Atheist
Invasion
This
is a sequel to my religious action movie, Wolf
Pope.
Having
saved the God and The Vatican from a werewolf attack, Father Andreas Barracuda
(Jim Caviezel) goes on a pilgrimage in the mountains
of Brazil. This is mostly an excuse to
just reuse footage from the previous movie pretend it is a flashback or exposition
or some shit. He climbs up the mountain
to the big statue of Jesus outside of Rio De Janeiro
and prays at its feet. We the audience
don’t hear anything but Andreas appears to be having a conversation with the
statue asking it what he must do with himself now. He says stuff like “I have a friend in
need?” “Who?” “I see.” like he’s having a
conversation and being guided by Jesus. He rises to his feet like he suddenly has a
great sense of purpose and scurries down the mountain.
Andreas
arrives in rainy Seattle where he goes to an apartment building and knocks on
the door marked ‘Father Gerald MacDonald’ with a cross on the door. A neighbour sees Andreas knocking and tells
him he shouldn’t associate with such a horrible man. Andreas seems confused and says that Father
MacDonald is a man of God and the neighbour just shakes her head and walks
on. Andreas hears noises inside
MacDonald’s apartment and shouts through the door that it’s a friend and he is
told to bugger off. Andreas uses his
rosary to quickly pick the lock and burst into the room to see his old friend
Father MacDonald (Anthony Hopkins) standing on his window ledge with a noose
around his neck tied to a beam, a bottle of pills in one hand, and a razor in
the other.
MacDonald
urges him not to come closer and then rushes a foolproof suicide attempt
pouring the pills into his mouth and slitting his own wrists in one move and
then reaching around to pull a pistol from his belt and aiming it at his own
head. In a Zach Snyder style slowdownspeedup move of quick action we see Andreas kick
off his own shoe so that it flies through the air hits MacDonald in the gut
causing him to cough up all the pills and fire off a shot from his pistol that
misses his head. The two begin a kung-fu
suicide intervention fight with MacDonald trying to kill himself
and Andreas blocking all the attempts.
Andreas does a flip through the air grabbing the end of the noose and
pulling it off MacDonald’s neck and then lassoing it around his arms to stop
the bleeding from the slit wrists. The
two chase each other in parkour shit around the
apartment until MacDonald jumps over Andreas and flies out the window
plummeting to his death but Andreas quickly leans out the window and shoots a
billboard so that comes loose from the wall and catches MacDonald like a big
pocket.
We
cut to a little bit later where MacDonald is revealing the reason for his
attempted suicide: he has been falsely accused of molesting a young boy and has
been kicked out of the priesthood. He
sobs all over Andreas’s shoulder who just keeps seeming baffled by how such a
good man could be accused of such a thing and why a boy would dream this sort
of thing up. We have a bit of a John
Shaft style montage interlude of Andreas doing research on recent molestation
accusations against priests and strutting the streets of Seattle while chicks
check him out and he doesn’t notice accompanied by funky 70s music
playing. He arrives at the home of
Timmy, the boy who accused MacDonald of molesting him. He sees Timmy in the garage working on a
little go-kart. He tries to talk to him
but Timmy just acts scared and won’t talk.
Timmy cautiously looks down the street to see nobody around and then
hits the garage door to close and reaches into a toolbox and pulls out a lazer gun and starts shooting lazerbeams
at Andreas who does a bunch of parkouring to dodge
the shots and ultimately grabs a lawnmower and uses it to deflect one lazerbeam back at Timmy hitting him in the thigh and
causing a big wound.
Timmy
gets scared and jumps into his go-kart and floors it driving straight through
the garage door and speeding off down the street. Andreas grabs a bicycle off the wall and
peddles furiously to catch up with Timmy.
He gets within a block of Timmy and sees his go-kart take off and fly
away into the sky. We then get another
semi-montage of Andreas going to a church basement and turning all sorts of
levers disguised as holy statues and opening a secret weapons storage area. We see him arm up like Rambo with a load of
religiously decorated weapons and then glance down at a list of names and
addresses of children who have accused the Catholic church of molestation.
He
drives to the next one, a kid named Stephen, where there is a kids birthday
going on in the backyard. He sees a
clown car pull up and goes over and knocks the clown out, stuffs him in the
trunk, and dresses up as a clown and enters the party. He goes into the part area and starts
clowning around a bit and amusing the kids and then asks where the birthday boy
is and the crowd all points at Stephen and Andreas pulls out a long shotgun and
aims it at Stephen’s head but Stephen responds with super-strength bending the
barrel of the shotgun back backwards.
Andreas kicks him into the swimming pool and the pulls out an uzi and riddles him with bullets as the other children at
the part scream and cry. Stephen bleeds
an opaque blue blood into the pool and his corpse surfaces and it is clearly
all blue and veiny with some long squid-like
tentacles coming out of him. Andreas
says “I knew it!” Stephen’s
mother comes running at Andreas with a fire poker and he backfists
her into unconsciousness, hands out the goodie bags to
the catatonic party guests and leaves.
Andreas
goes to his next hit at a school. He
slips into the principle’s office and calls two students down to the office and
then sits there at the desk in anticipation with an assault rifle aimed at the
door. But then a big pair of tentacle
come smashing through the window behind him and pull him out into the schoolyard
where three children in revealed alien form use their tentacles to slap him
around for a few moments until a big beam pulls him up into the sky.
He
gets beamed aboard an alien ship hiding in the clouds where a couple of aliens
point lazerguns at him and say “We are what your
species should be worshipping, not God, we try to make the transition peaceful
and look at the thanks we get!”
Andreas
barks back “You want to take the church away from the people, you’ll need
more than a slander campaign!”
The
one alien calmly retorts “Fine, I hope lazers will
suffice!”
He
shoots at Andreas who ducks causing him to hit the other alien in the face and
Andreas lunges at him. The two role around fighting a bit until they roll into a garbage
hatch that flushes them out. The alien
inflates its tentacles so that he glides down to earth but Andreas punches him
in the faces the whole way down and steers his body like a glider to aim it
right at a street sign and then jumps off just as the alien lands impaled on
the sign.
Andreas
uses his rosary to hotwire a car and starts driving through town and sees the
spaceship come out of the clouds and start firing beams down. Panic ensues.
He drives by the church and sees that the aliens are blowing up
churches. He gets to the airport and
does some fancy manoeuvres to get onto the tarmac and hijacks a plane. While flying the plane he gets on the radio
and starts talking to the Vatican. He summarizes
the whole plot about how aliens fake child molestations to discredit the church
and turn people into atheists so that they will be more accepting of an
eventual alien takeover but things got hot and now the aliens are just
attacking the church out of spite.
Andreas tells the Vatican the aliens are probably coming for them. He tells them to get in touch with a church
in Rio de Janeiro and instruct them to get several hundred gallons of holy
water ready.
In
Brazil they use hot air balloons to pour the holy water on the giant statue of
Jesus and it comes alive like the Statue of Liberty at the end of Ghostbusters
2. We cut to the Vatican where all
the clergy are gathered in prayer hearing the rumbling of the alien ship
blowing up every church in the world as it works it way to them. The alien ship approached the Vatican but
then the Jesus statue comes out of the ocean with Andreas riding on its
shoulder and the Jesus statue hammerfists the alien
ship out of the sky. The alien ship
sprouts mechanical legs making it like a giant mechanical beetle. The Jesus and space ship fight in Rome like a
big Godzilla scene until the space
ship is smashed to bits and the Jesus statue squishes the aliens trying to flee
it beneath its feet.
The
sky parts and God (Paul Sorvino) thanks Andreas for
saving the Catholic church again and Andreas says “No
problem.”
We
then get an epic closing crane shot of the Vatican unharmed and all the clergy
running out the doors celebrating and the big Jesus statue rising to its feet
with Andreas on its shoulder and giving a big thumbs up into the camera.
If you enjoyed this, here are
some other related writings:
My attempt at
writing a religious action movie like Constantine.
This is not a story about
if I were the Pope.
This my attempt at
writing a blaxploitation superhero movie.
By request from
Renee.
Two movies I wrote about a
topless boxer.