FACEBOOK:
THE MUDERARTION OF BLOODIFIED KILLENINGS!
Becky Swordsmith (played by Jordana Brewster) is a Yale student who is captain of the
aggressive motocross polo team. This is
a sport consists of a bunch of chicks get on motocross bikes and wield hockey
sticks and try to knock a ball into a net.
In the opening scene her team wins the championship beating Harvard and
go out to celebrate at a bar.
Becky’s friend Mandy (played by Sophia Bush) shows
that she’s really extroverted and starts dancing around on the bar. Soon all the girls join for a Coyote Ugly-style
dance on the bar. Becky’s boyfriend,
Brad (played by the lead actor from Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift) comes
by and tries to get Becky to come home with him but she and the girls are
having too much fun. The goalie of the
team, Jetta (played by Christina Aguilera) makes fun
of Brad for being such a homebody. Brad
leaves and goes home sulking.
Becky and the girls continue to drink and party at the
bar all night and even though Becky is obviously intoxicated she decides to
drive home. She passes out at the wheel
and her car flies off the road and rolls down a hill. She wakes up the next afternoon upside down
in her destroyed car with only minor cuts and scrapes. She calls Annette (played by Mischa Barton) and leaves a message saying she needs ride
back to campus. Right after leaving the
message Annette text messages her back asking where she is. So Becky tries calling again but gets the
answering machine so she responds to the text with a text message saying where
she is.
Annette comes and picks her up but the whole ride back
whenever Becky asks her something Annette picks up her mobile phone and just texts
the answer even though they are sitting next to each other in the car.
Becky gets back to a bustling campus and takes a
shower in her dorm. This scene will be a
good five to ten minutes. While walking
around campus she sees Jetta and tries to talk to her
about the good times they had the night before, but Jetta
seems kinda awkward and says to text her later and
they’ll chat that way.
Becky goes to fencing club and asks where her partner,
Melina, is. The coach says she hasn’t
heard from her all week. Becky practices
her fencing moves on her own and then gets back to her dorm room and turns on
her computer. She has a message from
Melina, her fencing partner on her email saying that she should join Facebook. Becky
checks it out and starts filling out the online application but then says “Fuck
this shit. I hate these programs.” So she goes over to Melina’s dorm and pounds
on the door saying they need to talk about why she’s missing fencing practice,
but nobody answers. So Becky goes back
to her dorm to find a message on her email from Melina that just says “Help.”
But then the message disappears and is replaced with an email that says “This
message has been censored by Facebook”.
Becky goes to history class and sees Mandy and Jetta. Becky
suggests that they all go out and party, Jetta asks
if they’ve joined Facebook. Becky says she doesn’t like that stuff
because it’s antisocial. Jetta says it’s really great and that the only true way to
find out what music your friends like is by creating an online profile. Becky disagrees
saying that they could just hang out and talk about music and suddenly Jetta starts vomiting blood and speaking with a raspy voice
about how they must join or perish.
Mandy and Becky start asking Jetta what the
hell’s wrong with her and Jetta whips out a
switchblade and puts it to Becky’s throat and commands her to use her laptop
and create a Facebook profile now!
Mandy shoves a yard stick through Jetta’s
eye and she drops dead and Mandy says “Let’s get out of here.” So the two go back to
Becky’s dorm house. Becky says
she wants to go see if Melina is back in her room, but when Becky gets there
the door is unlocked and the room is completely empty with only a pamphlet
advertising Facebook left on the bed.
Becky starts asking around the dorm what happened to
Melina. The people around the dorm have
trouble making eye contact, and at first refuse to answer questions saying to
just send them an e- message and they’d be more comfortable answering
that. Becky pushes them for answers, but
everybody acts like Melina had never lived there and that nobody had ever been
in her dorm room.
Becky and Mandy go to Annette’s room and instead of
being mute like earlier she is now suddenly really outspoken and starts yelling
at Becky and Mandy about why they just won’t succumb to Facebook
and how their kind are an endangered species and soon they shall have no
choice.
Becky and Mandy decide to get off campus. Mandy says she left something in Becky’s room
so Becky waits for her to get it but she never comes back. So Becky goes to her room and just sees her
computer on with a message saying that Mandy has been added to Facebook with a picture of her looking serenely cheerful.
Becky picks up her fencing sword and heads out into
the corridor of the dorm but nobody is around.
Suddenly the chanting of “Join us!” starts but it seems to be coming
from nowhere. It keeps getting louder
and louder but Becky doesn’t see anybody.
She just bolts down the stairs and out the front door and hops on her motorcycle
and starts riding off the now deserted campus.
She sees her boyfriend, Brad, and pulls over and
starts screaming about how something bad is happening but he just stares at her
blankly and ultimately asks if he knows her.
She screams that of course he knows her,
they’ve been dating three years. He just
stares at her blankly and asks her if she is new to a Facebook
chat group if he maybe hasn’t added her as a “friend” yet. He goes on to elaborate about how all his
friends are on Facebook and if you’re not on Facebook then you must not be his friend. He then gets a blip on his mobile phone and
when he glances at it gets sucked into the phone. The phone hits the ground and the little
screen just displays the Facebook logo.
Becky starts speeding through the country roads and
stops at a small motel off the road and checks in and takes a shower in a scene
that will be even longer than the previous Jordana
Brewster shower moment and will be part homage to Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho
and part homage to nicely tanned ‘n toned bum.
When she gets out there are two men in her motel room and she lifts her
sword and tells them not to move any closer.
The first man identifies himself as ICQ (played by Keith David) and the
second as MSN (played by Nicholas Cage).
They tell her that they don’t want to hurt her.
MSN and ICQ tell her how long ago they both helped
people humour anti-social illusions of popularity and intimacy but understood
to let people have their real lives, too.
MSN says how then MySpace arrived and
everything turned into a brutal turf war.
They elaborate that Facebook lured them to a
meeting to discuss overthrowing MySpace and restoring
justice but once they arrived at the meeting place they saw MySpace
already in a cage and Facebook sprung a trap and
shackled them both as well. They tell
Becky how by the time the got free Facebook had
become too powerful and there was nothing they could do to stop him. But she could, and she must.
They present Becky with the Sword of Sociability, a
sword that had spent centuries adorning the most popular pub in
Becky hops on her motorcycle and starts to ride back
to campus to find a giant storm brewing for miles around the campus. When she finally arrives at the college she
finds the buildings are all destroyed with only a giant monolithic plaque the
size of a skyscraper featuring pained photos of all the souls that Facebook had trapped.
Then Lord Facebook (played by World Wrestling
Entertainment superstar Batista) rides out on a motorcycle. He is a huge muscular man who wears only a
loincloth, Viking boots, and has mask shaped like a book across his face. He declares that nobody can resist forever
and she will never see her friends again unless she joins Facebook.
Becky and Lord Facebook do a
couple rounds of jousting on their motorcycles until they both go flying off
their bikes and go into a sword battle.
Becky cuts off Lord Facebook’s head and turns
around to notice that in the giant crater where the library had been there was
a paper shredder. She force feeds the
head of Lord Facebook into the paper shredder and the
storm in the sky turns incredibly violent until ultimately the giant monolith
starts exploding and the people trapped inside are free.
Becky then raises the Sword of Sociability and
declares “NEVER AGAIN!” and lightening strikes the sword and it becomes
electric. She points the sword at a
nearby patch of land and a disco bar grows out of the ground and we cut to the
closing credits of all the girls dancing around Coyote Ugly-style on the
bar to ‘Humpin Around’ by Bobby Brown.
