4 Fast 4 Furious
“I waited until
the break of dawn. I don’t know why I
didn’t come.”
I always
thought Norah Jones was writing this song from the perspective of a Fast
& Furious sequel that reunited Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, and Michelle Rodriguez. But now that that film has happened I’m
starting to come around to everybody else’s interpretation that she is singing
from her own perspective about a date she stood up, in which case I’ve got to
say what the fuck, Norah? You
think having sexy eyes and shelf full of Grammies entitles you to behave like
that? For all I know it might’ve even
been me. I just go on these internet
matchmaker services and ask out anybody with dark hair and dark eyes and a lot
of the time the photos are kinda blurry.
Anyway, 4
Fast 4 Furious is a sequel that boasts the tagline ‘Original Parts, New
Model’. Pretty
fucking catchy if not entirely accurate.
I’m sure some of you old timers like me who are close enough to your
pension to pinch its ass remember the original film Point Break, of
which The Fast and The Furious was a
remake. So this is more like refurbished
parts in model that is now just as dated as the original model only in a
different way. Like a dude wearing an 80s rapper tracksuit standing next to a dude in white
bellbottoms. But Fast & Furious
is one of those unique series where the remake spawns sequels that the original
never did. Sorta
like starting out in a tribute band but then writing original songs and working
them into the set. I’d like to see one
of those Elvis impersonators try that.
Or, well, for a more direct cinematic comparison: like Ocean’s 11,
only enjoyable and the profits aren’t being used to another failed Steve Soderberg venture.
This series has
always been deeply philosophical. It
asks questions like: When you’re a cop and you’ve cornered a guy who is a
remorseless thief stealing solely for personal luxury, do you arrest him or let
him go because he has a deeper voice and less hair than you? That shit would’ve had Aristotle throwing his
hands up and probably would’ve troubled him to the point that he would’ve no
longer been able to fuck little boys and other Greek past times, so you can
imagine the havoc it wrecks on Paul Walker.
Walker returns
in this instalment still troubled over the ethics of the choices he’s
made. He continues to have a casual
employment status with any law enforcement organization he feels like helping
out. He is now hunting down Vin Diesel,
possibly by using satellites to scan for the shine from Michelle Rodriguez’s
teeth, which are played by Hillary Duff’s teeth in this film. But her shiny teeth are like the scope on a
rifle, they give away you’re location and it causes the fastness and
furiousness to spiral into choasness and
dangerousness on a big score.
Walker has a
really hard time finding Diesel because Vin Diesel is ethnically ambiguous and
if you don’t know a dude’s ethnicity or his hair, it makes him hard to describe
and it sounds like you don’t even know who you’re looking for. Where is Diesel? He’s right behind you! There’s a pretty funny funeral scene in which
you see all the flashy candy-coloured racecars all parked at the cemetery and
Walker is staking out the funeral and Diesel is staking out Walker. This scene was somewhat disappointing because
it did not involve a nitrous-fuelled hearse in a race. But this is a more sombre Fast and Furious
movie, probably the most downbeat of the lot.
But this film
is still in keeping with the previous instalments. There is still the rule that you can’t just
rob something while it’s stationary.
Like if a guy is transporting something you want to steal, you still
cannot just wait for him to stop at a stop sign or something and rob him then. In this movie they’re stealing gas by
un-hitching giant tanks off the back of a transport, which is pretty wise
seeing as siphoning that shit would require a lot of jerrycans
and tic tacs.
This film also
continues to prove that modified cars attract modified women. Even when you pull over on the side of a road
in an isolated part of the Domincan Republic, as you
put that thing in park a bunch of hoochie women with
massive implants wearing bootyshorts just appear and
it’s an instant tailgate party. But it’s
also the most considerate tailgate party I’ve ever seen. When Diesel and Rodriguez take a couple steps
away from the party to have a heart to heart, the rest of the crowd turns off
the rap music and switches it to a sombre Spanish guitar music track and they
keep quiet as not to disturb the lovebirds.
This is one of
those revenge-over-a-dead-love movies, but Diesel is more of a celibate mourner
like Bourne than a dude who works through his grief by fucking new women like
James Bond does in Casino Royale 2: The Quantum of
Solace. But it doesn’t stop him from
making some pretty sexy remarks comparing a sexy woman to a car, saying he “appreciates
a good body regardless of the maker” but is wise enough to cut his analogy
there before he uses the words ‘headlights’ or ‘tailpipe’ or ‘fits three
friends’. But he passes on her advances,
which means more ass for Dwight. Dwight is a funny-looking guy with a blonde
mullet who speaks in the third person and is not famous yet has an apartment
full of pornstar-lookin’ chicks all having a
continuous orgy so he’s doing something right.
Like I said,
Diesel’s journey in this film is one of revenge and Walker’s is one of
self-discovery. He broods over letting
Diesel go free back in the first film.
He tells Jordana Brewster that it was because
he admired that Diesel had a code (that code was stealing for personal gain to
invest in a reckless hobby). Brewster
asks Walker if he’s figured out what his own code is yet. Walker says he’s working on it. I guess I have the wrong impression of law
enforcement agencies because I thought the one thing they gave you was a sense
of purpose: chasing criminals and making the world safer, and that your code
was, ya know the law? But I guess when compared to shagging Jordana Brewster on a cutting board while her brother waits
outside on the lawn, all that serving and protecting shit just feels pretty
vapid.
But Walker
comes around as to who he is inside.
There’s a really good scene where he ditches his FBI black suit and
black tie combo and comes strutting through the FBI office rebelliously donning
a coloured golfshirt.
The he’s-so-badass shocked expressions on the faces of his
colleagues are priceless. I mean, Old
Navy? The Gap?
Those things are unspoken career blockers.
This film
develops the idea of psychic powers established in 2 Fast 2 Furious when
Paul Walker revealed he could drive without looking at the road and just
staring into Eva Mendes’s eyes. I
thought just holding sustained eye contact with Eva Mendes was impressive
enough, let alone that psychic aspect. Tokyo
Drift continued the idea of psychic powers by having everybody able to
instantly learn Japanese. But Diesel
takes it up a notch being able to psychically recreate crime scenes from the
past simply by visiting the location.
This film has
many messages. The main one is the
importance of saying you’re sorry. And
if a judge hears that you’re sorry and still convicts
you, then fuck jailtime. An apology should be enough. And if somebody does not say they are sorry,
you should ram him with a musclecar while your buddy
adjusts his socks in a really odd-looking manoeuvre.
The other main
message in this movie is for you aspiring actors out there. I know waiting tables is hard work and you’ll
do anything for a bit of exposure, but if a gangster offers for you to play him
so that you can be used as a decoy in a meeting where a lot of guns will be
present, then seriously pass on that shit.
Do adult diaper commercials. Do
porn. Just don’t do
that.
I respect the
tone of this instalment. It features
plenty of scenes of dudes furrowing their brows at a sunset. In the first film those shots played as
reflections on self-awesomeness. In 2
Fast 2 Furious they played as homoeroticism. In Tokyo Drift they played as
trans-cultural confusion. This time they
play as mournful. This is the most sombre Fast & Furious entry in
the series, and I’ve got to admire the structure this film series has
established. It’s become like a
theatrically released soap opera in that different characters can pop in and
out experiencing different emotions. I
don’t think Eva Mendes could carry an instalment herself, but this would be one
of the few times I’d be happy to see a character she played make a return. Maybe she and Dwight could be pals. I like seeing these characters come together
in different ways and different combinations.
And like the theme of people all over the world from all walks of life
being united in their dedication in fighting/committing crimes using cars.
If you liked this, here are some other
recommended readings:
The most in-depth analysis of this groundbreaking film trilogy in
the world.
There’s something to be
said about this type of hero
and I say it (in
the living years).
Here’s this car chase
movie I wrote since I don’t get to see King
of the Mountain.