Nicholas Cage’s Next

This film was pretty Cagetatastic. For you guys who are students of Cage I recommend seeing this. If you didn't see the entertainment value in The Wicker Man Remake or The Kiss of Death Remake, then don't bother.

But for the rest of you, this film is Cage stepping into Seagal territory (which could be classified as 'dark'). Cage does some judo kicks and chops when escaping his FBI cell. Later he does a good Matrix bullet dodge move. As fun as it is to finally see Cage doing some real fighting and the joy of silly action, that’s not what we look for in a Cage film. We are drawn to Cage for deeper reasons.

But don’t fret, there are plenty of Cage moments of hilarious overacting, arm waving, bug-eyed head twitching, sputtering, and of course classic Cage dialogue including a little anecdote about true beauty and a good Cagified joke about a hotdog:

“Did you hear about the zen monk who ordered a hot dog? He said he had one with everything.”

I’m pretty sure Cage wrote that joke himself and would actually use it on a date. Speaking of hotdogs, there was a really funny part in this movie where Cage is telling Jessica Biel about how he’s a magician and his stage name is Frank Cadillac because he put two things together that he likes. He says he likes Cadillac cars, which was obvious, and I was totally expecting him to say that he likes hotdogs, but it’s actually Frank Sinatra he named himself after. That was a real missed opportunity, especially if he’d phrased it “I like classy rides and long wieners.”

His real name in the movie is Cris Johnson, which strangely also sounds like a stage name. I would’ve preferred if they’d reversed things and made his real name Frank Cadillac and his stage name Cris Johnson, in fact I would’ve preferred his real name be Tugger Throwback, because I’ve always wanted Cage to play a guy named Tugger. But you can’t have everything. Especially in a film where Cage sports his awesomest hairpiece to date. It looks like George Washington’s hair and maybe it was, he could’ve stolen it in one of those National Treasure flics.

Cage plays a psychic, who can see only two minutes into the future and only things that will affect his life, with some exceptions. If it means gettin’ some pussy, this fucker can see for miles and miles into the future, but national security and nuclear war are down on the same two-minutes-ahead standard as stuff like traffic and what card the blackjack dealer will deal next.

The film opens with Cage working his job as a Las Vegas magician who also gambles at the casinos to support himself. He’s got some pretty cool hobbies such as stealing cars, foiling robberies, and hanging out with Colombo, yet he’s still pretty melancholy. I’d settle for foiling jaywalkers and hanging out with Matlock, but this despondent psychic Cage hungers for more. To be exact, Cage longs to have sex with a woman half his age.

That young lady is played by Jessica Biel, who also gives a Cage-level supporting performance as a woman who meets a creepy guy with a weird haircut at a truck stop diner, offers him a ride during which he spouts insane babble about how they were destined to meet, and doesn't get creeped out in the least. That’s right, this is also one of those love story movies were it takes place over a day but the characters act really attached to each other like they've been together for years.

I really liked the scene where Cage is wooing Biel in the diner. Cage sits there oogling her and contemplating all the possible approaches of getting to know her by using his psychic powers to examine the results of various pick up techniques. My favorite is the one where Biel is having an argument with her scumbag ex-boyfriend, Cage interrupts, informing the scumbag that he is “her past” and introducing himself as “her future”. The scumbag naturally starts trying to attack Cage, but since he’s psychic he dodges the attacks and does a bunch of Seagal-style kicks and chops without ever breaking eye contact with Biel’s breasts. But it turns out a more subtle approach is the key to her heart.

The two head out on the road and Cage says weird things and makes weird faces. They stop for Jessica Biel to do her job, which seems to consist of simply paying a five minute visit to a tribe of Native Indian children who live unsupervised in the pit of the Grand Canyon, kinda like those kids in Solarbabies. There’s a really funny part where Biel is talking to the kids and they notice Cage standing in a really weird position off in the distance and then he struts over and starts impressing the kids with corny magic tricks. I guess since these kids are orphans who live in caves or something that’s why they’re the only children who are impressed by goofy magic tricks. They must have never had dorky uncles who bore and annoy them with this shit. They’d probably be suckers for a good pun joke too but that joke about the zen hot dog would probably go over their heads. But seriously, I want her job.

On their way somewhere they discover the road is closed and it’s getting late, so they do the only natural thing that two people who just met a few hours earlier in a diner would do, check into a posh hotel room with one bed. And when I say posh, I mean it. From the outside this place looks like one of those motels for people having affairs, but inside it’s a gorgeous cabin complete with quilted bedspread and fireplace.

Biel takes a shower and comes out into the main room wearing only a towel while Cage spouts bizarre poetry and she dries herself off. This, in my mind, establishes that these two feel pretty comfortable around each other. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see how Cage would use his psychic powers during the sex act, but maybe being able to see the future results in premature ejaculation. Earlier in the movie he does this little trick where he does a countdown to when a lady’s necklace will break, I’d like it if you saw him getting it on with Biel and he says “You’re going to come in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”

The next morning they’re acting all lovey-dovey and making breakfast for each other when the FBI and a bunch of Russian assassins show up and from then on it’s more of an action movie and less of kitchen sink realism depiction of a typical first date. But there’s still some good stuff. Especially Cage’s bullet dodges and his one-liners to the terrorists.

If I had any problems with the movie it would probably be Julianne Moore. She's way too good an actress and playing the role of the FBI agent too realistically. I think they should've reunited Cage with his Kiss of Death Remake costar, David Caruso and really let the sparks fly. Caruso would've nailed this role. I also felt the ending was a bit abrupt, but since you guys all love this No Country For Old Men picture you’ll probably think the ending to Next is artsy and daring or something.

If you liked this, here are some more recommended articles:

Solarbabies

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Spiderman 3

Okay, I actually review it this time instead of just making fun of you guys who went to see it.

Merry fucking Christmas