Danica Fuckin’ Patrick:
Crossing the Motherfuckin’ Line
I decided to read Danica Patrick’s autobiography, Danica:
Crossing the Line, in hopes of learning about the Indy car racing sport and
a I thought the life story of a cool chick race car driver would be good
times. But I had no idea what I was in
for. This Danica chick is as amazing on
the page as she is on the track.
Danica talks exactly like you’d expect a racecar
driver to talk. She speaks like a Nike
commercial, but she does it for over 200 pages.
Danica claims that she was raised in an atheist family, but I’m guessing
they replaced philosophy from any religion with the text from No Fear
shirts. Danica speaks in a non-stop
onslaught of slogans that would probably exhaust Vince Lombardi.
I’d love to be like that. I’d like to answer everything with “Second
place is first loser.” Or if somebody
asked me to pass the salt I could say “Enough is not enough.” Or describe completing everyday tasks such as
doing the dishes by saying “I took it to the limit and then some.”
Danica writes an entire multi page section describing
her strong handshaking technique. She
then goes on to cover the more advanced topic of eye contact. She describes how she “really values intense
eye contact” in a way that most people would say they value their health or
family. I’ve made eye contact a couple
times and found it fairly rewarding but I haven’t really ever tried this
“intense eye contact” that Danica spends pages praising.
Couple that intense eye contact with a firm handshake
and I’m sure even Clint Eastwood would explode when you met him. I watched all those cowboy movies and Clint
was big on intense eye contact but never notched up the intimidation with a
strong handshake, he usually just shot motherfuckers
to shit.
In that same chapter Danica describes her “race face”,
which is her process of brow furrowing, jaw clenching and involves some eye
narrowing and posturing. She’s really
proud of this look she’s cultivated and includes some photos of herself performing her “race face”. She says she finds it hurtful when people
interpret her “race face” as a scowl.
Krzysztof Kieslowski encountered the same problem when he made his ten
short films The Decalogue which were ten hour long films showing how
complicated it was to apply the Ten Commandments to modern ethical
dilemmas. He was criticized by the left
as being to compromised but also criticized by the Catholic church
for being too interpretative with scripture.
It sucks when artists who cultivate their craft are misunderstood. However Danica has a lot more fans and
endorsements than Picasso ever got during his lifetime.
But Danica’s “race face” is
just part of her public persona. What
really motivates Danica is a need for speed.
She describes this a lot. She loves going fast. She also throws out lots of love for
furiousness including an awesome story where some asshole drove her off the
track and she jumped out of the flaming wreck of her car and chased him down on
foot to beat him up.
Danica admits that she’s not that complicated a
woman. And that’s good for a
professional racecar driver because your motivation has to be a simple need for
acceleration. But I think Danica is
selling herself a bit short. Aside from
her creative endeavours such as her “race face” she is also a cinephile. She
describes a dark period in her life when she switched from watching Adam Sandler comedies to much darker materiel. She gives the example of Cruel Intentions
as being one of the morbid films she examined during her period of self-doubt
and loneliness.
I had a lot of questions about professional racecar
driving and that’s why I read this book.
I was wondering how you get into the sport. With basketball it’s pretty obvious: you play
at a high school or at a local court and some scout notices you and you get a
scholarship and end up in some sort of interpersonal conflict with Nick Notle.
But how do you get noticed as a racer? You can’t just leadfoot
around town and hope somebody notices you and offers you a job doing it
professionally. All you’ll get is a
ticket. It turns out that in
Danica also talks about how the whole team (the
engineer, the sponsor, the coach, the spotter, the mechanics, the pit crew) all fit together in a race. She gives us some insights that I wasn’t aware
of before reading this amazing book.
Unfortunately she does not cover her appearance in a Jay-Z music video. Maybe Jay will cover that in his
autobiography, I doubt it, but I’ll still read it. Danica does talk
about her appearance in FHM magazine and says that she wants to pose for Vogue
next. She even makes an open plea to
Anna Wintour.
Good luck with that, Danica.
Danica is full of
motivation and I say this in all sincerity, she gave me a lot of encouragement. Danica talks a lot
about living your dreams. I have this
dream where I go to see a play and it turns out that actors on stage are acting
out my life. This begins to freak me out
and eventually the actors who are playing people from life start looking and
talking right at me in the audience and I start interacting with them. I get on stage and give a big angry monologue
and pick up stage prop weapons and start killing the other actors for real. I ultimately end up chopping off the head of
the actor playing me and then I look out at the audience and see that it is
filled with the real people from my life who were being portrayed by the actors
I just murdered. I then pick up a sword
and kill myself sepicu style and the whole crowd gets
up and gives a standing ovation. These
aren’t the types of dreams Danica is talking about
living. I just want to make that
clear. She means, like, pursue your
goals ‘n stuff.
Danica thinks in most
linear fashion possible, which might be why she considers herself
uncomplicated. When she gets on a topic
she writes on it for several pages. She
talks about confidence, determination, ambition etc.
and goes beyond just defining them, when that bad hip of hers gives her too
much trouble to continue racing I think she should retire to writing for
dictionaries. Hearing her describe
determination as an idea seemed kinda silly for the
first two paragraphs but after that I just got into the momentum of her writing
style to the point where I was determined to determine my determination and
determinate the indeterminable!
I can see myself returning to this text for
inspiration time and again throughout my life.
Danica offers lots of other advice for all aspects of your life. Danica even throws in some romance tips for
all you bachlorette racecar drivers out their racing
the lonely hearts circuit.
Danica Fuckin’ Patrick talks
about how now that she is a role model for so many little girls that she omits
her middle name and just goes by Danica Patrick, even though it sounds less
aggressive. I highly recommend Danica:
Crossing the Motherfuckin’ Line (Danica:
Crossing the Line,
I think it goes without saying that when they make Crossing
the Mutherfuckin’ Line: The Danica Fuckin’ Patrick Story: The Mutherfuckin’
Ass-Kickin’ Movie – based on a true fuckin’ story that they should cast Jordana
Brewster as Danica. They’ve both got the
same dark hair, dark eyes slim figure package (i.e. perfection) and Jordana has plenty of experience standing around cars from
her work in The Fast and The Furious. If they do that I’ll buy that fucking movie
sight unseen. Fuck, I’ll direct it for
free!
Danica’s story is one
that everybody can relate to with ease.
Her arguments as to why you should be determined and her value of hard
work and maintaining of a positive attitude is truly an inspiration, making
this the best sports autobiography I’ve ever read.
Danica, if you’re
reading this by any chance, I want you to know that you’ve got a fan in
me. I support you on and off the track
in your racing and in your appearances in Jay-Z videos. Keep up the good work and I know you’ll win
the Indy 500 eventually!