Mean Girls
Ahhhh high school. Smoking pot, getting blowjobs, and receiving good grades for next
to no work. You find somebody to
sell you drugs; you find somebody to suck your dick; then you disappear at
lunch. Well, I guess it wasn’t a
pleasure cruise for everybody. Some
idiots didn’t figure out that if you hang around people when you’ve got nothing
to do and nothing special to say, then you just end up all tangled in each
other’s shit and all this drama happens.
The people who know this best are generally convicts. The people who know this the least are
generally women. Mean Girls is a
film about such people.
Even though
this film has got that whole filmed-in-Toronto
look steaming off it, it is set in America, where it is warmer and so these kids
have no fucking excuse for staying inside so much. They all spend their time in the fucking
cafeteria where they just end up gossiping, judging each other, and pissing
each other off when they should be getting stoned and laid, if not in their
nearby houses, then at least in their cars.
From what I understand from movies and Meatloaf songs, Americans fetishize automobiles and love fucking in them.
I’m guessing
this film is a pretty accurate portrayal of the people who actually gave a fuck
during high school and stuck around in the building when they didn’t need to
and gave high school culture more thought than it deserved and probably grew up
to be those douchebags who spend the rest of their
lives trying to compensate for it in a lot of transparent embarrassing
ways. That message wasn’t for you sluts
reading this. Keep being a slut. Even if it fails to change the past or your
self esteem, you’re still bringing smiles to men’s faces and charity was what made
everybody love Mother Theresa so much.
This film is a
cynical portrayal of teenage culture and involves a dark plan to take down an
elitist social clique, so I guess this is the part of the review where I have
to mention Heathers or else I lose my membership in the hipster’s
club. I get that for a certain
generation who went through high school being treated with all this respect by
John Hughes it was a big counterculture moment to see the Heathers movie
call all that bullshit. But fuck it, I’m not that old or that bitter. Heathers is a
decent movie and I won’t deny that generation their pre-Colombine
Colombinian fantasy, but I prefer Mean Girls
and maybe even Jennifer’s Body. Mean Girls is well-built and the
dialogue exchanges flow pretty naturally and advance the plot.
The acting in Mean Girls is pretty good. This represents the entire peak of Lindsay Lohan’s career. For
this bright moment in cinema, we all saw so much potential down her shirt. I’m definitely not going to knock I Know Who Killed Me. I love that movie. In fact, hard times have done her good. I prefer her as a talented actress stuck in
b-movies than seeing her compete against fifty other actresses for some
bullshit role like Spiderman’s girlfriend or some shit. Besides, when it comes to drunken disgrace,
what doesn’t kill you only makes you Robert Downey Jr. Or, well, Mel Gibson. Just try not say
anything bigoted okay, Lindsay?
The whole cast
is strong and most of the protagonists are likeable. That Lebanese lesbian chick seems like the
type of person I would hang out with, but she’s got a bit too much of an
agenda. I’d probably tell to drop that
shit or fuck off. A lot of the people in
this went on to bigger things. Such as
Rachel McAdams who went onto being able to afford a meal after this film and
that chick who’s boobs can tell the weather got to
sing Abba songs and snoggle with Megan Fox in other
movies.
The actors are also
given a good script written by Tina Fey, who I think uses her writing powers on
some television show called 30 Chris
Rock or something. They say it’s
about what it’s like to be on Saturday Night Live, so I guess it’s a show about
the two weeks in a comedian’s career in between standup
and getting offered fifty movies and television shows. It’s probably funny. I haven’t seen it.
Fey writes
those character things and puts them in one of those plot things. A lot of people feel there isn’t room for
that stuff plus laughs in a comedy movie, but I think they make it fit here. There’s still lots
of room for funny things such as girls getting hit by buses, fat dudes getting
hit with shoes while singing Christina Aguilera, gym coaches fucking underage
Asian chicks, and other such comedy of the pre-written talkyspeak
variety.
Like most
comedies they go for a bit of a positive message. The message is mostly to just get along. That’s kinda sweet, now try it in the Middle East. Well, it’s nice to be nice. And it’s nice to have a nice day. And it’s nice not have lice. And it’s nice to be Rachel Weisz. And I hear
the ice in Schweiz is very nice. And I realize the movie can’t just say that
the key to living a more drama-free life is to just not be born with a vagina,
so I guess this is all I can expect from life advice from a movie aimed at
teenagers. I realize that in lives of
young people, drama and gossip come strutting and jiggling towards you in slow
motion down the corridor and you can’t out-strut them forever. But true strength comes from within and so my
advice to today’s youth is to avoid the shit, but also let it be known that you’re
not to be fucked with so that the shit also avoids you.
If you liked this, check out these other
recommended readings:
A Robostripper
Lindsay Lohan Production
DEBS: They’re Crime-Fighting Hotties
with Killer Bodies
May the Jordanafication and Brewsterization
of Hollywood continue.
Things that make you go
‘Whoops!’