Onyx & Ivory

This is my first time trying to write a Sinbad type adventure movie. But I feel it’s important for me to grow as an aspiring trash auteur. So here it goes.

The movie starts with Onyx Knight (played by DMX) breaking into some rich dude’s mansion and all the standard stuff like slipping past laser wires and guard dogs and stuff. He makes it into the main bedroom and sees the old rich dude sleeping next to his trophy wife with his hand on her ass. But on his hand (the one on the ass) is a giant ring which Onyx slips off the guy’s finger. Onyx pockets it, then whispers to himself “Awww fuck it, let’s make this interesting.” So he slaps the trophy wife on the ass and both she and the rich old dude wake up and the next shot is Onyx speeding away from the mansion on his chopper leaving an army of security guards and dogs in his dust with the old rich dude berating them.

Onyx gets back to his penthouse apartment opens his safe and grabs a handful of peanuts from a candy dish inside the safe and then puts the ring in an old shoebox and slides it under his bed. He then turns around and draws his gun and we realize there’s somebody else there watching in the shadows. He asks “Tell me why I shouldn’t blow you the fuck away for breakin’ into my crib?”

Skellora (played by Mila Jonovich) steps out of the shadows and answers “Because Mr. Knight, I’ll make you richer than you ever dreamed.”

Next we cut to South Africa where we meet Ken Ivory (played by Jason Statham) a poacher who delivers a big pair of tusks to some rich dude. The rich dude seems really impressed and goes on about how great they’ll look in his cellar, pays Ivory a suitcase full of money, and gets on his private jet and flies away. Ivory gets back to his jeep and climbs in and reveals that he also pickpocketed the rich dude and empties his wallet and examines his watch then realizes Skellora is sitting in the back seat and jumps in his seat.

She says “So, do you ever want to be more than just a common thief? Follow my directions.”

The next scene is Skellora’s hotel room where she has Onyx waiting and explains to he and Ivory that she wants to hunt a rare beast in Asia that is an elephant with jewel encrusted skin and tusks that grow forever even when removed from the elephant, but she needs two resourceful men to help. They can have the skin and tusks, she wants the heart. A big muscular goth guy named Lucius shows them a treasure map.

So the journey begins. The hike through the jungle and fight things like the horned Cyclopes and a minotaur and creatures that are half naked lady and half scorpion and solve all sorts of puzzles and shit. Only I want the fighting to be hardcore. I want them to rip off the scorpion lady’s tail and choke her with it. I also want to see a Cyclopes get kicked in the balls by Ivory and while he’s hunched over holding his balls Onyx will ram a spear up his ass. I also want Onyx to BBQ some minotaur steaks while A1 sauce.

While hiking through the jungle they come across a destroyed tribal village where they meet Maya Papaya (played by Maggie Q). Maya tells them not to mess with the Elephant God and says that men from her village where hired by a mysterious millionaire to attack the Elephant God, but the Elephant killed them and then came and destroyed their village.

They blow her off and enter the temple of the Elephant God and have face several trials such as a leap of faith and kissing a monkey before they make it to the Elephant God’s chamber and fight him to the death. Onyx strips the jewel skin off and Ivory takes the tusks while Lucius rips the heart out and presents it to Skellora who then begins chanting. Skellora begins to glow and eventually becomes a giant version of herself with jewel encrusted skin and giant tusks and proclaims herself all powerful eats Lucius and stops off.

Onyx and Ivory are wandering away wondering what they’ve done and they see Maya Papaya again. They ask her what her tribe did to fend off the Elephant God when it attacked. She tells them that only the blood of a virgin poured on the beast’s forehead can stop the Elephant God.

Next we get a Godzilla type scene where the Elephant God is destroying Shanghai. Ivory, Onyx, and Maya all ride into town in a sports car and see the wreckage. Maya says she’ll go on recruitment duty while they obtain “the device”. Ivory and Onyx use their thief skills to get into the museum of history and steal a catapult and chain it to the sports car. They pull around the block where Maya has a bunch of virgins all gathered. They then drive around firing virgins at the Elephant God’s head and missing, making for some funny moments where the virgins splatter against walls and stuff.

Then the Elephant God corners Ivory and Onyx and grabs their catapult and smashes it. She calls them fools and tells them they were well paid for their amorality but now it is they who must pay the ultimate price. Then Maya appears drive a red cross van off a nearby over pass and crashes it into the Elephant God’s head spewing blood all over it and it melts and dies.

Maya climbs out and says out of the eighty litres of blood in that van, she figured on of them had to be a virgins. The men thank her and then we get another typical Japanese mass destruction movie moment where somebody says some vague message about the environment and we fade to black.

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