Materiel
Girls
So I finally saw the Duff sisters big screen
collaboration over the weekend. The
title at the beginning of the film was Materiel Girls, but this film has
had several working titles such as Duff on Duff, Duff Squared, Double
Duff, Which One Would You Rather?, Too Duff, H. & H.
Duff, Duff to Duff, and Spike
Lee’s 2 Duffz R Mo’ Than Enuff. All I have to say is ‘wow!’ Things just got a lot simpler for you
screenwriters out there! You know how
you guys used to have to make choices about story and character? You used to ask yourself questions about your
characters’ motivations and what would occur next in the plot. Well, it turns out the answer to all your
questions is either Hillary or Haylie Duff, and both
answers are correct! This is way better
than the multiple choice action they pulled on me at that MCAT bullshit.
This movie is about two sisters played by Hillary and Haylie Duff. The
Duffs have inherited a cosmetics company from their dead father and they are
spoiled brats who live in a mansion. But
they really respect their dead father so whenever somebody tries to buy out
their company and give them 60 million dollars each they refuse.
Did I mention Hillary is a chemistry genius? Oh yeah, they mention that, but make it clear
that in
When they go to da club they
mention that they’ve got to meet up with Tara Reid. I figured this would be a cameo to make it
seem like the fictitious chemistry genius sisters that the Duffs were playing
were actually real. Ya
know, like when they have characters in movies get interviewed by the real
Larry King? But no! Tara Reid never shows up! You know you’re getting real Oscar bait when
Tara Reid declines to actually appear in a cameo in your movie. At this point in her career Tara Reid would
probably come to my birthday party but she won’t show up in this film. Why?
The answer: it’s either Hillary or Haylie
Duff, take your pick!
The sisters give a big speech at a gala and hand out
gift bags that all include mobile phones.
The phones have little televisions on them and even though the Duffs are
speechifying the crowd all
takes the phones out of the bags and starts watching television. They all go to the same channel and see that
somebody has exposed information about their company’s cosmetics causing disfiguration
to the media and their stock is plummeting.
The exposé is then broadcast on the wall
behind them so that everybody can shriek in horror! For some reason everybody starts running and
the sisters sprint through the streets with their business manager screaming
“WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!” behind them.
If you’re wondering why somebody would think you can physically outrun a
scandal like it was a bear or something the answer is Haylie
Duff.
The girls get home from da
club and accidentally set their mansion on fire. The blaze is a small fire in the middle of a
tiled floor, so how does it spread to engulf an entire mansion? The answer: Hillary Duff!
Even though Hillary’s character is a chemistry genius
she doesn’t understand the mechanics of fire.
When she sees a small fire burning as a result of some nail polish
remover spilling on a candle she doesn’t think to use a nearby sofa covering to
smother the blaze. Instead she bundles
the sofa covering up into a ball and throws it next to the fire and then throws
some chemicals at the cloth so that it gives the fire somewhere to spread
to. They then throw some more flammable
things at the blaze such as pillows and clothing. Hillary is obviously one of those chemistry
geniuses who gained her knowledge without ever using a Bunsen burner or
learning about combustion and stuff. She
must be so smart that she was able to skip Oxygen on the periodic table of
elements the way some kids got to skip fourth grade or whatever.
These girls don’t totally lose their heads in the
panic. They actually shout out “We’ve got to save daddy’s Tivo!” and they do.
Tivos are very sentimental things. The sisters later have to pawn a rare
bracelet that’s been in their family for generations, but they keep the Tivo. Anyway, they
scramble out of their mansion and drive away not bothering to call the fire
department.
So they move in with their maid, Inez, an elderly
Colombian woman who cleans floors but has a spacious two bedroom flat with
giant gold crosses all over the walls.
She has two beds in the spare bedroom.
She was hoping that her daughters would eventually sleep in those beds
but her daughters are still in
The Duffs decide to do some investigation about who’s
scandalizing their company. So they go
to their office and start digging through records. Even though they own the company they decide
to sneak in late at night and pick locks and do everything with
flashlights. They even sneak into their
own building by dressing up as maids complete with harsh makeup to make themselves
look Hispanic.
Why? Hillary
Duff!
They get some help from a Mexican guy who works
there. For no reason while they’re
looking at business records the Mexican guy just screams “WE GOTTA GET OUT OF
HERE!” You never see guards coming or a
bomb ticking but the music picks up and so they all scramble around to get out
of the building. Then the Mexican
screams “ROTTWIELERS!” and suddenly the outside of the building is surrounded
by Rottwielers.
The Mexican reveals that his magic Mexican power is….and I’m not
shitting you….being able to jump fences!
So they jump the fence and outrun the Rottwielers
like they were a scandal or something.
Then they try to do more investigating and Hillary
gets caught and thrown in jail. I never
thought I’d see a movie where Hillary Duff ended up in a jail cell full of bulldykes,
usually that’s Lindsay Lohan’s turf. While in jail, Hillary gets to talking with
the hookers about their choice of cosmetics and how they should use better
quality products because it’s damaging their skin. My thoughts as to what’s making whores’ skin
look rough? Getting bitchslapped and jizzed on. But I’m no chemistry genius.
Hillary gets the idea to create a line of skin care
that a hooker can afford. She develops
these products with the Mexican guy who is also a chemistry genius. They hang out in the lab and shoot out some
Grade 10 chemistry chat and then smooch tenderly amongst the beakers. I’m not kidding. The jail, the bulldyke
hookers, the Mexican science lab of love, everything I mentioned in this paragraph
really happens in this movie. How? Hillary Duff!
There’s also a love plotline for Haylie. She finds love with a lawyer who helps them
sue the mole destroying their company’s reputation. The lawyer is one of these poor lawyers who
works for poor people and has morals and stubble and honourable stuff like that
so at first he rejects Haylie because she’s rich and
lives in a mansion. Then Haylie tells him that she remembers growing up in a slummy
townhouse where her father, a struggling chemist, developed his line of beauty
products in the back yard. She mentions
that her mother, a supermodel, deserted them and lives in
I also really like the idea of a “struggling
chemist”. Normally movies about little
flawed people struggling to bring life to their big dreams are athletes or
artists, not people who have several tens of thousands of dollars in education
behind them. Besides, that’s kind of a
weird dream for a man to have, making cosmetics? I really hope they make a prequel film
showing the father struggling to make better lipstick in the backyard while his
supermodel wife tries to make ends meet to feed her two daughters. I’d love to see Mark Wahlberg
in that role. I think the training
montage should be done to the song “Bootylicious”
covered by the Duff sisters.
I’m really surprised you’ve actually read this much of
this review. So if you are actually
considering seeing this film I’d like to warn you about a few more things. There are some real directorial problems in
this film. It seems like they forgot to
film stuff a lot of the time. There lots
of little shots that seem to be missing. Stuff like one character going to get
something, but the camera just stays in the same place while the character
wanders off screen and you just look at the characters left on screen tapping
their toes or rolling their eyes for a few awkward moments. There’s also some
scenes where people talk but they only filmed one side of the conversation and
so you just get the audio of somebody off screen talking. Normally this is done to create a mysterious
vibe, but in the case of Materiel Girls I think the editor was just lazy
or something.
I also want to warn you Star Trek fans that
Data The Robot is in this film. What’s even sadder is that he’s really
acting. He’s got all the mannerisms of
his character down pat and is emoting perfectly. I wouldn’t even fucking shave to be in this
film let alone learn my lines and really play them. I don’t watch Star Trek, but my buddy
who likes it recognized the actor and it made him cry to see him reduced to doing
this for work.