Star Trek
This is a movie set in the future although America is prettymuch where
it was ten years ago. They’ve invested
all this money in big military technology so they just send it out into foreign
areas hoping it will bump into an aggressor, start a fight, and justify its
costs. I mean, fuck, you convince people
they should sacrifice health care for missiles ‘n tanks ‘n shit so the least
you can do is let the people see them in action. Bang for their tax buck., ya know? For a movie that is a big veiled message
about Iraq, they do the smart thing and let the allegory take a back seat to
the sexy young people, who’s valiant efforts to resolve shit are probably
protested back on Earth. The protests
and shit will probably be in the next movie that will focus on the rise of some
sort of futuristic Obama guy.
The movie’s villain is a guy named Nero
(played by Eric Bana) who keeps talking about how the imperialist pigs lied to
his culture and let them die and shit.
Everybody keeps telling him he’s confused and nothing bad has happened
to his culture so I figured this movie was then going for a satire about the
dangers of relying on Wikipedia for one’s information, but they complete the
parallel to Osama Bin Laden by making him totally unreasonable in explaining
that he comes from the future and is judging people on things they will do. He also broadcasts angry grainy videos from his
cave-like fortress ship.
Nero has journeyed back through time to
find Spock (played by Leonard Nimoy and a young guy), because in the future
Spock is responsible for not getting a lifesaving device to Nero’s planet on
time. Instead of just telling Spock not
to stop for that haircut on his way to saving Nero’s planet, Nero decides to
torture him. It seems Spock has
generally shitty judgement. When
somebody who holds you responsible for their misfortune tells you that you
ought to experience their pain and agony and loss for yourself, that’s not like
a buddy recommending a good movie. You
should just say “I can tell from your
face that watching your race get destroyed is agonizing.” Not “Yeah, I’ll have to check that out.”
It’s one of those moments like the end
of that Dutch horror movie The Vanishing,
where you almost understand the curiosity, but hope your own judgement would be
better in that situation.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. The first portion of this movie is devoted to
the hotshot young hotshots who will join the hotshot squad and destroy
Nero. The main one is James T. Kirk
(played by a guy who looks like Paul Walker).
We meet Kirk driving a convertible off the Grand Canyon.
I guess because he grew up without a father he thinks Thelma & Louise is a good Ridley
Scott movie. If he’d had a father figure
he’d probably be more of a Black Rain
man. The movie is trying to convince me
he’s a crazy thrill-seeking redneck, but he listens to Beastie Boys and has a
normal haircut, so to me that suggests he would grow up to be a snotty record
store clerk who subscribes to Adbusters.
I think a little Kid Rock and a mullet would’ve gone a long way in the
authenticity department.
He hangs out doing reckless stunts,
fucking Yoda’s sister, getting into barfights, and he probably has found some
rebellious way to tie his shoes too. At
the Star Trek academy he has this rivalry going with young Spock. This is the Top Gun portion of the movie, and the only aspect of it which I
really liked. Kirks is Maverick, Spock
is Ice Man. Reckless abandon versus
plodding good sense. They don’t sing
Righteous Brothers but at the end Spock becomes Kirk’s wingman.
There’s one big confrontation scene
that was just murder to watch. Kirks
discovers there is a rule that if a captain becomes emotional, the captain must
step down. So Kirks has to get Spock
emotional so that he can take his place as captain. Kirks busts out a bunch of ‘yo mamma’ jokes
but also makes reference to an earlier scene where the Star Trek academy
teaches them they need emotions to be good Trekkers. Spock acknowledges that this lesson is
important and that emotions are needed to be a good captain and then becomes
emotional and steps down as a captain so that Kirks, who is always emotional,
can step up. This is either the scene
that proves I’m smarter than this movie or vice versa.
This film is directed by Jay-Jay Abrams
and I have to put this guy in the same boat as Joss Whedon. These guys might be good at developing good
concepts for television shows and sustaining them and fostering a cult around
them(selves), but they aren’t quite big league material when it comes to their
raw directing skills. This whole movie
feels like really high budget television.
It’s not terrible, or unprofessional, but there’s a difference between
television directing and movie directing.
Michael Mann gets it. He made the
transition. But don’t ask him to explain
it unless you’re ready to journey with him and Tom Cruise to a sweatlodge and
play Russian roulette.
It’s a question of pacing in all
respects. I realize on television you
can’t have lots of scenes of just actors by themselves establishing their
characters through their movements and faces and actions because on television
people wouldn’t be able to tell what kind of show it is within 30 seconds and
so they’ll just keep zapping channels til they find something with good
cleavage. Same goes for establishing
settings. These tv guys have to rush
through this stuff whereas movies can and in many cases should have more of
this stuff.
I’ll give the writers of this movie
credit for a few things. This did not
feel like one of those movies that’s just there to start a franchise. Even though it is based on a television
serial and has many hallmarks of television, I at least felt like I got a whole
movie but like there were still more possibilities for sequels. Although I think it’s pretty obvious where
Star Trek 2 is going to go. I mean, Spock’s
got a widowed dad, Kirk’s got a widowed mum... I smell a step-brothers movie
about Kirk and Spock getting dragged on vacation to Cancun in their newly
amalgamated family and Kirks teaching Spock how to pull the ladies, which might
be a problem because Spock is a Vulcan.
At the end of this movie Old Spock from the future and Young Spock divvy
up tasks and the Old Spock decides to take on breeding Vulcans back from
extinction while Young Spock will go on space missions where experience would
be invaluable. Which all leads me to
believe that Vulcans become more virile with age but their judgement and
memories fade really fast.
Anyway, I’m sure in Star Trek 2: Trek Fried Vacation we can
look forward to lotsa fun in the sun and some good comedy shots of Spock in a
speedo. And that’ll help pave the way
for the Star Trek Xtreme Beach
Volleyball spinoff.
If you liked this, try reading these other related writings:
Ten
years after its release….I have an opinion on it.
A film with only one ball.
Okay,
I actually review it this time instead of just making fun of you guys who went
to see it.
Merry
fucking Christmas