1990: Bronx Warriors
This is one of those science fiction
movies that poses question. Not
satirical questions based on our current society like Robocop or something. Just
general WTF type questions like ‘What if
it rained mustard?’ In this film the Bronx is declared a no-man’s-land
because it is considered to have fallen into anarchy beyond reason when
compared to the rest of America. Even
though the Bronx seems to have a functioning economy that imports goods such as
fuel for motorcycles and a social hierarchy including a ruler who sets down
laws, it is considered anarchistic. I’m
guessing this is because the rest of America just doesn’t like their
costumes. That’s got to be what this is
about. I’m starting to think the embargo
on Cuba is just all about tan envy.
In this world, youth is valued above all
and young people seem to hold most of the authority. Not really in a joyful Logan’s Run type of way though.
Corporations have done a reverse on history and become monarchies in
which CEO status is passed down like a crown.
A teenage girl named Anne is set to inherit the reigns of one of the
world’s largest corporations. Anne can’t
handle that pressure and chickenshits out. Queen Victoria would not be amused. She runs off into the Bronx which must have
one of those trick doors that only open one way or something because she has no
trouble getting in. America should maybe
ask the Germans or the Israelis for some tips on these ‘wall’ things. In the Bronx, Anne falls in love with
Trash. Trash is also a teenager who is in
control of a group of middle aged guys, only here they are a biker gang. I hope they got copyright permission from
Frank Miller for all those swastikas they have on their clothes.
The film then brings in its Snake Plisken character, Hammer, who is not played by Fred ‘The
Hammer’ Williamson although he is in this movie. That is just a confusing coincidence. At least when Ang
Lee chose to cast Eric Bana as Hulk Hogan he didn’t
cast Hulk Hogan in some other role in the movie.
At first it seems like maybe Hammer’s the
hero and then either through clever or misdirected writing his character is
revealed to be sorta bad, or at least he’s a guy who
will supervise bad things that could probably have happened just fine without
him. Fucking middle-management,
always there to cackle while equestrian flamethrower soldiers roast youth-lead
middle-aged gangs, never there to help clean up.
Like a lot of movies that try to mash a
couple of other popular movies together, several pieces go missing in this
process. In this case the result is a
better-functioning cinematic centipede than most, but The Warriors is definitely taking the back end to Escape From New
York. When Anne gets kidnapped by
the hockey gang we are told that Trash must fight through hostile territory to
get to Fred Williamson’s turf and strike up an alliance so they can get her
back. I know I do math for a living so
maybe I’m being unfair by busting my professional level skills on these
screenwriters, but Trash leaves most of his gang behind on this journey and
once he forms his new alliance gang with Fred Williamson he has fewer guys than
if he’d just used his original gang to fight the kidnappers.
Also, the trek is not really so
brutal. It involves crossing the turf of
only two gangs. One gang is a jazz
dancing troop that Trash defeats by flirting a bit with their leader. The other is an unarmed caveman-themed
gang. Even The Orphans gang from The Warriors could probably take both
these gangs. It makes me wonder why the
American military gave up on trying to control the
Bronx in this film. But Fred Williamson
is definitely more charismatic than Cyrus in The Warriors and so he’s worth fighting a gang and a half just to
hang out in his cool lounge.
The ending would be pretty bleak if it had
any significance. Everybody kinda loses in this clusterfuck,
but what they lose, I’m not exactly sure.
Will this giant corporation just crumble now that their rightful teenage
girl CEO is dead? Will the cops have
some sort of problem resulting from them losing a useless Snake Plisken wannabe consultant who’s
only expertise is in a shithole that is outside of their jurisdiction
anyway? Will Trash ever grow facial
hair? What will be the difference now
that a gang king who had no power anyway is dead? Well, lots of people get beaten to death with
pimpsticks, dragged from the backs of motorcycles,
and scorched with flamethrowers and that’s good enough for me.
This film loses a few points for actually
filming in the real New York instead of trying to make Montreal look like New
York, but they more than compensate for it with bad dubbing, exploitive corny
writing, and overall shamelessness.
If you liked this, check out these other
recommended writings:
These streets are savage
and from 1984, although they are not streets of fire.
A film with only one ball.
When he said he’d be back,
he meant three more times.