of Wrath
overnight with people living like hobos (in 3D). He sees newspapers all over the street
talking about the economic crash that has just happened.
Skill tries to
get near Corpormax’s headquarters but security guards
spot him and chase him off in a parkour sequence
ripped off of a Bourne movie or
something. So he gets to a vantage point
in a parking tower across the street and calls Emily and tells her to get
Darius’s file. He watches her while
talking to her on his cell phone in a Rear
Window type of situation and sees Pierce Brosnan,
the CEO come in looking around and instructs her where to go and hide and how
to slip past him out of the building.
They meet and
Skill looks through Darius’s file and rattles off a bunch of exposition that we
were too sloppy to establish subtly earlier.
Skill exclaims that Darius took a bunch of computer courses and because
of his rich family he had unique access to the stock market’s mainframe. Darius spits out with rage “He was a computer geek posing as a
businessman! I should’ve known goddammit! He hacked
the stock market to tell us we’re poor when we’re not!”
We awkwardly
cut to Skill and Emily loading up a jeep.
This little scene will be done like they are doing something really
important even though they are just setting coolers and bags of sandwiches into
a car they’ll do it all serious like they’re setting down guns ‘n shit. This is followed by more Terminator 2: Judgement Day type stuff of them driving through the
desert and stopping at cantinas and looking at poor people or whatever.
They arrive in
Manhattan and it looks all post-apocalyptic with people all living like hobos
in the street and buildings all decrepit.
Skill parks and makes his way through the crowd (which parts for him
because he walks slowly and seriously) to Wall Street. He enters the stock market and it is a big
dark foggy room with a giant flashing monitor.
The giant monitor shows a face made out of simple polygons and asks
Skill what he wants just like The Wizard
of Oz in case you haven’t already made that connection.
Skill announces
that he’s here to play for America’s wealth.
The stock market computer screams that nobody can defeat it. A pair of doors on the floor slide open and a
pedestal with a stack of pogs comes up from the
ground. Skill plays pog
against the evil stock market. Each pog he wins you see the stock market go up and America’s
wealth return until America is in boomtime again and
the stock market computer screams “Nooooooo!” like Darth Vader in Revenge of the Sith.
Skill emerges
to the crowd of people all silently waiting in the streets and tells them he
has returned America’s monetary prosperity but their true worth comes from
within. They all cheer and Celebration
by Kool & The Gang (remixxxed) starts playing and a giant block party breaks
out as the credits roll over all the people partying with food they suddenly
have and dancing.
Feel you can handle more realness? Check this shit out!
Here’s my attempt at a
youth-oriented urban drama film.
Two movies I wrote about a
topless boxer.
Here’s a treatment for a
psychic gangster revenge movie.