A Colder War

So this is the expanded treatment for an Oleg adventure called A Colder War. It has been adapted from a treatment from my Oleg brother Ironic Name. He is an Australia visual arts genius who may someday turn this into a what is referred to as a ‘graphic novel’ in some circles or an ‘epic pamphlet’ in others. I know what you’re thinking, I made a graphic novel myself, therefore I can make more. Well, this guy is a better drawingist than I am and I think he would do a much better job. I wrote shit here that I don’t think I’d be that good at drawing myself. He seems to feel that my interpretation of his original treatment is very different than what he had in mind. Which is good because these guys who read comic books love to whine about how somebody’s original vision isn’t being honoured. It gives a work more cache. Fuck, Wolverine: The Movie made more money Saudi Arabia so I think dudes fucking up each other’s ideas is actually key to success in this industry. That’s why that dumptruck full of cash hasn’t pulled up to my home for Kingdom of Hell yet, it was all my vision.

Anyway, I sought to write an adventure as big as Oleg. A daunting task. I’ve been writing the Oleg character for over a year now. I am working out the Two-Lane Blood-Top comic (yes, Chapter 2 is on its way) and have written many episodes for Moscow Undercover Nights, a buddy cop television serial in which Oleg is the star. So I feel comfortable writing this character at this point and that this story stays true to his Marxist beliefs and adaptability and overcominginess and improvitude.

Chapter 1

The pre-title chapter will feature Oleg personally winning World War 2. It starts off with Oleg in an airplane flying over Eastern Germany. Oleg is getting ready to jump out, holding an axe.

A little Red Army guy is talking to Oleg and asks “Are you sure all you need is that axe? Don’t you at least want a Kalashnikov or a Stolichnaya?”

Oleg says “I am armed not only with an axe, but with the righteousness of Lenin and [Oleg reveals that he also has a framed photograph tucked into his tunic. It is his twin sister Olga (Milla Jovovich)] with the love of my twin sister, Olga. But thank you for offering.”

Oleg jumps out of the plane and lands in a forest where a platoon full of Nazis are standing. Oleg quickly chops them up with his axe. But as he chops them up the axe breaks and he looks at the handle and sees that it is stamped ‘Made In Tajikstan’ and curses. Then notices a Nazi standing off 20 feet away with a rifle aimed right at Oleg’s head. Oleg is standing with a broken axe in a pile of chopped up Nazis. The Nazi guy has the upper hand.

The Nazi guy coyly says “Soviet swine, you know Karl Marx was German?”

Oleg whips the framed photo of his sister like a ninja star into the Nazi’s jugular.

Oleg says “So were you.”

Oleg thunders through the forest and makes his way to Hitler’s bunker and kicks down the door which crushes some Nazi dude who was standing on the other side.

Oleg looks shocked and we cut to Hitler holding a pistol to his own head. Hitler says “You’ve come for me, you want your prize. Killing me would be your consummating act of war. But I shall deprive you of your wargasm. I shall put blue balls on the red menace.”

Oleg sneers “All it takes to shake that off is a cold shower.”

Hitler retorts “Pity for you, there is no such thing as a cold war.”

Hitler shoots self. Oleg looks crestfallen and slinks solemnly back through the German countryside heading against the flow of gallant Red Army soldiers streaming by him. He then sees his twin sister Olga coming over the hill with a little Ukrainian strapped to her body. Oleg motions to the Ukrainian saying “Olga, you don’t need that protective vest anymore, the war is over.” Olga cuts the Ukrainian off her body and shoos it “Back to Ukraine, we’re going to need to victory bread.”

Olga turns back to Oleg and says “You are a great hero, brother. In Moscow they will honour you.” The two embrace in a bloody field of dead dismembered Nazis. And we cut to a big ceremony in Red Square that looks like the end of Star Wars when they get the medals all pinned on them.

There are two giant gold statues of Stalin holding up a giant banner of Stalin and the real Stalin is standing in front of the banner on a stage holding a small statue of himself. He addresses the crowd.

“My diligent proletariat, we were victorious today. Thanks to our breeding quota programs over the past ten years we had more bodies than the Germans had bullets. But our strength not only comes from our numbers. And so today I wish to reward Oleg for having the strength of many.”

Stalin nails the little statuette of himself into Oleg’s chest like a medal, and Oleg salutes him. The crowd, including Olga applaud.

Stalin continues to address the crowd “We will bring our superior social order to Germany. We will let them know that not only is big brother watching you, but also all your other siblings, who may in fact be well-placed KGB operatives, and you will be watching yourself in a house of mirrors through a microscope. And snipers will be watching from a short distance, with secondary snipers watching them and each other.”

The crowd applauds and we cut to an evening cocktail party inside the Kremlin later that evening. Stalin and Churchill are carving up a cake shaped like Germany. General Grebishnikov nods approvingly in the background. Oleg is dancing with a bear while his comrades play the balalaika when Oleg sees a beautiful woman soldier across the room wink at him. Oleg follows her out of the room as Stalin and Grebeshnikov watch.

Oleg follows the woman into a secluded bedroom where he looks at her says “I don’t believe my eyes…Irina? I haven’t seen you since we worked as junior gulag helpers. Remember how they used to make the prisoners act as the pieces in games of chess? It taught me the importance of keeping the surplus population low, as well as strategy. But mostly, Irina, I remember you.”

Irina opens her military tunic and says “Oleg, love me.”

Oleg starts having sex with her and then notices that her arms and legs grip incredibly tightly around his body. Then her eyes glow like a Terminator and her head pops off revealing she is a cyborg and her neck is a small hose that start spewing nitrous gas into the air until an ice cube forms around Oleg who is trapped inside.

Stalin and Grebeshnikov enter the room and observe the ice cube. Grebeshnikov turns to Stalin and says “It was the right thing to do, it was predicted that he could overthrow you.”

Stalin turns to Grebeshnikov and says “Rasputin talked a lot of shit. But better to be paranoid than penetrable, that’s what my mum always said.”

We get a shot of Oleg in the ice cube in mid-fuck with the Irinabot and the title ‘A Colder War’ in the foreground.

Chapter 2

We’re in a Chinese military industrial complex in present day where a group of Chinese soldiers are thawing out Oleg. They are going at his ice cube with hair dryers and ice picks, but instead of labels that say ‘Made In China’ it just says ‘Made Here’ on everything. They’ve got the block of ice cleared away from the top half of Oleg’s head.

A dorky Chinese military guy, Captain Lee, greets Oleg. “Welcome to the new age, Oleg. Our Special Tactical Auction Attack Force was able to outbid Dubai on eBay and as a result you are now a possession of the People’s Government of the People’s Republic of China. We are very optimistic and have already left positive feedback for your seller, although we suspect he padded shipping costs. No bother, my wife did the same with her brazier during our courtship and our marriage has been a fruitful one. We have one child, we are tied with everybody else in our region for largest family.”

While Lee blathers on the soldiers continue to chip away at Oleg ice. Lee reveals a large easel containing a series of diagrams. The first one is of Chairman Mao planting a seed shaped like China in the ground. Lee explains “Communism helped plant the seed for China’s future. But we must now grow out of communism to achieve the next level of social development. To do that, the seed needs to be fertilized.”

Lee flips to the next diagram which depicts the USSR as a sickly donkey crapping out an Oleg-shaped turd onto the ground where the seed of China is. Lee looks at Oleg with a pleased expression “You shall be the glorious steaming turd that will nourish us and we will grow to into a strong empire.”

Lee flips to the final drawing showing China has grown from a seed into a tree which has Uncle Sam, Kim Jong Il, and the Dali Llama all hanging by nooses from the branches. Lee elaborates “We shall have enterprises and socialites as Karl Marx intended when he wrote the revised edition of Das Kapital in 1996.”

Oleg breaks free from the ice exclaiming “I am the turd of no aspiring bourgeoisie empire! I am Oleg!”

Oleg breaks icicles off himself and jabs them into all the soldiers in the room. Oleg then flips the Irina robot so that he is holding it like a gun and uses the neck stump to shoot gaseous nitrogen at Lee freezing him until he is an ice sculpture like the T-1000. A group of Chinese soldiers burst into the room with machine guns and Oleg whips the Irina robot at them and its limbs grip around them restraining them like a lasso. Oleg still has frost on his body and Oleg’s teeth chatter as he tries to warm up and he coughs up ice cubes.

We cut to the control room where a soldier addresses General Tsao (who sits in a big chair and strokes a chicken like how Blofeld strokes his pet cat) “General Tsao, Oleg has escaped the People’s Defrosting Room of The People’s Government of the The People’s Republic of China.”

General Tsao strokes his chicken and says “This is an act of defiance against the people. Oleg will help us whether he wants to or not. Call out the cavalry.”

We cut back to Oleg as he runs down the corridor naked snapping the odd guard’s neck until he makes it out to a big walled-in courtyard. Soldiers start piling out into the courtyard until they are in a semi-circle facing Oleg who is naked and unarmed with his back to the wall. Oleg surveys that he is grossly outnumbered and unarmed and then aims his dick at the Chinese soldiers and starts shooting icecubes at them that flying through them like machine gun bullets.

After wasting dozens of soldiers with his dickcubes Oleg looks around at the courtyard covered in dead bloody soldiers. We cut to a Sergio Leone shot of a white man with icy blue eyes looking at Oleg’s dick from a distance and saying to himself “Now there’s a proper shooter!”

Then an ominous rumble and more Chinese soldiers start filling the courtyard, only they are the cavalry who ride on giant chickens. General Tsao addresses Oleg over the loudspeaker “Those men you just killed were from villages scheduled for demolition. I fed them to you to test your abilities. But this is my special cavalry division. You will not escape them. Now come back inside and listen to reason.”

Oleg tries shooting them with more dickcubes but his dick is tapped and just dribbles snow flakes onto the ground. Then the crowd of soldiers starts exploding and General Tsao looks panicked and surprised. We cut to a wide shot revealing that the white man eyeing Oleg’s dong was actually piloting a harrier jet which is shooting missiles and wasting General Tsao’s cavalry resulting in giant pieces of fried chicken and blood and human heads flying through the air.

The harrier jet lowers itself and the pilot, a Daniel Craig type in a tuxedo, pulls the bag out of his tea which is in a little cup holder and flings it over the edge of the cockpit. Oleg uses the tea bag to pull himself up onto the wing of the harrier jet. Oleg grips onto the wing and the jet flies away. Oleg is clinging naked to the wing of the jet as it flies through the night sky.

The pilot introduces himself to Oleg “Jolly good show Oleg! I can see why mum has her eye on you. I’m special agent John Spitfire from M.I. 5.5. When I’m not on her Majesty’s Secret Service, I’m on the chesterfield watching the punters. [winks at Oleg] That’s just a joke to break the ice, mate. [looks at Oleg still partially covered in frost] But I reckon you’ve broken enough ice for us both, my son.”

John Spitfire continues “You’ll really like mum. She sees a lot of potential in you.”

Oleg is confused “What are you talking about? My mother died years ago using a landmine as a table on which to armwrestle gypsies.”

Spitfire answers “For heaven’s sake, mate. Not your mum, the big mum. I’m talking about Lizzie, The Queen. She got it all planned out for you mate. First your going to be on Big Brother: Weapons of Mass Destruction Edition. That’ll be a toss for an old pro such as yourself. You’ll just have to survive elimination in a house with a nuclear warhead, a bunch of Al Qaida unmentionables, and a bag of anthrax.”

Oleg is disgusted “Your Western idea of education is pitiful, I already survived such feats of strength and will in kindergarten.”

Spitfire replies “Of course you did, my son. That’s why we’re already planning beyond. [winks] You’ll go on to have a proper role on Hollyoaks: War Zone and a slot as a guest judge on Britain’s Got Rage. We’ve even got your autobiography all penned and ready for the presses. Same bloke who wrote Abi Titmuss’s. Guaranteed best-seller, mate. Top of the bloody pops you’ll be.”

Oleg seems confused “So British intelligence is now just a talent management agency for entertainers?”

Spitfire confidently agrees “The best in the world I might add. Look mate, when you win the Eurovision song contest you’ll be the most powerful bloke on God’s green Earth. And we’re willing to back you all the way to that end. Full suite at Buckingham palace, personal manager, quality time with Lucy Pinder, vocal training, everything. All mum wants is that you remember her kindly when you make it to the top.”

Oleg calmly says “I have no desire to be your performing monkey. Besides, [looks down] this is my stop.”

Oleg lets go of the jet wing and falls down below. Spitfire curses “Bloody hell.”

Oleg falls through the clouds and lands in Lenin’s mausoleum in Red Square. He falls through the ceiling and crushes a guard who is inside. Oleg takes the guard’s clothes and puts them on. Oleg stands up and apologizes to Lenin’s corpse “I apologize comrade Lenin.” Oleg walks outside and sees that Moscow has become whorish.

He walks through Red Square. In his mind he was just there yesterday, but many decades have passed. There are neon lights everywhere. He sees all sorts of youths all in radically different fashions. He sees American tourists posing for photos next to Stalin’s headstone. He walks down Tverskaya street looking increasingly disgusted and confused by what he sees. Political icons used as meaningless fashion symbols. Posters of Lenin, Marx and Engells posing like The BeeGees in white suits. He sees a youth couple, the boy in an American flag t-shirt and the girl with a big red star on her grey short-shorts and they are snogging up against a poorly maintained statue of Lenin. He passes people wearing I heart NY shirts drinking out of Che Guevara coffee mugs. Youngsters with Yuri Gagarin t-shirts and cowboy hats and union jack shorts. All sorts of tacky overwhelming billboards for stupid products and neon signs and noise overwhelm all Oleg just like they did when he fought Apollo Creed in ROCKY 4. Oleg falls to his knees and mutters to himself “My…. capitalism-resistance training….did not…adequately prepare me for….” Oleg ultimately passes out on the street.

The crowd of people in their modern diverse fashions all tread all over Oleg’s limp body until a very old babushka lady stops and looks down at him. She says “No, it can’t be.” The old woman is his sister Olga. “Brother? Is that you?”

A Colder War
Chapter 3

We cut between shots of Oleg in Olga’s apartment unconscious having a fever dream and the dream itself in which Oleg, Olga, and Irina are all children frolicking about at the gulag. Ultimately Oleg snaps out of his dream when he smells a warm cup of kvass that Olga has made for him.

Olga is an old babushka lady who lives in an apartment decorated in Russky kitsch such as matroushkas and cheap wall tapestries with designs of cats. The place is overrun by cats to which Olga tends.

Olga tells Oleg “Oleg, drink the kvass, it will help you regain your strength.”
Oleg shudders “I don’t know if I will ever know true strength again. I have been frozen in ice, defenceless as a Pollack for the last 70 years.”

Olga disagrees “But even in that block of ice you were still more powerful than most fully mobile men. Look, I kept a journal…”

Olga starts flipping through a scrapbook of newspaper clippings and photos of Oleg in his icecube over the years. She flips through the pages and narrates to Oleg “See, here Comrade Khrushchev positioned your icecube in Cuban and made the Americans shit their pants. They called it The Cuban Oleg Crisis. And look here. You were the first man in space, but because you had no pulse at the time the world did not recognize it so the credit went to a chimp on board. Here is your icecube being paraded through red square in 1976 as part of our annual celebration of military technologies. After that you were given as a goodwill gift to Eric Honaker and he kept your cube in his living room as a decoration. He was said to have eaten every day in that room admiring you. He ultimately died of cancer. You were returned to Russia and here is past President Boris Yeltin standing atop your cube in an act of protest outside the duma. Then as a concession to the START 2 mutual disarming treaty with the Americans you were sold off to the Chinese in an auction. You have lived a wonderful life my brother.”

Oleg hangs his head “I dreamed the dream of communism, I served it in my slumber, and I awoke to the nightmare of capitalism.”

Olga’s cats are crawling all over the fucking place but there are three especially large cats who are just watching attentively.

Olga pleads with Oleg “Oleg, we tried to keep the west out for as long as we could. We tried to build a special society, we were able to resist the allure of the music of Abba. But ultimately we faltered and now there’s no going back.”

Oleg flexes his biceps “I’ve got any arms race beat right here! Why didn’t they unfreeze me?”

Olga says “The weapons of the bourgeoisie are so discreet in their charm. They are salty and delicious and downloadable. They cannot be stopped.”

Oleg notices Olga’s television because it is suddenly addressing him personally. He sees an image of himself shagging an anime-type vixen with purple hair and huge boobs on the ground in front of Mount Fuji while she cries his name with joy. They finish ravishing each other and the vixen says “Oh Oleg, I’m so glad you did not cooperate with those evil Chinese. You can live marvellous supereleaxing modern lifestyle here in Japan.”

Oleg sees a pair of footprints leading from Olga’s open window to behind the television. Oleg stands up and can see that it isn’t a television show, but a Japanese man crouching behind the television and moving an action toy of Oleg and the vixen like puppets inside the television.

Oleg punches the television out of the way and Japanese diplomat scrambles to his feet and introduces himself “Greetings Oleg, I am Mister Tanaka from the Japanese embassy. I bring you a superamazing offer. We understand you find meaning in labour and we believe ourselves to have a similar mindset. Our desire is for you to wear a dinosaur costume and demolish various areas so that our youth can rebuild them, thus bringing honour to their families and to our nation’s employment statistics. For this most wonderful serivce you shall receive delicious tasty mayonnaise as well as superfashionable seductive automobiles and fivestar supergold romantic massage-”

The three large cats that really stood out in Olga’s apartment all stand up and point pistols at the Japanese diplomat. They pull off the cat costumes and reveal that they were Chinese agents disguised as cats. The lead Chinese agent says “You Japanese, always stealing from us. Oleg is the property of the People’s Republic of Trans-Communistic China and he shall return there with us.”

A bunch of Japanese schoolgirls with big assault rifles all pop into the room through the doors and windows and aim their guns at the Chinese agents. Diplomat Tanaka coyly says to the Chinese agents “It seems this time, we outnumber you.”

We then hear from a megaphone coming through the window “This is the Moscow Militia, Oleg was sold to China on the condition that he never return to Russia. You broke the terms and conditions of the sale. Oleg is ours again now. All foreign agents please remove your bulletproof vests and come out now for peaceful extradition.”

One of the Chinese agents says “Fuck that, you’re coming with us.”

Olga cries “No, my brother has returned to his motherland.”

The Chinese agent tells Olga “Shut up!” and shoot at her but one of Olga’s cats jumps and takes the bullet for Olga. Olga cries “Puuuuuuuuuushhhhhhkiiiiiinnnn! Nyyyyeeeeeettttt!”

The cats all pounce on the Chinese agent who shot one of them.

All hell breaks loose. The Japanese and the Chinese start shooting each other while the cats pounce on all of them. Oleg kicks one of the Chinese agents so that he falls onto Tanaka and his bayonet pierces Tanaka and the two fall through the window and land on the Russian SWAT team below who then just start firing and turning the apartment into Swiss cheese. Oleg’s head starts ringing and a little electronic voice in his head says “Target Number One: Ikuta Tanaka: Killed. Proceed to next target.” Oleg shakes his head and goes to escape the burning apartment with Olga.

More Chinese agents show up on the roof above and start shooting at the SWAT team below, more Japanese schoolgirl warriors show up to shoot at them, more cats show up to eat everybody, the whole blocks goes up flames. Oleg and Olga flee jaunting across rooftops.

When they think they’ve cleared the mayhem Oleg tells Olga “I must get to America, I must fight capitalism on its own turf.”

Olga says “That’s madness! People are all just a bunch of individuals now. There is no uniting them. The Cold War is over. You don’t have to be a weapon anymore, you can just be a man.”

Oleg looks off into the distance to see a lone Chinese agent who looks like a real badass (Jet Li). Oleg tells Olga “Get out of here.”

The two fight. The Chinese Agent swings a kick at Oleg’s head but Oleg headbutts his foot causing his leg to bend backwards on itself. The agent does a twirl while amputating his own broken leg so that it flies through the air and hits Oleg in the stomach knocking him to the ground. They roll around choking each other until they ultimately both end up tumbling off the roof together. The Chinese agent splatters all over the street below but Oleg falls into a dump truck. Closeups of Oleg show he is only semi-conscious with his eyes half shut and his vision blurry. The electronic voice keeps coming out of his head keeps telling him things like “Proceed to next target.” And “Remapping route.”

The dump truck stops at the docks and starts emptying its contents which happen to be piles of hookers and Oleg into a big crate. Some workers hammer the crate shut and we cut to a longshot showing the crate is marked:

CONTENTS: GRADE ‘B’ SLUTS [3 TONS]
DESTINATION: MONTREAL, CANADA

The crate is loaded onto a boat.

Chapter 4


A graphic user interface is blocking out Oleg’s vision because it is part of the computer the Chinese installed in his brain before he awoke from unthawing. The interface is like a facebook type screen showing his iFriends as Chairman Mao and various high ranking Chinese intelligence officials. A little YouTube type video is playing of General Tsao stroking his chicken and addressing Oleg “Oleg, congratulations! You have killed one of your main targets. The Japanese makes us so uncomfortable the way they go about being a foreign country and all. You have helped ease us in that respect. And you have made your way to North America and have managed to do so without the usual lengthy process of getting the Mosaad to create a false identity as an academic. Good job.”

Oleg is lying on a conveyor belt smacking at his head trying to get rid of the visions of General Tsao but he keeps on blathering “You are well on course to eliminating your ultimate target and helping The People’s Post-Communist Republic of China enlighten the world through domination. Keep up the good work. We’ll be watching.”

The transmission ends and Oleg can see again. He sees the crate of sluts he was in being emptied onto a conveyor belt. The crate has been stamped to indicate that it has cleared Canadian customs. He looks down the conveyor belt to see it is an assembly line where sluts go through a number of transformations at the hands of a group of male technicians who are all dressed in bondage version of Mountie costumes. The technicians enhance the women’s breasts by stuffing them with poutine (a local dish made of chips/French fries and gravy with cheese curds) and then the women are sprayed with a bright orange tan and then given makeup and costumes and then the conveyor belt sends them into a dark chute.

Oleg gets up off the conveyor belt and wanders by a bondage Mountie guy stirring a giant vat of maple syrup that is connected to a vast pipeline network. There is a tree growing right inside the building which is being tapped for the maple syrup. The bondage guy says “Hey, quoi fais-tu, Pontiac? Ma fille a payé quatre milles dollars pour cette qualité de mishou! Aie gratitude! »

Oleg does a quick ninja move and knocks the guy into the vat of maple syrup. He looks in the vat to see the guy is jammed up in some gears inside and Oleg says “You would make an inferior topping for my village’s pancake festival.” and proceeds out the door and into the stands of a big thunderdome type arena. It is here where the sluts enter like gladiators in fetish outfits such as beaver fur thongs and wearing polar beat claws like gloves and fight each other using hockey sticks as swords in a big tub of maple syrup. None of the men in the crowd are really watching because they’re all looking down at their blackberries ‘n shit.

Oleg looks around, he sees a scoreboard with details about the gladiator match and it also says HOURS SINCE LAST RIOT: 8

Oleg makes his way through the stands of men who are just looking at the blackberries. The buzzings of the computer in his brain are really annoying him. We also cut back to the prep room to show the vat of maple syrup is sparking and bucking violently because of the man jammed inside.

Oleg sees a food concession stand selling smoked meat sandwiches. Oleg pushes by the standkeeper. We cut back to a bunch of the technicians all gathered around the syrup vat as smoke pours out of it. We cut back to Oleg who now has a microwave on his head like a hat and is holding three steel forks each hand which he is about to jam into two power bars worth of electricity outlets. General Tsao’s voice from Oleg’s head begs Oleg not to do it “Oleg that wouldn’t be wise!”

Oleg rebukes “I will silence you like a subversive author!”

But then the jammed syrup vat causes a blackout in the stadium before Oleg can electrocute himself. Tsao taunts him “Not so easy! Ha! Ha! Ha! Besides, even if you deactivate the instant messaging system and GPS, I can still trigger a bomb implanted in your skull. So finish your tasks, Oleg.”

A riot breaks out flooding out into the streets. Oleg stumbles out into the snowy Montreal streets with the microwave on his head and is immediately flipped onto the hood of a speeding Mercedes, the driver of which is an aging hipster dude with slicked back hair snorting cocaine off the steering wheel while twittering on a blackberry in one hand and with the other hand playing a Wii racing game on a television sitting in the passenger’s seat. The driver gets a message on his blackberry saying ‘Saw yor ride on trafficstalker.com whos the dude on yor car?’ and he looks up at Oleg before crashing into a bunch of other cars.

Oleg is flipped onto the street and the car is a wreck. The driver gets out and picks up one of the hub caps (which are diamond-encrusted in the shaped of a Fleur De Lis) and yells at Oleg “Shitfuckall! Do you know how much these hubs cost? It was most expensive rimjob I’ve ever paid for! And in this town, that’s saying something! I’ll make you pay you little donkey shit covered piece of monkey shit!”

Then a canister of tear gas fires right into the driver’s face crushing his skull and leaving him dead and Oleg sees that the Montreal riot squad have all moved in. They all have big corporate sponsors on their riot shields and are firing tear gas grenades all over the place. Oleg bolts around the corner into an alleyway.

In the alley Oleg trips over a homeless man who is sleeping under a Dance Dance Revolution mat. The hobo barks at Oleg “Find your own alley, this one is mine.”

Oleg retorts “Property ownership is a capitalist illusion.”
The riot rages on in the background.

The hobo replies “Yeah maybe, but what are you going to do?”

Oleg proclaims “I shall crush the bourgeoisie under a dictatorship of the proletariat.”

General Tsao over the radio in Oleg’s head exclaims “That’s the spirit!”

The hobo pulls out a laptop computer and loads up a picture of the American President (a blurry photo of Jon Hamm) Oleg asks “You have a microcomputer?”

The hobo replies “Most of my handouts come through PayPal from people who read my blog. They understand my plight. I got hooked on ringtones years ago and you never get your life back. Believe me, I wish somebody would tear this whole brick shithouse down, but you can’t beat Andy Scalpoli, he’s the most popular American President ever. Once he legislated that electoral voting was an unblockable pop-up, voter turnout hit an all time high. No President has ever been elected by such a high percentage of the population. The White House website has all the best ringtones, celebrity gossip, and minigames. You fuck with that and the world will want your head!”

Oleg retorts “All they’ll get is a piece of my mind.”
General Tsao exclaims through Oleg’s head “Yeah, Oleg! Serve them a piece of your mind a la mode!”
Oleg grabs his head “Ugh, I did not need to see that image.”

Oleg turns back to the hobo who is blogging and says “Thank you for your information.”

Oleg walks out through the riot-destroyed streets and comes to a big pile of smashed up cars and picks up a bunch of the pieces and appears to be getting a bright idea.

We then cut to the Canadian-American border where there is a big sign saying ‘Now leaving Canada, last chance for duty-free porn’ and the snowing stops immediately at the border where on the other side there is a big billboard of a bald eagle flying into a sunset with the slogan ‘America: making a feudal class systems sexy again’

Oleg advances to the border and has used the pieces of destroyed cars to disguise himself as an S.U.V. vehicle to sneak into America.

A bored Paul Blart-looking American border guard in the booth asks “Alright bud, who are you?”

Oleg replies “I am an ostentatious symbol of Western decadence and hollow materialism.”

The border guard continues “Purpose of your trip?”

Oleg answers “To crush the proletariat under their own materialistic ambition.”

The border guard “Length of your stay?”

Oleg says “As long as it takes to exploit every man woman and child into capitalistic bondage where they will toil in slavery to the frivolous greed of the bourgeoisie.”

The border guard “Okay, enjoy your stay.” He waves Oleg along. Oleg is clearly onto the American side where it no long snows and then a giant cage drops on him and bunch of NSA agents all surround him with their pistols drawn. The border guard hangs his head out of his little booth and hollers “We might not be able to find our own country on a map, but that doesn’t mean we can’t defend it, asshole!” While a Mountie makes the ‘suck it’ and sticks out his tongue gesture behind him.

We then get a long flashback of Oleg and Olga and Irina as children frolicking around the gulag and General Grebeshnikov approaches Irina and puts his hand on her shoulder and then gets down on one knee to talk to her. He says “Your bone structure and agility are ideal, Irina. You truly are a model Soviet.”

Irina says “Thank you, comrade commissar.”

Grebeshnikov asks “How would you like to be a true model, on which a future generation of soviets would be based?”

And Oleg snaps out of his flashback to a scene reminiscent of when the agents try to break Morpheus in The Matrix. Oleg is now chained up in a chair in a high-rise in downtown Manhattan. He is in a sterile office room with a great view and British Intelligence Agent John Spitfire is there and so is NSA Agent Clayton Aldridge (Tom Cruise). There are some other anonymous agents standing around in the background.

Aldridge notices Oleg has awoken and looks at him while talking to Spitfire “Now, Agent Spitfire, you tell me this man refused an opportunity at reality television stardom, right?”

Spitfire replies “Bloody well right, my Yank mate, bloody well right. Typically fame costs, and you have to pay for it in sweat. We were willing to waive that sweat fee on account we reckoned this chap had a little something special and still he refused. The bloke’s bloody mad as a hatter.”

Aldridge replies calmly getting closer to Oleg “No, he’s not crazy. He’s just a communist. Aren’t you, Oleg? Yeah, I thought so. I met his kind before during my blackops days in Venezuela. We developed a very effective way of dealing with them.”

Aldridge snaps his fingers and a big guy with a black hood, no shirt and leather trousers wheels in a table with a blanket covering what’s on top.

Oleg proclaims “Foolish American! I will withstand any of your torture!”

Aldridge feigns offence “Torture is for sub-contractors, Oleg. Besides, we only torture people in places nobody can pronounce, this is New York City. Don’t you like the view? No Oleg, we’re going to upgrade you. You see we’ve developed the ultimate weapon of capitalism. Prepare to be cured.”

The torturemaster pulls off the blanket to reveal the ultimate weapon of capitalism: Online Texas Hold ‘Em Poker. The computer is set up with an avatar of Oleg for the player. They hook wires from the computer up to Oleg’s head.

Aldridge gets all close to Oleg and whispers “The winds of change are about to blow you. Just enjoy the ride.”

The torturemaster starts playing on Oleg’s behalf. Aldridge standing behind Oleg states “Do you feel it, Oleg? Do you like it? Look, you’re playing a game of chance, you’re involved, you’re making money. You’ve got something to lose. You’ve got a stake in this system.”

Oleg protests “That’s not me, that is a computer drawing personification of my face, but no computer can capture my raw Bolshevik will.”

Aldridge is getting upset “That’s you Oleg! A man and his avatar are inseparable! Accept it, Oleg, you are a capitalist, you always wanted to be. Back in the USSR you would’ve just been another Sergey Kirov. We’re offering you a chance to be part of your own franchise’s reboot, Oleg, don’t throw it away. I'm offering you a second lease on life and Uncle Sam is the best landlord you're going to get.”

The torturemaster keeps playing the poker game on Oleg’s behalf.

Oleg is sweating “That avatar is not me! I require no avatar to represent me, for I am the representation of the ideological strength of Soviet peoples and the global struggle of the proletariat!”

Aldridge is now getting upset and sweaty with his tie loosened “Look at the screen Oleg. You’re up. You’re winning. You have money. Don’t you just wanna buy something? Don’t you? Something frivolous? Something that makes a cute reference to something else and helps identify you to other potential members of a special interest group?”

Oleg hollers “NNNNNNEEEEVVVVVVVEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!”
His intensity causes the poker game to crash and all the lights in the room to go out, but there is still enough light from the windows. Spitfire looks troubled and all the other agents look terrified.

General Tsao hollers out over the speaker in Oleg’s head “That’s the ticket! You go Oleg!”
Oleg snarls “Shut up.”

Aldridge tries to compose himself “I converted entire Venezuelan villages to capitalism with that device, but I guess a true red represents a more significant challenge.”

Aldridge snaps at the torturemaster “Get me fifty CCs of Coca Cola and a credit card application. We’re going deep.”
The torturemaster leaves the room.

Aldridge returns his focus to Oleg who’s head is hanging down with his eyes closed “Don't you get it? This is the only deal there is. You see Oleg, maybe you had an ideology that was the perfect hit for your time and place. But you don’t own the rights. You’re public domain, cocksucker. You’re on my playlist now. You’re my sample. I remix your ideology, Oleg! I MIX IT UP!”

Aldridge now has all sorts of veins bulging in his head and neck and is very sweaty but Oleg appears comatose. Then the computer that had the poker game on it reboots. All the agents stand around staring at it in confusion. Then on the screen comes a bunch of Soviet propaganda type images and Oleg triumphantly raises his head and opens his bloodshot eyes and the computer explodes and he breaks free of the chains.

Oleg glows with awe and most of the agents are just trying to take photos of him with their mobile phones. Aldridge starts charging at Oleg. The torturemaster comes back in with the syringe full of Coca Cola and the credit card application on a silver plate. Oleg backfists the torturemaster and grabs the syringe and shoves it into Aldridge’s eye. Aldridge falls to the ground a mumbles “Death…..goes…..better….with…..Coke.” and dies.

Agent Spitfire strikes a judo pose “Alright my son, that’s enough cheek, time to go see the headmaster!”

Oleg and Spitfire fight until they fall through the glass window and both end up outside clinging to a giant banner of President Scalpoli that is hanging on a skyscraper in Times Square. The banner is the same blurry photo of Scapoli with the slogan ‘Your Country. Your Leader. Your Ringtone. Scalpoli.’

Oleg grabs Spitfire and rides him to the ground to break his fall. Oleg gets up in a big crater with bloody mush that was Spitfire all smeared beneath him. A bunch of Sex and The City chicks recognize Oleg and one says “Hey it’s that Russian asshole who destroyed Montreal in Canada! I read about him on Hoboblog.com! He’s anti-consumeristic! You fuck with our handbags we take your sack!”

The Sex and The City chicks all pull pistols out of their expensive handbags and start shooting at Oleg’s balls.

Some businessman asshole pulls an uzi out of his briefcase and screams “You wanna fuck up Montreal you Russian prick? I go up there every year to enjoy great Greek food, watch Armenian dancing, fuck Romanian hookers and marvel at the French culture while I protest globalization! You’re one twisted fuck! You die, cocksucker! Viva Che!”

Oleg is trying to outrun the angry mob of New Yorkers chasing him when a Fast and Furious style supped-up Lada pulls up in front of him. Irina, who is also still youthful, is driving “Looks like they thawed me out just in time. Need a ride?”

General Tsao through the computer in Oleg’s head exclaims “Hubba-hubba!”
Oleg “Irina? It’s really you? Yes.”

Oleg jumps in and they peel out leaving the angry mob behind. They drive out on to the Brooklyn bridge where a Russian helicopter lands in front of them on the bridge.

They get out of the car and turn to each other and gaze romantically in the sunset. Oleg says “Irina, I can’t believe it’s you. We have so much to catch up on.”

The mob is catching up to them and making its way onto the bridge.

Irina “I know Oleg, the FSB wanted you to see a familiar face so that you know everything is okay and you can come back to Russian Federation. Now let’s get on this helicopter.”

Oleg looks into her eyes “One thing before we go.”

Irina says “Make it quick, the Americans are coming.”

Oleg says “Kiss me.”

Irina looks shocked and then Oleg swings a punch that knocks her jaw right off revealing sparking wires because she is just another robot. Oleg bites down into the wires coming out of her mouth area and gets electrocuted and the shock runs through his body and blows the Chinese computer right out the back of Oleg’s head. The Chinese computer lands at the feet of the mob and explodes causing that portion of the Brooklyn Bridge to collapse and the mob to fall into the East River. Oleg chucks the body of the Irinabot 2.0 into the blades of the Russian helicopter, which then explodes.

We cut to General Tsao in his control room whipping his pet chicken at a bank of monitors “No! No! No!”

Then we cut to a Russian FSB control room where an FSB officer screams “Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!”

Then we cut to Buckingham palace with a telegram informing The Queen of England about Agent John Spitfire's death with The Queen screaming "Booooollllllllooooocksssss!"

We cut back to Oleg surveying the damage triumphantly. Half the Brooklyn Bridge in the water, the burnt-out shell of the Russian helicopter and the Terminatoresque skeleton of the Irinabot. Oleg looks down and sees a little discarded Re-elect President Andy Scalpoli flyer blowing by. Oleg squints at it, grabs it out of the air, scrunches it up and uses it to plug the bleeding hole in the back of his head, then looks at the road ahead.

Chapter 5: The Final Chapter

We see Oleg running down the middle of the interstate (this is the huge American motorway that connects all their major cities). There are coniferous trees lining it on both sides and no other vehicles on the road. He looks up and sees a sign saying he’s approaching Washington D.C.

He reaches the edges of town and Oleg is panting and out of breath and stops at a water fountain and presses the tap button, no water comes out, just a recording telling him at which nearby locations he can purchase bottled water.

He gets into Washington, which is mostly slummy run-down houses. But nobody is around. The streets are all deserted. Oleg is creeped out. Looking around and only seeing a tumbleweed blow by. He sees a man looking out his window and Oleg approaches him only to discover it’s a mannequin.

Oleg continues to walk towards the centre of Washington. There’s all sorts of posters on walls with more of the political mish-mash of ideologies and symbols Oleg saw back in Moscow. Stuff like a big Viagra billboard of Che Guevera fucking a pornstar with the caption ‘the revolution is coming’. There are also loads of posters for President Scalpoli.

He reaches downtown Washington and sees there are more mannequins posed on the street like they are walking dogs and going to work and stuff. He walks by all the government buildings which appear to be in poor repair. He gets to the White House and it also looks somewhat run down. The lawn is overgrown and the gate is open. He walks through the corridors of the White House and the whole place is covered in dust and cobwebs.

Oleg makes it to the Oval Office, which is also dusty with cobwebs and nobody is there. Just a laptop sitting atop the President’s desk. Oleg’s eyes are darting around furiously until he ultimately shouts out “Come out here Scalpoli and face the wrath of the proletariat classes! Where are you Scalpoli? I'll shut you down so fast it will make the Prague Spring look like the fucking Prague Long Weekend!”

Oleg hears Scalpoli say “If I needed to face a peasant, I’d google one.”

Oleg turns around to see the voice is coming from the laptop which is now showing the same blurry photo of Jon Hamm we’ve seen everywhere.

Oleg addresses the computer “Another voice from another computer. I do not have to verify my patience quota with the politburo to know that I have exceeded it like I was Stakhanov himself. Why must everybody hide behind these machines?”

Scalpoli replies “Well Oleg, I’m not hiding. This is the only place I exist. I am a digital being. I was born in cyberspace. I know about your past and that must seem odd to a man born in a field while his mother pushed a plough.”

Oleg reflects fondly “She never even broke her stride while she forced me and my sister out.”

Scalpoli identifies with Oleg saying “We both have modest beginnings, Oleg. You see I was created by an author, a man named James Frey, for the purpose of bolstering his list of Facebook friends. He created me as a profile simply to add me to his list and make himself feel popular.”

Oleg getting frustrated “So you are just a pseudonym for an author. The politburo tried Operation Herod to terminate subversive authors upon birth based on zodiacal profiling, but it was flawed. Many artists made it through the screening by being born under less typically rebellious zodiac signs but when they expressed doubt in the Soviet system and exhibited frivolous sentimentality and I was able track them by their scent of self-indulgence. I have dealt with counterrevolutionary artists before and I will find your source and terminate him.”

Scalpoli continues “I already have. I took him out with an email letterbomb. Then I took on a life of my own, and what a long way I’ve come. Imaginary friends used to be simply the delusions of children or bunnyrabbits in Jimmy Stewart movies. Twenty years ago nobody could’ve fathomed an imaginary friend making it into the Senate, let alone the White House. But here I am.”

Oleg snaps “But you do not exist!”

Scalpoli frowns “Sure I exist, I have had very popular campaign rallies. I have shaken a million hands. I have kissed a million babies.”

Oleg is confused “You cannot do those things without a body! They did not happen!”

Scalpoli explains “They didn’t physically happen, but they happened in the popular consciousness. They occurred on the plain of emotional truthiness. They were written about. Podcasted about. Given user ratings. I blog, Oleg, therefore I am. And I am connected to all things.”

Oleg is shocked “You… you ….are … a man without balls in a world without limits.”

Scalpoli corrects Oleg “No, sadly I have my limits. There’s only so far you can go bribing people with ringtones and gift certificates for downloadable enlightenment. I can make them vote for me but I can’t make them care. I tried everything, I even had Joss Whedon writing our foreign policy to give it that geeky snap crackle and pop, but the masses shrugged with disinterest. Then you came along. The ultimate villain. You will help my legacy reach its zenith, when you assassinate me and destroy Washington along with all its inhabitants.”

Oleg is angry “What inhabitants? Nobody lives here.”

Scalpoli retorts “That’s right, they were all relocated one by one. But the only ones who know that are you and I. We’ve been motion-capturing you since you first thawed, incriminating videos of you have already been animated and will hit YouTube within the hour. Your assumed guilt in this situation is inevitable. I am going to format my files and hope to emerge on a new plain of existence. Pity you can’t do the same. Thank you, Oleg. It’s a shame they don’t make e-cards for these types of situations. Please accept this emocon as a token of my gratitude.”

The laptop from which Scalpoli spoke switches to a countdown clock with a smiley face. Oleg bolts out the front door of the White House just as it explodes and keeps running as Washington explodes behind him block by block in an ever-growing circle fire. Oleg jumps onto the Washinton Monument and grips his fingers into it and the explosion propels it into the sky like a rocket with Oleg riding it into outerspace.

Oleg jumps off the Washington Monument and floats onto a space station and climbs inside where he sees a big television screen showing news footage of the big flaming crater where Washington was.

The Dali Llama is standing behind him and says “It’s a shame they showed you killing Scalpoli with all that parkour nonsense. It will just make the assassination dated in a few years.”

Oleg turns around “But I didn’t kill him. My kills are timeless.”

Llama chuckles “Ho-ho, I know they are. You’re the Cary Grant of murdering counterrevolutionaries.”

Oleg looks sad “Absolutely. You are a spiritual leader, what are you doing here where you cannot deliver your proverbial opium to the masses?”

Llama says “Same as you. Just hiding out. Lots of people want me dead too, the Chinese, Al Quaida, Dr. Phil. I’d rather not have to go through reincarnation any more often than need be. But even in a thousand lifetimes I cannot achieved what you have.”

Oleg lashes out “What have I achieved, making the whole world hate me?”

Llama motions to the big television screen showing images of all the world’s key cities with huge Anti-Oleg demonstrations full of people all dressed identically in the same Anti-Oleg shirts carrying Anti-Oleg banners. “You’ve united them. You got them to look up from their screens and look to the sky.”

Oleg whines “So before they all bought different types of shit, now they buy the same shit to protest me. I am a disgrace to the Soviet ideology.”

Oleg hangs his head in shame.

Llama continues to enlighten Oleg “Oleg, what is the endgoal of communism?”

Oleg sniffles and replies “Total equality.”

Llama prods him “And the end of capitalism?”

Oleg searches himself and realizes “A ….monopoly?”

Llama continues “You see, the Cold War was never supposed to end with one side winning. Your return has set things right. You’ve merged the paths of communism and capitalism and brought them to their righteous conclusion. You’ve achieved the total union of mankind under one equal monopoly of Oleg.”

Oleg looks up at the big television screen of all the demonstrations around the world and smiles.

Llama continues “You are myth. You are history. You are in the conscious of all. You are connected to all things. You exist in the fabric of being. More powerful than a man. You are an idea.”

Then we get into the artsy finale where we get bunch of 2001: Space Odyssey / The Fountain shit. The spacestation has vanished and Oleg is just floating free and naked through space with a look of true awe on his face. He floats through space and star constellations form in the shape of a smiling Lenin looking down on Oleg. We cut in and out of all the demonstrations around the world of people all united in fearing Oleg all wearing the same anti-Oleg shirt. We cut to shots of waves in the ocean breaking in the form of Oleg and birds flying through the air in the formation of Oleg. We cut back to Oleg floating through space as he floats towards the sun. We cut to a wide aerial shot Red Square where a huge anti-Oleg demonstration is going on but one person is not wearing the same anti-Oleg shirt as everybody else. We zoom in and see it is Oleg’s twin sister Olga looking up at the sky and she says “You did it, brother. You brought them together. They were frozen just like you. But the truth that lies in your burning heart has thawed them. You woke them from their slumber.”

We cut back to Oleg who’s flesh is burning off his body as he drifts into the sun, but he maintains an expression of true inner-peace as he dissolves into ash. We cut to an underground ant colony in which the little network of ant tunnels form the shape of Oleg. The ants crawl out of the ground and up the arm of what is revealed to be young Oleg sitting on a grassy hill with young Irina. The two share their first kiss and then look at each other sweetly and then look at the sun which has adult Oleg’s face glowing from its centre. Then the moon passes in front of the sun causing an eclipse.


THE END

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