Thoughts on the Upcoming Baywatch Movie

There’s something I really want to talk to you guys about, and it’s the upcoming Baywatch movie based on the hit television action drama. I’m really looking forward to this big screen adaptation and I think it has enormous potential.

Casting rumours have been flying left right and centre. The main addition to the cast is British model Keeley Hazell. If you don’t know Keeley, she’s been on the cover of British FHM every second month for over a year now. If you want to get an idea of Keeley’s acting abilities you can see Keeley use a chainsaw in what I think is supposed to be an erotic manner, just click here. She has no acting experience, which gives me even more hope for the quality of this picture. I’m really just as happy to see men’s mag models getting into films as I am to see film stars getting into men’s mags. I think that men’s mags and Hollywood should do a little trade every year. Jessica Alba quits making terrible movies and just sticks to posing for Maxim, and give Lucy Pinder a shot at reading some lines. A fun little switcharoo don’t you think? Couldn’t hurt.

Vince McMahon of World Wrestling Entertainment has become a movie producer so why haven’t men’s mags gotten in on the act? Maxim’s staff should be writing scripts and producing films. Maxim should be behind the camera on Baywatch: The Major Slow Motion Picture. Instead it’s just a regular studio picture, but I’m still hopeful.

I really hope Keeley has no charisma and is forced to fake a crappy American accent. I love how Jude Law’s voice just sounds like a garbage disposal when he tries to sound like a Yank and I don’t see how a hairdresser turned topless model from Bromley could turn out to be the next Meryl Streep. The film may even need subtitles. Hell, that might even lure Mel Gibson into the director’s chair.

The only bad rumour surrounding this film was that Jessica Simpson was being considered for a role. That kinda scares me because she seems to think she’s funny and it might signal that this film is going the way of that shitty Starksy and Hutch flick where it’s kinduva joke, the joke is on you, and it’s not very funny. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Fuckin’ Ben Stiller. That shit can just fuck right off. I think they’ve passed on Jessica once they realized she’s not technically famous anymore. I think people now refer to her as that chick who used to be famous for being married to that guy who was famous for being married to Ashlee Simpson’s sister.

I hope this film turns out to be like the awesome Miami Vice movie last year with everybody involved taking it way too seriously. I mean, both Miami Vice and Baywatch have a fair bit in common so I don’t see why Baywatch: The My Eyes are Up Here Movie couldn’t contain lots of good-looking people scowling around luxury vehicles with mismatched music playing in the background. That would be awesome. I love stuff like that. Why not have a bunch of angsty lifeguards? I’d love to see Keeley pull a Colin Farrell and drive around at night in a Ferrari looking pissed at the corrupt world. I’d like to see Paul Walker get involved in this film. He looks great and was already in Into the Blue, which was kinda like a Baywatch episode only cheaper and less slowmotionier. But I’m sure his acting skills will hold up against slow motion.

I think this film represents a stylistic challenge for whatever director takes it on. I saw this film called 300 a few months ago and it already beat Baywatch: The Angsty Lifeguard Extravaganza to the punch in making a film entirely in slow motion. And those Spartan soldier guys had good enough physiques to rival David Hasselhoff in his sober prime anyday. They’ll really have to reinvent slow motion and maybe pour on the big bucks to get some Matrix-style arc shots of boobies jiggling.

I realize I’m in the minority on this, but watching large-chested women run makes me uncomfortable. It’s like seeing a klutz stumble around with a Jello mould on a porcelain plate held high above their head. It just has an uneasy precariousness to it. But like I said, I’m in the minority on this one. I realize the slow motion thundering boob bounce is a convention of Baywatch and I look forward to its integration into big screen entertainment, but I just won’t find as sexy as the rest of you.

My main interest in this movie is the acting and the story. And if they keep recruiting non-actors all they have to do next is ask them to write the script themselves.

Do you remember that horror movie called Scream? It was pretty inventive in its day. There’s this scene where Rose McGowan is trying to escape the killer by crawling out a doggy door but her tits and ass are too big for her to make it through. I would like to see this same scene done with a shark. I also really hope they bring back the character ‘Logan’, the pony-tailed Australian who wore a speedo. He was my favourite character on the show. Maybe while Keeley is doing her dodgy Yank accent Paul Walker can attempt an even dodgier Aussie accent. Here’s hoping!

There’s lots of other things I’d like to see in this film, but I’ll let the professionals surprise me with their creativity.

Looking forward to it!

Cheers