Green Rage

The film opens with James Ashner (Bradley Cooper) a Michigan seventh grade teacher talking to his class of students. He is blathering a bunch of typical left-wing gobbleygork about how corporations are somehow evil because they make money and how the G20 is evil because it’s all these “rich white dudes conspiring” to “rape” the third world and the environment. As he lectures his class his eyes keep getting distracted looking down at the cleavage of his skanky-dressed 12 year old female students and he loses his train of thought from time to time and has to regain his focus but his face gets more red and their sexiness is clearly getting to him. He finishes his left wing tirade just as the bell rings and the students all leave for lunch and he masturbates in the staff bathroom and lets out a sigh of relief.

We cut to him coming home to his condo and taking down his recycling garbage. At the recycling sorting bins in his condo building he tries to impress a pretty lady who is also there sorting her garbage. He strikes up a conversation with her about how not enough people in the building are recycling and he tries to segue into some article he read in Adbusters about how the world’s priorities are “all fucked up” and blah blah blah. She is politely ignoring him until the conversation reaches an awkward pause when he asks her some question and she’s obviously thinking about how to answer in way that doesn’t encourage him to talk more but then a man falls from above and splatters all over the ground next to them.

They realize it’s their superintenant and James looks at the watering can in the dead body’s hand and then up at the balcony above and sees one of those troughs with flowers in it on and we get a Sergio Leone moment of going back and forth between the flowers on the superintenant’s balcony and James’s pensive gaze.

We cut to him re-entering his nice condo with faux-bohemian décor looking somewhat disturbed from having witnessed the superintenant’s death. He listens and deletes the answering machine messages on his phone that are from his father (Chritopher Plummer). The messages are a combination of concern for James mixed with mild disapproval for his life as a schoolteacher. James sinks into his plush leather sofa and puts on 3D glasses and watches some high definition 3D porn on his lavish big screen television and tries wanking but is kind of unnerved and can’t achieve erection and he then looks across the room at a fern with a suspicious gaze and then shrugs it off and goes to bed.

The next day he wakes up and rides his bicycle to work. He sees a giant car pile up caused by a florist’s delivery van but he doesn’t stop to help, he just smugly weaves his bicycle through the wreckage taunting all the cars that are stuck in the jam behind the accident. He gets to the school and makes his way through the corridors; once again checking out all the young teenage girls in their slutty outfits and displaying little to no pokerface as to how overwhelmingly sexy he finds it. He once again goes through his left wing ranting to his class while looking at the boobs of all his students and then class ends and he hands back the homework to the students and all the girls in slutty outfits get A+ and all the male students and fat girls get B- or C+. The kids take their homework and file out of class and James thinks he’s alone until one girl’s voice startles him; she is asking if she can talk about her grade. He smiles a nervous smile looking at her buxom figure. She shows him her homework and he notices that he gave a grade of DD and he laughs nervously realizing it was a Freudian slip and then tries to cover for it by nervously blabbering some convoluted explanation while his face turns red until he realizes she’s really close to him and then he just starts making out with her and quickly proceeds to having passionate sex with her on his desk. When he reaches orgasm he looks up to see another student is filming them through the little window in the class door using a camera phone.

We cut to him a week later with a stubble beard taking his recycling garbage down to the sorting bins and seeing a newspaper on the top of the pile with a headline about him getting fired jokingly calling him ‘Professor Polanski’ and some tears well up in his eyes but he fights them and walks slumped-over back up to his condo. Before he gets into his condo a funny neighbour dude in the hallway stops him and jokingly says “Yo, Jimmy! Bet you’d never thought you would be better off to be fired for fucking that girl! You get some nice tight pussy and get to keep your life! Win-win, bro!”

James looks at him confused but the neighbour guy is in a rush and goes into the stairwell before James processes what he said. James goes into his condo and deletes an even more urgent-sounding phone call from his father and turns on his television news to see that the school he taught at has crumbled and crushed almost everybody inside. The news tells that the plants in the school’s greenhouse had grown roots that had worked their way through the pillars of the edifice and broke its structure. The crazy part being how this sort of thing has happened a couple other times recently around the world.

Then the electricity goes out. He looks over and notices that his fern has grown and the vines are holding the door to his balcony shut. We then cut to a shot of vines tightening around the gas pipe for his building until it bursts and a giant explosion rocks the building and sets it on fire. James smashes his balcony window with one of his phoney African tribal sculptures and makes it out onto the balcony. He climbs from balcony to balcony seeing that the people inside are mostly dead and have been choked to death by plants growing around their necks in their sleep.

He climbs down to street level and notices vines and roots have grown rapidly through most buildings and are tightening and crumbling the buildings around him. He also notices that he has a boner.

He gets on his bicycle and rides until the outskirts of town. Outside of the city, trees have fallen on all the main roads making it impossible to pass on wheels. He gets off his bicycle and tries to make it through the forest slowly and stealthily. He starts to drift off and have sex dreams about the incident that cost him his job but snaps out of it just before a giant branch that breaks off a tree falls from high above. He dodges it, but then a real onslaught of falling branches starts. One tree drops a hornet nest and soon James is running for his life from falling trees and hornets scurrying downhill and a dirty rock avalanche starts chasing James until he runs off a cliff and pulls a Butch Cassidy/Apocalypto/The Fugitive and jumps off and dives into a lake.

He pops his head back out of the water and looks across the lake to see a giant automobile plant that says ‘Ashner Auto’ and looks elated. He starts swimming towards it but then hears the revving of a motorboat and looks up and sees a tree sitting in a speedboat coming right at him. There will shots to show the tree is controlling the speedboat by tightening its roots and vines which are tangled around the boat’s steering system. He swims up next to a rock and tricks the tree into driving into the rock and exploding with a nice glory shot of the flaming tree flying through the air and then one of those aftershock scares where the flaming pinecones all land afterwards and James has to dodge them.

He looks around a sees all the trees ominously standing around the lake and he shudders and gets swimming. He makes it to the other side of the lake where the big auto factory is. He starts pounding on the big steel doors and looking behind himself and every time he turns around a bunch of bushes have grown in closer. He starts panicking until eventually the doors open and some men in gas masks grab him and drag him inside and slam the doors. The men in masks drag him through some long corridors and through several decompression chambers and then put him sitting in a chair. One of the masked men stares at James’s boner which is visible in his pants and shakes his head and says “I never expected you to be my equal, but at least you’ve shown some sense in coming here.”

The man takes off his mask to reveal it is Christopher Plummer as James’s father, Robert. James greets him as his father and repositions himself to somewhat conceal that his dick is hard. The other scientists take off their masks and we go into exposition mode. They explain that the plants have been wearing us down for years to weaken us for their big attack. We learn that plants have been releasing chemicals into the air and water to change our biology. Plants have lowered our age of puberty and made us more horny but less fertile so that we just start screwing younger and become more preoccupied with screwing and fail to develop ourselves as threats to the plants, but also causing our population to shrink so in the end there will be fewer of us and the few who are left will be weaker.

James tears up and reflects with angst on his powerlessness to resist the girl who cost him his job. Robert tells James to man up and that this thing is much bigger than his silly hippy job; plants have been releasing chemicals into the air and water to influence our thoughts and have likely been responsible for changing the course world politics. James asks his father what they can do about it. Robert replies that they must fight back. James asks “But how?”

Robert explains while his team of two scientists nod in agreement “If the environment is influencing our thoughts and the world’s political agenda, first it got us to worry about destroying the ozone layer, and then what’s the one thing it keeps trying to get us to be weary of?”

James realizes out loud “The polar icecaps! The environment has something big up there and it’s been trying to make us afraid to damage it. It’s protecting itself.”

Robert exclaims “Bingo, kiddo! That’s what we’ve got to go after. But it’s our only hope.”

We cut to the group now in a massive garage laboratory, James notices he no longer has a boner because the air is being filtered in the auto factory. Robert and his team unveil their weapon to fight back against the environment: a fleet of the most heavy-polluting armoured hummer cars possible. They all have like six mufflers and pesticide spraying valves on the sides. James, Robert, and the two scientist engineers get one car each. They put their gas masks back on and the have Bluetooth devices to communicate.

We then get a ripoff of Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior where the convoy of hummers makes the trek north. We get more action sequences with trees piloting vehicles. This time a car chase in which some trees are driving convertible cars and one tree is driving and the other one has an uzi or something and fires it by tightening its vines around the trigger of the gun or whatever. They shoot the pesticide tanks on Robert’s car causing them to explode but not destroy the vehicle. The team decides to drive with Robert’s car in the middle from then on so that their pesticides will protect his car from plant attacks.

They then have to outdrive a giant tornado of leaves also.

After a long journey and a couple of action sequences they stop at McDonald’s for food. They all sit around eating the nice processed hormone-injected synthetic food and bonding ‘n shit. They’re talking all their strategy for their big showdown against Mother Earth when they notice the McDonald’s employee (special cameo by Paul Dano) is standing within earshot listening to them and they turn and look at him and see he is kind of nervous and he asks “You guys are going to get the environment?” and they all nod and say ‘yes’. Paul Dano tells them “Good. The environment killed my mum. Here, come with me.”

They go down to the storage basement of the McDonald’s and Paul Dano offers them all those old Styrofoam containers that McDonald’s used to serve food in and they load a couple of bags into their hummers and shake his hand and tell him to be strong and keep serving synthetic food. Paul Dano gets a little tear in his eye and says “Kill that damn environment. Kill it good.”

They drive off and now as they make their final portion of the journey through Iqaluit. It’s all creepy calm and foggy like we’re trying way too hard to evoke Apocalypse Now or something. They pass all sorts of dead people who have been choked to death by vines and whose dead bodies are petrified or covered in moss. The pesticide tanks spraying from the cars keep the plants at bay while they make their precarious passage.

They make it to the artic circle and the trees are all controlling a bunch of tanks and military vehicles to protect the ice caps. The four human hero characters drive around in circles with their exhaust systems shooting out the most smoke possible. They roll their windows down and let the McDonald’s containers fly out which temporarily blind the trees in the tanks and cause some of them to fall off the ice and into the icy water.

The exhaust smoke from their hummers as they drive around in circles burns a hole in the ozone layer. The ultraviolet rays begin to pierce through and the ice caps begin to melt rapidly.

Another onslaught comes from the environment when polar bears show up and seals start throwing themselves under the wheels of the hummers to act as speed bumps and throw the hummers off course. The hole they make in the ozone is really beginning to cook the ice caps and they melt away revealing the giant throbbing vagina of Mother Earth.

Robert proclaims “There it is boys, Mother Nature’s cooch! Hit her where it hurts! Full attack!”

They all flick switches to turn the exhaust smoke way up, but this burns their fuel faster. They have destroyed the fleet of tanks driven by trees and the polar bears lie dying one the ground as the ultraviolet rays form an intense laser frying up the cunt of Mother Earth off in the distance. They run out of fuel and all get out of their hummers to watch its dying moment as it sizzles up like a zeppelin-sized version of witch dying in The Wizard of Oz.

The ice cliff they are standing on starts to break a bit and they step back but then Robert realizes a plant that was clinging to the bottom of his hummer has wrapped around his leg and when the ice breaks and the hummer falls into the icy water it pulls him along. James runs out to the edge of the cliff but the two scientists restrain him and they look up to see their work is done. The ice cap has been melted and the ultraviolet rays have nuked Mother Earth’s cunt good. The other scientists console him by patting him on the back and his eyes tear up but with that look that he knows his dad died for a good cause.

We do a slow dissolve to the final scene, which will be sort of an homage to the final preachy scene in On Deadly Ground. James is dressed in a nice suit and has now taken over his father’s automobile company and is backstage at a big conference. Everybody gives him those nods of respect as he walks down the corridors making his way to the stage where an engineer is presenting the environmentally destructive car. One of the scientist guys stops James. The scientist guy introduces him to his young teenage daughter in slutty clothes and tells her James is a hero. James does not get flustered or even check her out like he couldn’t resist doing at the beginning of the film (this shows he’s grown as a character and overcome somethingorother). James’s focus stays on the scientist guy and just says something about how they all did it together.

James then goes out onto the stage at the conference to a huge round of applause. He steps up to the microphone and makes his big speech.

“For years we took a strategy of appeasement with the environment only to find we were getting soft for her ultimate attack. I say never again. Never again will we let forests grow unchecked. Never again will we let some unseen force tell us where we put our garbage. Never again will we let that bitch get a foothold on our species’ rightful dominant place on our planet. We punched Mother Earth in the twat. [applause] But her brain is still out there. She knows we’re finally fighting back and we know the worst is likely still to come. And we will endure it because we know what we fight for is worth it. As long as there are distinguishable seasons, we must fight. As long as natural disasters even think of threatening the glorious structures we place on Nature’s fault line, we must fight. As long as nature tries to sneak its way into our diet without being genetically modified and partially synthesized, we must fight. And to all you animals out there who thought you would fool us and guilt trip us by faking your extinction, we will find you.”

Cut to black.

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